Safe Haven | Billie Eilish

3

The abuse I had received today was like no other, maybe one day I'll spill what I had to experience today but for my own sake I hope I don't live to tell the tale.

Tonight is the night I have been planning for, the night I'd planned for months. I was finally going to be at peace with myself. The thing I had wanted for my whole life and only just found a way to have.

All my notes were written, I had left them on the table in the kitchen. I put them in an obvious place because I knew no one would even bother to venture into my room. I never leave that place so no one can be bothered to check up on me anymore.

I had one for my mum and dad because I had nothing much to say to them, they didn't give theirs so why should I give them mine and then next to it was one for my brother. There were strict instructions with it, he wasn't allowed to open it until his thirteenth birthday because only then would he be able to understand what happened to me and why I had to leave. My other siblings didn't need notes, they knew I suffering but chose to leave me there with the abuse.

After leaving the notes, I went to my brother's room and kissed him on the forehead. I knew it would be my final interaction with him and I can't lie when I say I was worried that he would be left with abusive parents but I can't do anything if I'm dead.

Walking out of that house was like a breath of fresh air, I was free. I was no longer stuck under strict instructions to not breathe basically.

I had already decided prior to tonight that I would be going to the bridge furthest from home that way no one I knew would find me. As much as I wanted to throw it in their face that they caused this pain, they didn't deserve that but then again no one did.

Making my way all the way to a different state was well interesting, I was definitely not about to hitchhike because it happened to be the early hours of the morning. So I decided the safest bet would be to walk as far as my legs could carry me and then work it out if I haven't got there by the time my legs die.

Walking past all the houses nearby, it honestly made me wonder what a normal family would be like and what I did to deserve all the trauma I had been put through. I'm hoping that I've done something in my past life that I'm being punished for in this life and that my parents genuinely had a reason for doing what they did but deep down I knew they didn't.

I knew I was just searching for excuses because deep down there's a little girl that just wants to be loved by a family that truly care about her. One day I hope I'm able to heal my inner child, maybe one day I'll be happy again.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking my chance and not attempting because so long as my parents are alive, I want to be dead. And they are very much still alive.

After a while of walking, I was getting tired. I know the nearest thing to my current location is a bus stop and as much as I don't want to take a bus in the early hours of the morning, I also don't want to hitchhike. Although I'm not really sure any buses come around at 3am, I mean I personally wouldn't want to be a bus driver if they do.

I went and sat on the bench near the bus stop, just to rest my legs and calm down for a little while. It's not like I'm in any rush to kill myself so I might as well enjoy my last few moments on this planet. I might as well make the most of the freedom I have.

Minutes turned to an hour and before I knew it, I needed to start going again. 4am means that people will get up soon to go to work and that they will not potentially be the nicest people ever and if there's one thing you need to know about me, I hate social interactions.

Standing up and walking down the roads towards the bridge, I began to overthink. The thoughts were flooding my head, I didn't want to be happy but that's only because I don't know what true happiness feels like. From the moment I could talk, I was abused whether it be physical, mental, emotional and sexual. All types of abuse occured throughout my childhood and it isn't something I'd ever chose to relive. It stole my happiness and most of all it stole the real Haven, the happy, bubbly Haven who wasn't scared of people and loud noises just Haven.

Finally after hours of walking, I saw my destination only a little more than a few streets away. I was so happy, my life was finally coming to an end and my happiness was just starting.

As I got closer, my whole domina changed. I instantly hunched over almost embarrassed of what I was about to do, my legs began to speed towards the bridge almost dragging my body behind me. Was I ready for this? Mentally, yes. Physically, no.

Footstep after footstep, breath after breath until I reached the railing of the bridge, there was a little ledge the other side that I had seen on photos before. My hands gripped onto the railings, my knuckles white for the sheer grip that I had.

I stepped over the railings, standing on the platform trying my hardest not to slip off before I was ready. Staring down at the usually glistening water, it seemed really murky tonight. It wasn't dull but it certainly wasn't sparkling. Watching the waves toss under me, I knew that if one of them went over my head, I'd be killed instantly.

"Come back over this side my love." I heard the most angelic voice say.