Perseverance (Wangxian)

Chapter 5 - Suffer in Silence

The following morning, Lan Zhan woke before Wei Ying. He was unsure as to move because he did not want to wake the man laying on him. He was also very comfortable at the moment. It felt so natural for him to lay there holding the man he loves so much. He wanted to much to tell him his true feelings but with how Wei Ying is acting at the moment, words are not going to help. Especially if you don't know how to express yourself verbally.

Lan Zhan was always a man who kept to himself. Before he met Wei Ying, he did not care about interaction and emotions. He always had such an emotionless expression and people would misinterpret him as being unapproachable. He would not speak unless spoken to nor would he start a conversation. His brother was always the one who know how to read him, how to tell what his Didi was thinking or wanted to say. Lan Xichen spent years just studying his brother to understand him to a point to help him with what he can in his ability.

When Wei Wuxian came along, Lan Zhan experienced emotions he had never felt before. Confusion, embarrassment, angst, angry, happy, sad, worried, and most importantly, love. He didn't understand why he was so drawn to such a mischievous and unfiltered man. True, Wei Wuxian was a flirt, but it was  spending some unwanted time with him that grew Lan Zhan's curiosity.

Traveling with him back then looking for Yin Metal, he was upset yet happy he had Wei Ying with him. He was a smart and clever cultivator and he always appreciated Wei Wuxian's talents. Then, there was that moment with the two in Xuanwu's cave. There was that one moment he got a good look into Wei Wuxian's eyes and really got a taste of his kind and gentle personality. Wei Ying cared a lot about those he loved. He was such a selfless being, Lan Zhan misunderstood him so much for that selflessness.

Treating his leg really showed just how much Wei Ying cared for Lan Zhan. He also bit him that night. He was annoyed by Wei Ying's antics but fear Wei Ying gained from that moment shocked Lan Zhan. He didn't intend to make him afraid, but Wei Ying was also so oblivious to some things. When he thought he was gone after falling into the burial mounds, he knew his true feelings. So when he saw Wuxian again, using demonic arts, it worried him.

Sitting here in the bed now, that worry was still there, but for other reasons. That worry carried some fear; fear of losing Wei Ying again. With the way his brain is working right now, makes Lan Zhan feel that he should not leave him alone. He doesn't want Wei Ying to hurt himself. He remembered his Shijie once told him he had a habit of self-harm.

So, instead of moving from the bed with chances of waking him up, Wangji just laid there, and like last night, he placed his hand on the back of Wuxian's head and started to swirl his fingers through his hair and gently scratching his scalp. He was starting to enjoy doing this to Wei Ying. It was a comfort that he took comfort in himself.

As his fingers danced through Wuxian's hair, he rests his cheek on the man's head. He felt whole lying like this. He felt his world warm up as he laid there with the man he loves in his arms. He was so happy that he let his mind shut off for a while. He eventually started crying, he wanted to know how he can help Wei Ying get his smile back. He only has Lan Zhan now, he had no one else, he knows that he much feel so alone even though Lan Zhan was there. Even if he assured Wei Ying that he would never be alone again with him around, he felt it would not be of help right now.

"...ngji," he someone speak a cut off word, then he heard the man speak again,"Wangji?"

Lan Zhan turned his head and saw his brother standing there in the doorway of Jingshi. Lan Zhan placed his pointer finger to his lips to let his brother know that Wei Ying was still asleep.

"I was wondering where you both were, you weren't at the dining hall for breakfast," Xichen said, "I can have someone bring you something..." Xichen paused for a moment and noticed his brothers eyes were wet from crying, "is everything alright?"

Xichen sat quietly at the food of the bed so he can talk with his brother, "Wei Ying is depressed," Wangji told him, "I told him I offered to help him with his core but he said he doesn't want to cultivate again...he doesn't want to go through the pain of getting thrown around by the cultivation world again. He has pretty much given up. I don't know what to do."

Xichen nodded and started to realize how serious the situation was. With Wuxian this down, and talks of giving up, it is basically saying he is pretty much done. He could understand that Wuxian doesn't want the pain of the cultivation world again, it took a lot of him before. It broke him, drove him to insanity and thought suicide was the only way out.

Xichen thought about that day and his death, his body immediately tensed at the thought of Wuxian thinking suicide was again, his only option. He did not want that. No one deserves to feel so depressed, guilty and alone that death is the only way. They deserve to be heard and helped.

"We will do what we can to at least help him get his mind back on track, Wangji," Xichen explained, "I can think of a few reasons for him to be so depressed. For one, you seem to be his only support...though one support sometimes is enough, he deserves more. I support him, I know he is kind, and warm hearted. Even without a core he is still so smart and talented. He mastered the use of resentful energy and no one has ever done that. He doesn't use it for malicious intentions, he uses it for justice."

Wangji nodded, "thank you," he said to his brother.

"How long has he been laying on you like that?" Xichen asked.

"All night," Lan Zhan answered, "I don't mind though."

"I have noticed," Xichen said, "are you ever going to confess your feelings to him?"

"I want to, but in the past he has always said he has no interest in men, and even if he was interested in me back, is now really a good time for him to be courted?" Lan Zhan asked.

"Maybe, or maybe not," Xichen shrugged, "it's hard to say. If he says he doesn't like men, I don't think it is true...at least when it comes to you. He seems to be okay being this close to you."

"I guess," Lan Zhan said, "maybe I can just have a casual conversation but I don't want to rush things. I have loved him for a long time, I can wait longer."

"Even if it ends up as unrequited love?" Xichen asked.

"For me, as long as he is with me and beside me, I am happy," Lan Zhan said, "I am happy and content enough to be his best friend if that is all he wants."

"You two really are the suffer in silence types, aren't you," Xichen stated and shook his head, "I'll have someone bring breakfast here for you."

Wangji nodded and watched his brother leave. He sighed thinking of his brothers words, 'suffer in silence.' That was Wangji, and he knew that. He didn't care either, at least right now. He is happy right now, and he won't let that change. Though that happiness was friended with worry, as Wei Ying too, was suffering in silence.

'What should I do?' Wangji thought.