Safe Haven | Billie Eilish

10

"What's wrong Haven?" Billie repeated.

She'd asked me the same question for the last few minutes, I still hadn't answered her because I was so fucking scared. I genuinely had no reason to be scared because I'm not scared of food. I guess I'm scared of people questioning why I'm not eating but I have a certain routine when it comes to eating.

When I eat, I have to wash my hands before I eat, I have to know what I'm being fed at least an hour before I'm fed it, I have to cut up each thing into small pieces or have a very small amount of food, I have to chew at least 14 times before swallowing and then drink a sip of water afterwards. Then afterwards I have to pee and then after that

I guess I've just got into the routine and for some reason not doing it for one day scares me. I'm not exactly sure why but I'll just pretend I'm fine right because that's what I do best and always have done.

"I'm good." I told her, complete lying to her face.

I mean I could tell by the shift in Billie's character that she didn't believe me but I wasn't about to tell her that I'm putting myself at risk, I mean what she doesn't know can't hurt her right?...

"Let go eat then." She said leading me through the hallway and into another room.

This room was a little smaller but still able to fit all of us in, I was instantly scared the moment my nose smelt food. Billie had already sat at the table and by now was in a zone of her own, eating her breakfast. From the looks of it, she wouldn't be happy if I disturbed her so I didn't. I just stood there kind of aimlessly, not really sure as to what to do.

"Go and sit down Haven, I'll bring you some food over." Maggie told me.

I just did as I was told, I didn't want her to get cross at me because who knows what would happen. I mean I highly doubt anything would happen but tell that to the traumatized inner child of mine that is scared of practically everything and everyone.

"Here you go love." Maggie said as she placed the bowl of food infront of me.

I need to stick to some kind of routine, so I'll try my hardest to cut up everything into bite sized pieces or have very small amounts of food which either way is easy enough. I mean all I'm eating it overnight oats so small amounts of food anyways.

I spooned out a little bit on the spoon, looking at the spoon it only filled up roughly 1/4 of the spoon but that's good enough for me. I place the food in my mouth and began to chew, counting everytime my teeth touched until I got to 14.

I didn't have a drink with my breakfast but I'm not complaining, I hate most things except water and even then I'll only drink if I have to which means I can go roughly a day and half before I need to drink again.

When I was back home, I had one friend who messaged me everyday to tell me to drink. I think that's how water got into my daily routine because before that I didn't really drink. I think I've been hospitalised roughly 3 times from dehydration. I wouldn't be able to keep track because my parents took me to multiple hospitals to hide my injuries at the time.

I mean I don't really in know very much different, when I was younger I never questioned it. I mean why would I? Hospital staff change all the time but I suppose they shouldn't change ever two weeks or less. I was just an absent minded child I guess.

I repeated the process multiple times to try and calm down the thoughts that constantly spiraled in my mind. I'm sure I'll be fine after a day but currently I'm really not fine. I just need someone to understand that, if I'm not fine then I tend to shut down. Almost like my body needs a month to relax and then it can start up again,  it's not the worst just a little annoying.

You know some times you just want to go out and be normal for once, I know I'm not normal but that's not why I wish I was.  I wish I was normal so I didn't have to pretend I was, pretending is so much effort and it's so tiring for me to pretend that I'm ok. I just want to be normal and life a normal life, not be filled with trauma.

I guess sometimes I just feel guilty for not letting younger me have the  life she deserved. When I was 3 I wanted to be a princess, when I was 5 I wanted to be a celebrity, and here I am at 14 physically wishing I was dead, throwing my life away because my parents told me I was worth nothing more than to be used.

I'm genuinely scared, scared that I've failed in life but how would I know. Who even cares? I doubt anyone genuinely does but I'll pretend they do until my next mental breakdown when I convince myself they don't.