Safe Haven | Billie Eilish

19

"You see Haven, I think that there maybe be something wrong with your heart, it's probably just anxiety but I can book you in for an ECG if that would make you feel better." I heard the doctor say.

I didn't answer, I just let Billie's mum answer him, he was annoying me and scaring me so why would I answer him, also trauma. I don't think I realised just how much trauma plays a big part in my life, like I can't even breathe without my thoughts being clouded by some kind of trauma.

You know when doctors act like you're about 3 and they speak to you in such a degrading way and its just like leave me alone, I came here for help not for you to say I'm lying to you and certainly not for you to blame my fainting or whatever it is on anxiety.

Billie's hand had made it's way onto my knee, I think she could tell how nervous I was because well let's be honest it was very obvious and I wasn't trying to hide it.

Honestly I didnt come here for any reason other than her family being worried about me, like I get it but I don't at the same time. I dont see why anyone would be this kind to a random stranger off the street, what did I do to deserve this?

I just sat there for the whole appointment completely ignoring everything that was being said and everyone. I just can't be around negativity right now. I sure hope this journey is going to get easier because quite honestly I'm terrified for the future.

What if my parents find me? What if everyone turns against me? What if Billie's family hate me?

The appointment flew by and I was genuinely exhausted after it had finished, my head was all tingling and I could barely feel my hands but I didn't want to worry Billie so I didn't tell her anything, I just acted like nothing was wrong.

"Haven acting isn't your strong point." I heard Billie say whilst laughing.

I looked at her, well the blurry blob that she had become.

"I- I'm fine." I told her whilst slurring my words.

"And now you've said that I know you're not." She said.

We were only a few steps away from the car but I struggled with each step, my legs just kept being heavier.

Billie helped me to the floor before sitting next to me, she sat there next to me until it became too much. My chest was tight, I was sweating and my vision slowly faded out.

When I opened my eyes, there was still a slight blur in my vision, I couldn't hear properly but I found myself on Billie's shoulder. I lifted my head, however it felt like a brick.

"Careful Haven." I heard Billie said as she held my head up.

My vision slowly but surely came back to me and I coudlnt help laugh when I saw I was on the floor of the parking lot, it just made me burst into laughter for some reason. Billie joined in with the laughing, I dont know why but she just did and it honestly eased my anxiety a little.

"Why couldn't you have done that in the appointment?" I heard her joke.

See this is why I love Billie, I know I barely even know her but she literally just knows what to say and do at the right moment.

"Because my body doesn't like to be helpful." I told her, joking back.

Once I was ready, we got back up and went and got back into the car. I love the way Billie's mum's car smells, I'm not sure why, it just makes me feel safe I guess.

I just hope that this day eases even if its just slightly, I think these last few days have been such a blur to the point where I haven't had the chance to process what has happened.

You see thinking is my strong point, thinking is probably the one thing I could actually get a qualification in because I don't even have to try. I literally just thinking constantly and I'm not too sure whether it's a good thing or not, its certainly been useful but it's also got me in a lot of deep trouble.