King of the Fall

Chapter 12

(Elize)

I was walking down the road in front of my house, or rather the house of the escapist. I was debating. I was debating so much. Things such as life, work, love, Abel, my mom... there was so much and I was debating it all.

I was debating life because... sometimes, in a booze addled state, I didn't feel like living. I didn't know, until now, how much my dad had meant to me. I was so stupid to think that I was devoid of all emotions. When I certainly wasn't. It wasn't possible to for any human to be so, We were all social animals.

I had tied my hair up and hoped that I wouldn't go home with dust motes in my hair that exasperated me further. Yes, it was the little things that got to me. The lack of cheese at home, the lack of air freshener, the lack of emotions, the lack of heart, the complete and utter lack of myself. I was missing from myself, from this place.

I didn't know where I was and I didn't know why this was. Was I depressed? I doubted it. I was sad. Just that. I was sad and it was difficult to process other emotions. I was so sad that when I did have Abel around me, I completely disregarded his presence.

I shook my head, at myself. I mocked myself. I chided myself. I was a product of years of deprivation of love and emotion that I'd done to myself, shielding myself from something that would probably be a hundred million times better than where I was. I was saving myself from heartbreak.

Now, Daddy's little girl was heartbroken because her dad had left her. I turned around, stood on my dimly lit road to look at the nothingness and blackness of my surroundings. I was such a dimwit that I had never considered my life without my parents. I think everyone thinks of that, at least once, but I (the shithead) never had.

I rolled my eyes, at myself. I hated myself, I loathed myself. I was dragging myself through things that wouldn't even be necessary if I had been willing to shed the occasional tear and shrug off the occasional anger. I was such an idiot. I couldn't say it better, because that's what I was. A fucking idiot.

I walked back to my house, a safe-house with booze and smokes and place to drown out the voice in my head, telling me to buck up. Over three weeks were gone, when would this stop?

(Abel)

I looked out of the car window, thinking about all the things that pulled me away from her and yet, here I was driving... being driven back to her. When I offer to drive, when I offer to lead a car, I'm mislead, cause I can't. It was known fact, it was funny but I never laughed when others did.

I looked at the night and thought about what she was seeing, what she was doing right then. I'd fought with her, plenty hushed, plenty hidden. She kept telling me to go home. Kept telling me that she didn't need love, she needed booze. I knew she was hiding. That was the way I always hid. I knew these ways and she treated me like some fucking newborn.

I could see her badgering herself about something, I had no fucking idea what it was. I wasn't the type to ask her either. Do I seem like the type? I'm not. I don't ask questions. I give but I never ask. Why? It's not my place to do it and most of the time, I'm not interested (this situation excepted).

I saw the house approaching and I also saw a very bony figure walking towards it. Elize. I told the driver to stop, handed him a tip, asked him to go home. I got out and then sped to catch up with her. I heard the car whiz away, only now making a noise.
She turned around to face me. A quizzical look on her face for a moment that suddenly faded into recognition. I smiled. "Abel," she said and walked to me. She wrapped her arms around me and I kissed her hair. I smelt two things, her shampoo and smoke.

We walked back to the house. She quizzed me about my days at the studio. She asked me about the music I was making, if I felt it was good enough, if she would get a new album soon, if she could buy a ticket to see me in concert soon. I smiled. She was such a XO girl. I'd never pegged her for it.

But she knew every song, she had the shirts, she had the songs, illegally downloaded and then later the CDs bought and the Itunes version downloaded. It was just like a XO girl. She kissed me and said Abel a lot but I knew she loved the Weeknd just as much.

I told her that I was working that I might release it. Might. I preferred to tease people with that word. Might. I have the might to say might. I smiled at her jokes and jabs and her complaint that Frank Ocean and I were making her wait for no reason.

"Do I get the first copy?" "If you want." She grinned, ear to ear. I smiled back. It seemed so fucking genuine. I wanted to believe that she was back to her old self, that she wasn't still stuck on a page that she couldn't finish reading. That she wasn't stuck in the same sheets that she'd begun with.

"I want to go home, Abel," she announced, when we were perched on the couch. She seemed to battling something inside. I could see her, fighting her thoughts, her emotions that told her otherwise. The ones that begged her to stay.

"Abel, you understand what I'm saying, right?" "Yeah, babe, let's go tomorrow. I'll help you clean..." I looked around before I could finish my sentence. She had cleaned up, a lot. Not entirely, there were three bottles around us, but a lot. She looked healthier too.

"Thanks, kid," she said and kissed my cheek. "Seriously?" "Well, you're a year younger to me. I'd rather assert dominance." "I'm 25." "I'm 26, bitch," she muttered. I tried not to smile. Bitch. Haha.

I kissed her. I kissed her neck, I kissed her behind her ear, her chin, her lips, her nose, her hand, her shoulder. I kissed her. I didn't know what would happen when we returned. Toronto was always a mess for me. I knew that. I smiled still. I looked at her and I fucking smiled, why? 'Cause for a couple of moments, for a couple of hours, for a couple of days, for the past couple of months, I knew that I no longer belonged to the world.

I belonged to one person. As much as I fucked up. I belonged to her. Fuck yes. I was a motherfucking cliche but... I belonged to this woman. And, it was different this time. It is.

There are no words to describe the depth of your indifference...