Moving Mountains (Patrick Kane)

The State Of Mind .42

Patrick

The winters in Chicago can be pretty harsh. I mean impossibly awful at times. While the snow can be beautiful, it can also be dangerous. The roads never seemed to get plowed and it can shut off power. While I love this place with all my heart, I can't sit here and act like I enjoyed this snow.

"You failed to tell me when I started driving I would have to drive in this crap" Valerie teases from the window. She had my blanket I keep on the couch around her shoulders as it continues to lay sheets of snow on top of the other sheets we already have.

"Yeah a lot of people in Chicago don't get their license because of this" I admit.

"I don't know how I'm getting my car out" she sighs.

I stand behind her as I wrap my arms around her chest. Her head leans back into my shoulder as we just watch the snow fall.

"Maybe you don't get your car out. Maybe instead of going out there and freezing to death you spend the night here" I try.

She doesn't say anything as she just watches the world fall apart outside. But she was safe in here, in my arms, and I want her to know that. I want her to feel like she is home in my embrace just as I feel at home in hers.

"Why do you want me to stay" she asks just getting straight to it.

"Because I love you, and because I cherish every moment with you. I know time isn't always in our favor, and as we go through life if I can slow down time to spend one night with you... well I would do anything for that to happen" I admit.

She reaches up and starts to rub my arms softly. She made me feel all warm inside, like we were watching the rain instead.

"I want to stay... with you. But I'm scared" she admits.

"I understand" I assure her. "Can I ask what you're scared of?"

"That I'm going to mess this up. That the more time we spend together you'll realize things about me that you couldn't see when I keep you at a distance. I'm scared that one day you'll get tired of me being unsure, that you'll realize that this isn't really what you wanted. I worry that you'll stay with me because that's what you once wanted and not the way you feel" she explains.

I walk around her so I was standing in front of her. Her cold eyes stare right through me. I know she had her doubts, her fears about this whole situation. She said she wanted to learn about love and this is the kinds of things that come with it. The confusing, sometimes hurtful thoughts. The things that usually go left unsaid. Luckily she wasn't the one to bite her tongue.

"I don't know what to tell you about the future. You and I both know that the feelings we have are strong and they'll change. But I can tell you that nothing that happens between us changes what we've been through.

I've spent the whole summer falling in love with you. Nothing will take that away. And as we grow our feeling will grow with us. Maybe it won't always be fun but I do know that no matter what, I will love you" I promise.

She fights off a smile as she stops trying to see through me. She sees me standing here in front of her confessing my feelings. I never would have been able to do this in my previous relationships. I never saw the point. Now I get why it's important to tell her these things. Not just assuming she knows. I can't just say that she knows how I feel because she doesn't. She doesn't know a thing about love. Luckily we get to figure it out together.

"Why don't we get ready for bed" I suggest.

"Sounds good" she smiles.

I give her a change of clothes and let her have the bathroom for a while. I sit in bed and wait for her to get out. Scroll through my phone trying to ignore all the reports of the snow and how bad it is out there. It was important we stay safe and warm within these walls.

Eventually she comes out in just the shirt I gave her. Her growing hair let down and her extra clothes in her arms.

"Where should I put this" she wonders.

"Anywhere is fine" I say barley above a whisper.

I watch as she walks over to the closet to set her things down. She turns to me not sure what to do next. So I smile, I lift the sheets and she crawls in with me. I wrap the blanket around her to shelter her from the cold. Her hair still damp but I didn't mind.

She rests her head on my arm as she looks up at me. I can tell she was nervous, not sure what to think. So I reach my hand out and softly rest it on her cheek. Her skin was cold but my hand was warm as I slowly caress her face.

"You are so beautiful" I whisper.

"You make me feel beautiful" she claims.

"I wish I could stay like this forever" I sigh.

"That's no way to live. We make memories but but not for the purpose of staying" she explains.

"But my memories with you are my favorite" I insist.

"Sometimes memories are more like jail cells with no key. We get stuck in a moment in time that we were never meant to stay in. Get caught up in what used to be never being able to see what could be. Even good memories are a trap. I think those are the strongest ones because you truly believe life can be like that again.

Memories are dangerous. We might forget words or sights but feelings, those are forever. And we will never truly forget. Things don't leave the brain they just go to spots where we can't access. But there is no such thing as unlearning. When I took psychology in high school we talked about unlearning behaviors. Breaking down trauma. But you'll never forget what it feels like. Those memories... those aren't the ones that seem to fade.

But if I can get trapped in moments like this, well that would be just fine with me. If I get stuck in any space and time I hope it's here, and I hope it's with you" she says.

I lean over until my lips were on hers. I feel her arms wrap around my back making me smile. "I hope so too" I whisper on her lips.