Moving Mountains (Patrick Kane)

Love Itself Can Be The Lie .12

Valerie

Now that it's July I do try and get out more. The weather is nice and my mood seems to be livelier. There are so many things to do and places to see. It would be a shame if I stay locked in my room like Rapunzel.

So I force myself to get out, reach beyond my comfort zone and do something new. Today I decided to do something I haven't done in a long time and that's roller blade.

Honestly I don't even remember how to use these things. And even when I skated before often it usually ended up with me pretty messed up from scrapes and bruises. It's been a while since I was in anything but black tennis shoes, but there's a great skating path along Lake Michigan and it would be a shame to let it go to waste.

I meet Patrick at the start of the path so people blade and bike along. The water was coming in pretty high but it wasn't completely un-skatable. So we lace up and try our best not to fall in the water with this wind.

"You're not bad" he noticed.

"I'm not totally clueless you know. I might not show interest in most anything but I was still a curious little kid once. There's a childhood buried inside of me somewhere" I insist.

"What were you like as a kid" he wonders.

"Kinda scary. I sat in the back of the class and watched my life pass me by. Don't think I spoke at all during grade school and for much of middle school. It was like I was a audience member in my own life. Sometimes it seemed like I saw life from a whole different point of view than everyone else. I couldn't figure out how to fit in, it was such a mystery to me. To act like I wanted to be there seemed impossible. No matter how long I watched, no matter what I learned I never figured out what my place was in it all. Kids made fun of me, called me names and kept me away but I didn't mind, rather be by myself than ever consider myself one of them. I could watch and imitate people all I wanted but as soon as it got to the point where I had to be myself... I froze.

My grandma did everything she could to help me. I didn't understand it at the time but she did what was best for me even if that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to go to the same school as my siblings but she advised against it. Little did I know my dad wanted us to all be separated for whatever reason. He let them all go off with brothers and sisters on his side of the family still in Indiana. But with me being the baby and being coddled by my mom he knew I still needed a piece of her in order to move on. The other kids had more time with mom and I needed someone who resembled her.

That's what I tell myself anyway. In reality my grandma said she can only take one kid and him and I never really connected so it made the most sense. But I'm glad it happened that way. My grandma did everything she could to let me be myself and that included figuring out just who that was" I explain.

"Can I ask you something" he starts. I just know this isn't going to end well.

I come to a stop and he stops in front of me.

"Patrick, asking questions is not without consequence. Knowledge can be a burden" I insist.

"You don't have to answer" he claims.

"But you know I will. And I'll answer honestly, because you deserve that in the least. That doesn't mean you'll like the answer" I say.

"I know. But I want to get to know you. Actually I want to more than know, I want to understand. I've learned a lot about you but I know there's more to you than this hard shell you wear. I want to see what's inside that shell, for myself" he begs.

"The shell is there for a reason. To protect what's inside, and out" I warn.

His shoulders fall as the weight of his curiousity pushes them down. He shifts from side to side in his skates before looking back up at me.

"I need to know" he whispers.

"You have but to ask" I assure him.

"Why don't you talk about your grandma? You talk about your mom of who you have little memories of. And even your dad you tell yourself is a better man than he deserves.

But you don't talk about your grandma, only that she took you in. Why" he question.

I reach up and grab the necklace my grandma gave me all those years ago, the only thing that seemed to give me a sense of home.

"Because it's painful. I don't talk about her because I'm ashamed of what happened in the end. Everything there is to say, needs to be said to her, but I can't. She gave me everything, a home, warm meals, rides to school and so much more. Didn't need to do anything for me and yet she gave me the world. Every trip to the hospital and parent teacher conference she was by my side. She was the only person I remembered coming to love. Who's embrace made me happy. I resented everyone but her. My soft spot. Losing her hurt for so many reasons, but knowing that I gave her so much, and she took a lot of me with her. I was terrified. Who am I without her?

Right after I graduated it all went down hill. She didn't even tell me she was sick at first. Probably knew I would overreact. I didn't talk to her for days when I found out. By this point she was beyond saving and we all knew it. Being that rebellious teenager I thought that she was abandoning me like everyone else in my life had already done. I had spent most of my life learning about her, what makes her smile, feeling the love she gave me. In my mind since she lied to me about her illness for so long that meant she didn't love me.

Love itself can be the lie.

So when she got admitted to the hospital to live out the rest of her days as pain free as possible... I didn't come see her the majority of the time. Almost the whole time she was in there actually. I would be working to help pay for bills or I would get to the hospital and just stand outside. Look up at the place knowing that I would leave and she most likely wouldn't ever leave again. Just as she was all I had left, I was all she had left. And I felt like that wasn't enough. I couldn't keep her here no matter how hard I tried. It's a scary feeling, knowing that time was slipping by. I wasn't strong enough to support myself let alone her too. No one was there to guide me.

I don't talk about her because I don't want to admit that I messed up. Never should have ignored her, left her there by herself. She was ready to see her husband and her daughter again, but she wasn't ready to let me go either. Fought like hell for every last second she had on this earth. And so I pushed her away. In the end she was all alone and I was in the apartment crying like a baby. Feeling sorry for myself not even realizing all the precious time we hand left had slipped right through my fingers.

There's not much in this life I regret. But I should have been there when she passed. Held her hand as she joined her daughter. Told her that she was the one thing in my life that made it worth living. Instead I sat in the bathroom of the apartment feeling the one thing in this life I couldn't bare to lose slip away" I explain.

All of the sudden I feel his hand on my face and I get frozen. He takes his thumb and wipes away a tear I didn't even know had fallen. I haven't told anyone my feelings, wouldn't even let them out when I was alone. Yet with him all these emotions slide out like butter on a hot pan.

"I think... she would just want you to be happy. Because she is the only person who truly knows what makes you happy. And she knew that. That's why she fought so hard to stay, so you at least knew there was still someone who understood you. Then when you lost her you felt truly alone, for the first time" he says.

I lean into his hand and for a moment it was bliss. Then I pull back as I realize this is not what we thought it was.

"I uh- I'm sorry. I hate when I get emotional like this" I sigh.

"That's okay. I know you haven't told anyone that. I'm glad you could tell me" he insists.

"Me too" I agree.