Crash & Burn x Jemily

58

October 8th, 6:00 am
It's JJ's second day in the hospital and I can tell she really wants to get home.

She was laying down with Olivia in her arms and I was sitting on the couch. She hasn't slept or eaten much. She's up every few hours to feed the baby, but it still feels like she's somehow avoiding sleep.

"I'm going to the bathroom." JJ said, setting Olivia down in the bassinet. She started to whimper as JJ disappeared through the door attached to the room.

I went over and picked her up, rocking her back and forth. "Shhh it's okay, it's okay." I whispered. "She'll be back soon."

She lifted her little arm, reaching up and touching my cheek. I found it's something she does when either one of us holds her. It's pretty cute.

After a while JJ didn't come out. For some reason I just had a bad feeling. I asked her nurse to take Olivia up to the nursery for a couple hours.

I knew JJ would be upset, but I also know she needs to rest for a few hours.

Once the nurse took her I knocked on the bathroom door. "Jen? Are you okay?"

She didn't answer. The door didn't lock, so I could just go in. "JJ, I'm coming in." I told her, as I cracked the door open.

JJ was sitting on the floor in the corner, her knees pressed to her chest and her face buried down. I feel awful because I'm pretty sure this is what she's been doing for the last 15 minutes.

"JJ?" I knelt down in front of her. "What's wrong baby?"

She didn't lift her head. "Talk to me. Tell me what's wrong." I said, holding her hand in mine. She still didn't say anything, and I could hear her let out a soft cry.

I sighed, wrapping my arms around her waist and lifting her up. I took her back outside and set her down on the bed. When I did, her eyes shot to the empty bassinet.

"Where's the baby?" She nearly shouted. "Did someone take her? Emily where is she?!" She started sobbing, probably because she was already upset.

"Hey, hey. It's okay. She's in the nursery. She's okay." I sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing her back. "Take a deep breath. She's okay. They're going to bring her back in a couple hours."

"I want her back now!" JJ cried.

"She's safe. She's okay. I need you to tell me what's happening." I said softly. She buried her face in her hands.

I swung my feet over so I was laying next to her. I pulled her close and kissed the top of her head. "You're barely sleeping or eating. You're quiet all the time. When the team comes in you hardly ever say anything. I could hear you crying last night. And then I walk into the bathroom and you're on the floor nearly having a panic attack. I'm worried about you."

She started to get angry. "Are you profiling me? What happening to not profiling family? What about the team? Derek, Spencer, Tara, Hotch? Do you profile them too? I'm your wife!"

Even though she was mad, I could tell I was getting somewhere. I didn't say anything because I knew she'd keep going. And I was right.

"I'm tired all the time. You're right I don't eat and I don't sleep. Because I'm worried all the time. Every single thing makes me worried. And I hate hospitals because the walls are always closing in on me and I can't breathe! The team is always here and I just want them to leave me alone for five fucking minutes. I want to be alone but I hate being alone and everything is suffocating me. I just want to feel normal again."

By now she wasn't even angry anymore, she was just crying. She buried her face in my chest and just cried. I held her tightly and ran my fingers through her hair.