Moving Mountains (Patrick Kane)

Peaceful Decisions .54

Patrick

Being an athlete is difficult for many different reasons. I think the hardest thing is the expectation to be happy all the time because we get paid to do the things we love. You got marriage problems? Well you have no room to complain. You got hurt? Someone out there is still playing and they're hurting even more. You want to go somewhere else because they can pay you more? You should be grateful you even have a team who wants to keep you. Sometimes we can't win.

For me the hardest part was putting on a smile. For a while I had to fake it. Act like I wanted to be here when in reality I needed help in the worse way. I had fallen into a hole so deep it could pierce the earth. No one knew, no one even cared enough to ask. They took one look at my life and decided for me that it should be happy. I just... wasn't.

I've gotten better and my friends helped me come back to the light but I still have my dark days. Still have moments of weakness. One thing I've learned is that growth isn't linear. We can't ride it to the top. There's highs and lows and you have to ride them.

Today was rough, it was my grandpas birthday and I wanted to be home to celebrate with my family and visit his grave but I couldn't. I was stuck in Chicago and he was in a place I might never see him again. I related a lot with how Val felt about her grandma because I felt the same way too. I owed a lot to this man and I'll never be able to properly tell him. I never even got to say goodbye. That is a different kind of pain, especially on days like today.

I decide to turn my phone off and take a day to rewind. Naturally I have Valerie over because she always made me feel better and gave the greatest advice. So she sits in my lap and I play with her hair. Nothing but silence surround us.

"What was your grandpa like" she wonders.

"He was a force, that's for sure. A very valuable man with the strongest morals. He was a big name in New York, helped a lot of people. I looked up to him, how people feared him. Respected him. Like some kind of army general.

But he was never like that with me and my sisters. Never missed a game or a tea party. He lived right next to us for most of my life. I relied on him in so many ways. So when he passed I lost myself. I wasn't sure what to do. People treated me the same but such a big part of me was gone now. I didn't think I would know how to live without him" I admit.

"I know the feeling, all too well" she admits.

"What got you through" I whisper.

"My grandma used to tell me "we must find peace in decisions we did not make." And the first few times she spoke those words to me I didn't know what it meant, truly. I was just a kid, in what right should I have understood that?

But I did. I had to make peace in the decision that man made when he got behind the wheel while intoxicated and killed my mom. I had to make peace in my dads decision to leave me behind. I had to make peace with the sacrifices my grandma made to keep me. Just as how people have to make peace with my decision to leave and not bring them with me.

In short we say it is what it is, but it's more than that. It is understanding that we didn't make this decision therefore we do not have a say in the outcome. It's a hard pill to swallow, especially for someone like me who so desperately clings to any sense of direction she can get her hands on. I know when my fate has been made but I also know that it is up to me to take the next step.

I think it's important to know that there is a kind of permanence in accepting other peoples choices, but it's more important to find peace in those decisions" she explains.

"I don't get it. You shouldn't have to accept the passing of your mother or your dad abandoning you. It might be inevitable but it doesn't make it fair. You don't deserve that" I argue.

"No, I don't, but that doesn't change reality. And the more you fight that, the more you curse the world for all the decisions it made for you, then the harder it will be to ever be truly happy. Sure you didn't ask to be this teenage star, you just wanted to play hockey. That's all. And the choices people made for you every single day altered your way of life as you knew it. But you can't do anything about that. Curse at the world, sure, it's still not going to change. People decided that you were going to be a problematic bad boy and you cannot change that because that's a choice you did not make" she says.

"I rather just drink" I mumble.

"And how far did that get you" she questions.

The room falls silent as I let out a long sigh. "It got me nowhere. In fact it got me in trouble more times than not" I confess.

"So how is my way of thinking any worse thank yours" she wonders.

"Because I don't want to accept that my grandpa passed or that people can't see me for who I am as opposed to what I see for myself. I still miss him every day and you saw me for everything I wanted to be. Why should I accept anything less" I ask.

"Because we have to, Pat. No matter how much you cry for him, you pray for him, his fate is sealed. As is ours. Just as the world can never see you in the way you want, I can never see you any other way" she explains.

She turns to me and the moment her hazel eyes meet mine and I had a feeling of reassurance. The kind of toughness she has I admired. The way the world beat on her time and time and time again and she can still look back with a smile. I want to be like that and I'm finally learning how.

"Wanna take a nap" I offer and she smiles.

"I would use one" she admits.

We lay down and I hold her close in my arms. I try and close my eyes but like always they stay on her. Her words play in my head like a song as I think about just how lucky I am to love her.