Moving Mountains (Patrick Kane)

How Dare He .25

Valerie

Working at a hotel in Chicago is pretty crazy. I work close to the water so it has some great views and there's tons of interesting people who come through here. The visiting teams often comes and stay here from various sports and I have to have coworkers explain to me who they are and why they're important. I'm catching on but it's gonna take a while to remember everyone and why they're worth remembering.

Tonight the Nashville Predators were in town and after I get in a argument with Patrick about why The Predators is a awful mascot since it is not a animal rather a vague group of animals he tells me some of the guys on the team. I see their names on our list and know which ones to keep a eye out for because they can be ruthless sometimes.

The team comes in and we hand them their key cards. The guy at the end takes the card but doesn't leave, instead he just stares at me.

"How may I assist you" I ask when he had been looking for a little too long.

"Do you know who I am" he asks.

"Should I" I question.

He starts to laugh as he shakes his head. "I'm Ryan Hartman, I'm a good friend of Patrick's. He told me all about you" he claims and my eyes got big.

What could he possibly be telling his buddies about me? Is he annoyed with me? Is he questioning why he even put so much effort into something like this? I could only speculate at this point and that's doing no one any favors. So I just have to hope it's all good things.

"I see that look in your face, don't worry. Didn't have a bad thing to say. In fact he talked about you like you are some kind of angel. He really likes you" he tells me.

That feeling of fear gets taken over by a new feeling. One that makes my face burn and my smile undeniable. My heart starts to race and my mind starts to wander. It was the greatest feeling in the world, and I hated it.

"Well that's good to hear" I manage to squeak out.

"I'll try to keep the guys in line for your sake. Have a great night, Valerie" he says.

"You as well" I nod.

Once he was up to the room that was the last of them. The bus driver gets all taken care of and I was pretty much done for the night. Most people were checked in and my duties at the front desk were complete.

So I clock out and decide to go for a walk. I make it to the pier and sit by myself. It was about 11 pm and they will be closing down here soon so my time out here was going to be short. But that's okay because as the time goes on the farther I spiral and I didn't want to be lost in a infinite void I created once again.

My phone goes off in my pocket and it was Patrick just sending a random text again.

I hope Ryan was nice to you. Tell me if he's not and I'll check him a few times during our game for good measure.

I just roll my eyes before sending a reply.

My knight in shining armor huh? He was actually the nicest athlete I've come across so far so you have nothing to worry about.

Good. Because I practically raised that kid.

Father of the year.

So what are you doing now?

Sitting outside, looking at the stars

You thinking of me?

I stop for a moment because he was right. I was thinking of him. Lately he was all I could think about. Even when he's not around he is trying to watch over me. Make sure I'm doing okay and that I smiled today. Thanks to him I have, thanks to him a lot has changed.

Maybe

Well I'm thinking of you, always. And I hope that you've smiled today.
You have the most beautiful smile.

And that's when that feeling takes over again. That one I can't quite make out. Is it lust? Is it admiration?

Is it love?

I immediately stand up and stuff my phone in my pocket. I never called it love because I didn't want to feel like that. Didn't want love, didn't want to be loved. Never asked for any of it, never once thought to myself that I wanted to be in love. But if it's not love then it's something far worse.

But how do I know I love him? How can I possibly justify the way he makes me feel if it's not love? From the start he knew I didn't want anything like this. I wanted to just help people like him see the world he was living in, and see why the world needs people like him to be true. And he was true, eventually, once he stopped acting like he's someone he wasn't. And that someone just so happens to be someone I can't live without.

So how dare he let me fall in love with him? How dare he let me fall into this belief that I am capable of feeling the way I do? How dare he show me that I am worthy of being in love? How dare he look at me with those beautiful blue eyes and not blow right by me, just like everyone else?

I lived my life in the shadows, my whole life I worked in the dark never once wondering what life was like with the sun on my skin. Then he comes around talking about how I'm the sun, how I light up his world. Making me believe that maybe this life isn't so bad after all.

Because I know it is. I know that love isn't something that will fix everything. It doesn't mend the broken parts of my past, and it won't stop me from being hurt in the future. Love comes with heartbreak and regret, fights and long nights. But that part of love was never what caused me to hesitate. I tried to avoid it because it makes you believe in things that just aren't true. See the world through a blind fold if you will.

And I'm scared because I spent my whole life with my eyes wide open, watching everyone's every move learning about people. About how we communicate and how we belong in each other's life. And I truly believed I was a piece of no one's puzzle, too rough around the edges to fit in. So I lived my life on the outside, helping them complete their puzzles before they try to make room for me.

Now everything has changed. I met someone who wasn't going to leave me. The first person I didn't want to walk away. And I hated him for that. From the very start he was so insistent on being near me, and for what? To trap me? Make me fall in love? How could he have possibly known that the girl who could never fall in love finally learned how? But how could he ever doubt that is what would happen from the start?

I look at the necklace he gave me as I pick it up in my hand. Never knew I could feel like this, or that I would be so damn frustrating. I don't know what to do when it came to this man. Thought I had it all figured out. Was comfortable watching from a distance, letting other people struggle to justify their feelings to their actions. It's a lot harder to understand from the inside than it is from the outside. But what do I do? What do I say? Does he feel the same? How will I know? Times like this I could really use grandmas advice.

I wish I knew what came next. Which path to take. If I tell him everything, what's going to change? And if I don't will these feelings go away? I don't want them to. I want my stomach to be in knots forever. But I'm not willing to risk everything for a feeling. Not yet at least.