Moving Mountains (Patrick Kane)

Admirer .44

Valerie

My whole life I never felt the need to fit in. Never yearned for a sense of belonging. I felt right at home on the outside looking in. Sure it was a isolating feeling, but I was happy. No one was there to tell me what to think or feel. I wasn't in my head asking if people liked me or if I was a burden. I was there but I wasn't at the same time.

So when Patrick told me about a team dinner with everyone I was a little skeptical. I don't belong in gatherings like that. With his family it's different, for they're the only family I know. But to be around so many that I have nothing in common with... I wasn't sold. I of course told him yes because this was important to him and I want to be in this part of his life. But I don't know how to small talk more than being a server. These women and I live in two totally different worlds. There's nothing wrong with that but I can't act like I belong in this world, not for too long at least.

"If you really don't want to do this we can go" Patrick says as we sit in his car outside of the restaurant.

"It's okay, Patrick. I'm not afraid to change for you" I assure him.

"I just want you to be comfortable" he tries.

"That's not gonna happen" I smirk. "But thank you for your concern."

We get inside and immediately people swarm to him. And I get it, he was a fun guy who cares a lot about the people in his life and he treats them right. It's one of the many things I love about him. But I'm not like that.

So I excuse myself and grab a bottle of water. Like I have my whole life I stand with my back against the wall, eyes surveying the room trying to pick up on small details that most people miss.

As the night goes on Patrick comes to check on me but I encourage him to be with his friends. I usually blend in rooms like this so it wasn't hard for me to go unnoticed. Of course I had a few people come up to me and say "so you're the one Patrick won't shut up about" as I laugh awkwardly and they go on their way. I never really had much of a sense of humor in that way. But at least I know Patrick says nice things.

I sense someone approach me and I see a girl who was wearing the brightest colors that could be put on clothing. She had long blonde hair and a perky smile. Makes me sick.

"Valerie right" she asks as she stops in front of me.

"That's me" I smile back.

"I don't know if you remember me, I'm Kiley" she introduces.

"I do remember you from Patrick's place. It's a pleasure to see you again, Kiley" I nod.

"What are you doing pressed up against the wall" she wonders.

"This is more of Patrick's thing. I'm here to support him, put him in his place from time to time" I joke.

"Oh he needs a lot of that. I haven't met anyone who figured him out but it seems you have" she accuses. I wonder what she means by that?

"I don't know a lot of things, but I know that man has my heart. He's the first person to really reach out to me, to see me. And while I love that he wants me to be a part of this crazy life he leads this really isn't my kind of thing" I admit. "I'm more of a observer. Of an admirer if you will."

"To be honest this isn't much my thing either. My boyfriend is Jonathan, the captain. So when people see him they think the girl he is with is some kind of leader. Or a tactical genius. In reality I don't know what I'm doing here beyond me just wanting to be by his side because I love him so much" she giggles.

"Sometimes it's easier to see from the outside, not from the inside" I explain.

"What do you see" she wonders.

"Sometimes it's hard for me to see. I look around and people look like they have it all. I never look for flaws in people, I try to find to good but it's easy to get blinded. It looks like all the pieces of the puzzle are where they need to be. Stacked neatly next to one another making them complete. And then I look closer and see a piece missing, then another and then another. We're all perfectly imperfect yet we try to hide the holes worried about what people will say when they realize they're incomplete. All of the sudden there's these holes people have and there's nothing to fill them because instead of worrying about fixing it they try to hide it. Cover it up with a smile or a laugh. My whole life I've watched people, tried to fill their holes from afar. Too scared to be that piece that they're missing, knowing that I don't fit in much anywhere let alone in the lives of others. But that doesn't mean I still can't help, I won't be the missing puzzle piece but I can be what they need until they can figure it out.

Sometimes it doesn't take much. A small act of kindness, a compliment can help out. A grain of sand doesn't seem like much but many of them can fill you up. Life's just like that. And sometimes we spill but hey, we tried right? A puzzle needs a perfect fit and no one can complete every puzzle they come across. If you give out all your puzzle pieces then you won't ever be complete yourself. Eventually you won't even remember what puzzle you were trying to solve in the first place.

I don't keep to myself because I'm stuck up, and I'm not scared either. It's just a lot easier to see the whole picture from afar. And to be that temporary fill once you get in a little closer" I explain.

"Well I see what's got Patrick going all crazy. You seem like the girl who tells it as it is and he needs that. More than he knows. He's so used to being the center of attention he needed someone who can see the whole him. Who looks at those missing pieces and doesn't force themselves to fit. You molded him to fit, you've molded yourself as well. I think you guys are lucky to have each other" she explains.

"You sure don't sound like someone who doesn't know how to lead" I accuse making her chuckle.

"Jonny's rubbed off on me. Plus having someone like you around will make everything easier. We need someone in this group who isn't trying to be someone they're not. Even I'm guilty of it sometimes. But I like that you are true to who you are, not trying to be someone you're not to impress everyone here" she says.

"It's the only way I know how to be. And I know not everyone will like me. People look at me and say I don't have the capability of feeling anything. That I'm some heartless robot. And I guess to a certain extent that's true. It takes a lot to make me show emotion. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I felt empathy to a point where it shows. Wish I could express anything besides disapproving. But for as long as I remember showing emotions, projecting, it wasn't easy. I knew what I felt, but how to express that was impossible. My whole life I acted like everything was okay. You say something enough times it has to be true. Or at least that's what we tell ourselves.

I know my place here along these walls. On the outside looking in. Being who I can be" I defend.

"You know... I really like you Valerie" she smiles as I smile back.

"I like you too" I admit.