Safe Haven | Billie Eilish

18

The next day came all too soon, I was honestly too scared to do anything. Today is the day, the day of the doctors appointment where I hopefully will find out what's happening to me, I'm hopefully but I honestly doubt that I'll get answers today.

My anxiety this morning had certainly been heightened and I have been really on edge, Billies worried about me but is trying not to show it, it's almost as if she knows that I will breakdown if one thing goes wrong today. I woke up thinking that I was going to be abused all over again but now, well now I'm just sat on Billie's bed bobbing my leg up and down for no reason whatsoever.

All morning I have been shaking, which isn't anything different from usual but I have also been avoiding food this morning just because i was so scared I'd throw it back up.

One thing is that I haven't had any weird episodes so far this morning, I nearly did when I was eating breakfast but I was lucky enough that the feeling passed. I mean let's be honest I don't think head butting my food wouldve been on my list of things to do today.

I suppose the one outcome I want from today's appointment is answers or some kind of progress in finding out what is wrong.

I mean my lifes changed in a matter of hours and now I'm completely alone, well apart from Billie and her family but like honestly I feel like a huge burden to them, like dont get me wrong it's not my fault I'm ill but I cant help but blame myself for what has happened. I mean it's my fault I ended up here with me trying to yeet myself off a bridge and all that but still, I just want to breakdown and go home.

Home? Home. I guess I dont have a home yet, the place I used to call home should honestly just be called trauma central at this point, I can't call it home because I don't feel safe there, there's no such thing as feeling safe once you've been abused. You're so used to being passed around and used, that safe isn't part of your vocabulary anymore.

Oh and I've kind of decided that given that I haven't got my meds with me, I think it's time to get off of them like completely, I really don't need them and if I'm being completely honest, I don't want to be reliant on meds for my whole life. That's not me being awkward, I honestly only had bad withdrawal symptoms yesterday and now I'm doing better but if I'm being honest, I'm doing fine mentally, I think they were lying to me about me needing them.

Anyway enough talk about my stupid meds, my anxiety this morning I swear just needs to go away at this point like honestly if I could click my fingers and it would just disappear then I would've done it a long time ago. I'm also tired today, I could sleep last because well I suppose it's not that hard to guess but yes, anxiety yet again. I was up checking the time constantly, my heart was beating so hard that I couldn't even breathe and I was in this constant fear that I would die in my sleep for some reason. I suppose that's just what trauma does to you though?

You know what though, I may not have been around Billie long but first impressions were good, I mean not many people save you from jumping off a cliff and then invite you into their house and take care of you whilst you're dealing with health issue whilst helping you sort them out, I mean not unless they're some kind of serial killer but that would be a weird kink.

I feel like I'm constantly changing the topic just to make sure that I'm not worrying about my appointment but the more I try and distract myself, the worse my anxiety gets and the worse my anxiety gets the more I psych myself out. I mean I think that you can already guess that by now, I mean especially if you're like me and you overthink absolutely everything you do and say and think and feel.

"Haven?" Billie called.

I looked up, not realising that I was picking at the sides of my arms, Billie was sat at her desk just looking at me with this sad, concerned look. I just stared back at her until she broke eye contact, I mean I didn't mean to make her uncomfortable but I'm just so nervous and scared of what things are going to be like at the doctors and quite frankly, I don't care if I push her away, I'd rather push her away because she doesn't know me, she doesn't know anything about me.

Imagine if I told Billie the whole truth, if I told her that then she would undoubtedly kick me out of her house and most likely call the police or some shit, I mean how am I suppose to know how she's going to react to something so scary and well odd I suppose.

"Haven?" Billie called.

What does she want now?

"Hmm?" I hummed back.

I could see her shift position slightly but this time her eyes never left my face, it was almost as if she was scared that if she took her eyes of me that I would disappear. I mean maybe it would be better if I did just disappear then maybe everything would go back to normal for her. I mean I'm not trying to sound like a pick me but I'd rather go back to being abused because I am so used to it that it's going to take a lot to get used to not being slapped in the face every morning to wake me up.

Maybe a slap in the face is what I need to get me back into reality, back to my old life and back to being able to go and kill myself without having the fear of upsetting one.