Safe Haven | Billie Eilish

6

One thing led to another and here I am walking back to Billie's house with her, she's told me a lot more about her and her family and somehow convinced me to go with her. They seem nice and it's not like she's kidnapping me, I mean I'm going with her willingly. I don't have anywhere else to go anyways so staying with Billie seems like the best option.

I on the other hand have stopped talking all together, I refuse to talk just a meer nod or shake of my head are my answers to everything now. I think my anxiety about meeting her family has kicked in and to say I'm scared would be an understatement which has caused me to stop talking.

It's not like I have the nicest family to base my experiences off, I also don't have any friends to base meeting their families off of and my family certainly wouldn't take me to see their friends because I'm too embarrassing and ugly so there's nothing I can do to know to impress them because I wouldn't know what to do.

Like will they like me, I mean I don't like myself so I wouldn't blame them if they didn't like me. I mean I'm only a 14 (nearly 15) year old girl and Billie's 18 so I can't even be classed as a friend of hers. That sounds like I'm crushing on her or something, I'm genuinely not. I've known her for 5 minutes, I just feel safe around her. I mean who wouldn't her whole personality is calming.

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It was only a short walk back to Billie's and by the time we got there, she still hadn't got me to speak. It was like I wasn't conscious to the fact that I had spoken to a stranger and then I woke up and realised. It's not like I wanted to speak to a complete stranger like your parents always tell you not to, so why I did I will never know.

By this time, it was around 8am. The world was now waking up for the day and that scared me more, my parents would be finding the notes and no one would know if I was alive or if I was dead but that was oddly satisfying. I was now technically a missing person eventhough I didn't want to be and technically I wasn't, no one would ever know. I'm not sure how or why that satisfied my cravings for love but it did.

Reaching Billie's front door was certainly an anxiety raiser, I tried to contain the internal panic attack that had started but it was too much. I was now officially entering the danger zone, if a panic attack started then it most likely going to trigger a full breakdown.

Billie put her key in the door and opened it, the house itself was quite but I was soon informed that Billie's parents were inside. Does Billie really want me to have a heart attack today? because she's certainly doing a very good job at raising my heart rate.

I think she sensed the change in my mood because she looked at me and gave me that reassuring smile that settles my anxiety instantly.

I walked inside her house, it had such sweet, cute interior. Not modern but not old, just some things with sentimental value. Just the kind of house I love, the kind of house with pictures of the family on the walls and baby pictures. Those sorts of things.

"Make yourself at home." Billie told me.

I just stood there awkwardly, I've never been in anyone elses house so I don't know what the normal things to do are. Like do I take my shoes off? Am I allowed to sit on people's couches? Is there anything I'm not supposed to do?

I've always been taught to never go in someone's house and that it's rude to sit on their couch because it takes up room. I've always been told that you have to take your shoes and socks off then wash your feet to remove any sort of dirtiness from you body and not take it into someone's house but then again I was told this by the same parents who waterboarded me and locked me in cupboards so I suppose they probably lied to me.

It wouldn't be the first time they've lied to me, when I was younger they used to tell me every month that a different family member had died just so they could see my reaction and mock me for it. Then they'd use it against me and tell me that they were grieving so I had to behave myself. Obviously 5 year old me had no clue what I'd done wrong and constantly blamed myself for making my parents be disappointed in me but it was all I'd ever known.

"Come and sit down Haven." Billie said from the couch, making her instructions clearer for me.

I've always hated being talked to like that because it always made me feel like I was a baby, I didn't understand any instructions unless they were simple so I can't exactly complain but I still am.

It isn't my fault, blame my parents for never treating their kids right and never caring enough about anyone else to bother that their kids were literally killing themselves inside whilst trying to make you happy and do no wrong by you.