Moving Mountains (Patrick Kane)

Fine China .48

Patrick

It gets later into February and the number of games pick up again. Leaving Chicago gets harder and harder each time I do it. I know things will change from the time I leave to the time I get back. That was always inevitable. And while change doesn't scare me as much as it used to, it's still hard knowing Valerie and I's lives will continue on even when we're apart. I don't want to miss a thing, and I don't want her feel like all these hardships are something she has to figure out on her own. I'm here now and I want to say she will never have to do anything by herself again, but I know that not to be true. No matter how bad I want it to be that way.

I never know if she's okay, if she feels happy or not. Reading her was like trying to understand a whole another language sometimes. And I love that about her, the unpredictability makes her who she is. But the hiding and the lying about what she is feeling only puts more space between me being able to help and where we are now.

Valerie was like a cabinet full of fine china. Beautiful designs and art that anyone who can get the doors open would admire for centuries. And for anyone who can find the light long enough to see it. I always admired that about her. How she's delicate yet tough. Breakable but she's been through thousands of meals before, still holding strong.

But she has too many plates, she's kept too many that should have been thrown away and the next time the cabinet doors open something is bound to break. And you can keep the door closed forever, never to add or take a piece of china again. But china as beautiful as that deserves to have the light shine on it. And a cabinet as full as that deserves to let go of the past, to leave room for new adventures, new people. Even old things through new eyes. I think she deserves at least that.

We sit in a park in the freezing cold as she just watched the snow fall. She had on a long black coat and the thickest pair of black snow boots she can get her hand on. She stares at the sky watching the snow land on her face. And I just watch her. Admire her as the art she is, waiting for something to open those cabinets and for it all to come out.

"Valerie" I say.

She doesn't respond, doesn't move a muscle. She knows if those doors open a centimeter it'll all come down. She doesn't know what to do, what to say, or how she feels. She doesn't know if she wants to let it all go or to keep fighting.

"Val please say something" I beg. The silence was deafening at this point.

"What is there to say" she asks.

"Anything. You could say anything and I would hang on every word. Your brain is incredible and I thank god every day that you share your thoughts and experiences with me. Your presence makes be a better person, I know it. But I have this feeling like everything is slipping away and you're not even going to put up a fight. Scared to burden people. But you're not a burden Val" I try.

"Everything is fine"  she mumbles as she turns to me. Her words may lie but her eyes don't. And her eyes were tried, they were broken down. They couldn't hide anything.

"Babe, you have to talk to me" I beg.

"Patrick... I don't know what to say" she explains.

"And that's okay. You can tell me that you don't have words right now. But brushing me off, smacking away a hand that is there to help you, that's not how you're going to get through this. I bet you we could get through this together" I promise her.

"What do you know about the way I feel? Your family loves you. They know you Patrick because they were there. They have always been there and that's something that will never change. Just as I can't remember celebrating a birthday with my family, can't remember the last time I saw a family at the park and didn't want to break down crying. I love that you care for your sisters as much as you do. But you can't sit here and tell me that you could possibly understand what I am feeling. There's are no words. How can I talk about a lifetime worth of moments where nothing happened? Can't cry over something that was never there. Can't complain about that I cannot feel. So what am I supposed to do? Huh? Tell me how I am supposed to feel because all this time I have felt nothing. Didn't care about my dad, didn't want a sister or brother. And now I know what it's like to have a family and I want mine back. But why? What could I possibly gain that would make all those years of nothing disappear? What would take its place" she cries.

I sit there as the tears silently run down her face, her voice never wavered, her breath never hitched. For once she said what she wanted to, didn't swallow that impossibly big pill. That pill she lets get bigger and bigger every time she bites her tongue.

I don't let the tears sit on her face too long before wiping them away. They were warm even though her cheeks were so cold. I feel her lean into my hand and I knew that she didn't say these words to hurt me but to figure things out. She's right, I wouldn't know what she's feeling. How could I? My issues isn't that I couldn't find my family, hell I can't get rid of them. So what can I say to make her feel better...

"Life can be beautiful. But it can be ugly too. It's been ugly to you and you've shown your beauty each and every time. The line between good and bad, pretty and ugly, it is thin. Depending on where you stand is how you see things. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We all live life on this earth we just see it differently.

You have the opportunity to get back what you lost all those years ago. It's never too late to do the right thing. I'm not saying that you should forgive your father or to show up at your siblings doorstep like nothing happened. I'm saying you're not a bad person for wanting those things either. You don't have to forgive your dad and you don't have to reach out to your brothers. There is no good way to go about this.

But those feelings you have, those ones you kept stacking and stacking until you could stack no more, those feelings are important. And they're important to let out" I insist.

"I'm scared" she whispers.

"That's okay too. You won't do this alone. My family is behind you. We will do whatever it takes to make you happy. We'll help you find your siblings and reach out. Arrange something for you guys to meet up" I say.

"You don't have to do all of that" she insists.

"But I want to. I really do. This way we can pick up the pieces together and no one has to get cut" I say.

"Okay" she smiles.