Crash & Burn x Jemily

51

July 20th, 7:00 am
After Emily left last night I got in bed and cried. I couldn't stop crying. Her words kept running through my head. "Why are we even getting married?"

I couldn't fall asleep until almost 3 am. The baby was kicking so hard and she wouldn't stop. My stomach was hurting and my head was pounding and my eyes were red and sore from crying.

All I wanted was for Emily to come home. I texted her but she didn't answer. She's gone because I was just so stupid and I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I lost her.

When I woke up I somehow felt worse. My bed was cold and empty without Emily. It wasn't even my bed. It was our bed. The baby was still kicking and it felt like something was wrong. It was hurting a lot and it was nonstop.

I couldn't force myself to get out of bed. When I finally did the pain was so unbearable I could hardly even walk.

Everything is messed up. It shouldn't be like this. Emily should be here. How could my life be so perfect yesterday and now it's this?

I wanted to just curl up on the floor and cry. Or wait until someone found me weeks later when I'm already dead.

I managed to get dressed, but I started throwing up right after I was done. It hurt so bad and I could feel her feet against my stomach. Something was wrong.

I went into the bathroom but I didn't even brush my hair because I didn't have enough energy to do it.

The only thing I could keep my eyes on was an old razor blade sitting in the shower. It felt like it was staring at me. Like it wanted me to pick it up. Because I was useless. I hurt my baby. I hurt Emily. I hurt everyone. Why not myself?

I didn't grab it though. Because there was just a small voice in the back of my head that told me that I was wrong. I don't know what to believe anymore but I know I need to see a doctor because I can barely stand.

I grabbed a hair tie, snapping it on my wrists over and over again. That's what Emily taught me to do. I grabbed my phone and texted Hotch.

I can't come to work today. I have a doctors appointment, sorry.

I didn't want to see Emily either. I can't face her because she hates me now.

I grabbed my purse, and got in the car. I wasn't sure if I could even drive, but I managed.

I got to the emergency room pretty quickly. I also got a text from Hotch telling me that it was fine. He probably thought it was just a normal one.

I got checked in and waited for about half an hour before they took me up to an exam room. Dr. Montgomery was working that day so she came and saw me.

"JJ." She walked into the room. "It's good to see you again, but I wish it wasn't like this." She sighed.

She sat down on the chair, preparing everything. "What kind of pain does it feel like? Was there anything you think could've caused this?"

"It feels like she's kicking nonstop. It started last night and it won't stop. It hurts like some kind of pressure on the inside of my stomach. I don't know why."

She lifted my shirt, spreading the cold gel onto my stomach. She took the ultrasound sound wand, running it over.

I was so nervous and I honestly wanted to cry. What if something was wrong? I hurt my baby.

When Dr. Montgomery started to smile I felt a little better. She turned the screen towards me so I could see.

"You're baby looks very healthy. Strong heart beat at 147 bpm. She is looking pretty active right now, but that's not a bad sign. It means she's growing and developing well. The pain is probably caused by the duration it's been going on. Sometimes when moms are stressed or upset the baby can respond to it."