Safe Haven | Billie Eilish

8

"Haven, they've gone you're ok." I heard Billie say.

My hearing had slowly come back, at first it sounded like I was under water. Hearing Billie's voice was calming for me, it meant that I had come back to reality partially but also that I was safe.

I'm not sure why but for some reason I trust Billie, from the moment I met her on the bridge and we first looked each other in the eyes. Something clicked and I knew that I could trust her, I knew that she wouldn't hurt me.

"I'm going to hold your hand, it's only me that's going to touch you no one else." She told me.

The fact that she stayed so calm helped me, I waited till I felt the warmth of her hand on mine. She began to rub circles on my hand to help me come back to reality whilst slowing my heart down in the process.

"I'm going to move your hand onto my chest so you can feel my heartbeat." Billie told me.

I felt my hand lift up and Billie held it onto my chest, her hand stayed resting on top of mine.

"Haven, I need you to breathe with me." She instructed me.

Even time I felt her chest rise and fall, I took a breath along with her until my breathing had slowed down.

Slowly as time went on, I was able to see better. I could now see Billie's signature smile, I tried my hardest to smile back at her.

Although she'd never seen my smile, I wasn't too worried about the fact that she'd never seen me smile. It's a first because I'm so self conscious of my smile, it's not exactly the prettiest thing ever.

"You're ok, you're safe. Just focus on me until you're ready." Billie told me.

I looked deep into her eyes, the trust was rooted deep within them. I knew that she'd take care of me and look after me but I didn't want to seem like a baby. I mean I'm 14 years old and Billie's 18 so like the 4 year difference would make sense.

Finally after what felt like forever I calmed down completely, my episode was over. My trauma has completely ruined my inner child, little me still deserves an apology but she'll never get one because she had to grow up so quickly. In some ways I don't care but in others it's just sad.

"Sorry." I whispered at Billie.

She looked at me and smiled sympathetically.

"It's not your fault Haven. I didn't notice when you'd first gone quiet and I didn't realise my parents would come in right then." She told me.

I refuse to blame her though, I could never blame Billie for something my parents caused. If they hadn't have done all those things to me then maybe I'd be better.

"It's not your fault, if anything blame my parents." I told her not realising what I'd just said.

She just looked at me sympathetically without saying anything. I don't know why but it scares the living shit out of me.

"Do you mind if my parents come back in?" Billie asked me.

I shook my head slowly, I didn't want to meet them but I knew I couldn't put it off forever. I mean I am in their house in the day so it would be rude not to meet them.

Billie picked up her phone from next to her and started typing, once she was done she put her phone down.

From what I've heard these people seem like nice people and if anything I'm glad it was Billie who found me on the side of the bridge, it's been a mad 8 hours and here I am at Billie's house. The person who saved my life eventhough I didn't want it saving.

I think Billie sensed the increase in my nerves because she moved closer to me, almost so that she was next to me but she didn't say anything or touch me, she just left me there waiting next to her. I was grateful for that, it was a long night and I can't lie I'm extremely tired but due to insomnia I doubt I'll be sleeping for a while.

Especially given that I've left all my meds at home that keep me stable, aka this is going to a rollercoaster of emotions over the next few days and then I'll potentially end up in a deep depression and we'll I'll end up not a good place to say the least.

I don't think I've ever stopped taking my meds since I was on them, no I did once and it end very badly but I'll spare you the details of that. If anything I take them too much so going cold turkey by accident could end up being a very interesting experience.

I mean meds keep me stable and all but I've never stopped taking them for more than 3 days because I had to be put back on with a higher dose.

"Haven?" Billie asked.

I looked up not noticing that I'd zoned out in the process of thinking about my meds. I saw two older people standing at the door, they both looked at me and smiled a similar smile to Billie.

"Hi, I'm Maggie." The woman said stepping forward.

I didn't move, I was overwhelmed by the whole situation that I froze. I was scared that they weren't who they said they were eventhough I knew I was safe. My hands started to shake as I clawed at my my legs through my leggins. I think Billie noticed because she instantly came to my aid, she held both my hands and rubbed circles on the back of them to help try and avoid injury.