Safe Haven | Billie Eilish

7

Billie and I haven't held a conversation since the bridge, Billie's trying to have conversations with me but it's just ending up with Billie holding a one sided conversation.

I'm still not talking to her and I think it's finally taking its toll on Billie. I knew it was only a matter of time before Billie got fed up of me but I didn't think that it would be so soon. I thought that we might actually have the chance to get to know eachother properly before I fuck up and she hated me but I guess not.

"Haven you know you don't have to anxious about meeting my parents or being in my house, take a deep breath in and let it out. No one here will hurt you, I don't know what happened in your own house but here, we don't judge and you're safe here." Billie told me calmly.

I wasn't expecting that so I didn't reply, instead the rings on my fingers suddenly became very interesting and I began playing with them refusing to look even in the direction of Billie.

"Are you nervous about meeting my parents?" She asked me.

I nodded still looking at my lap. I'll try and be open with Billie as much as I can but I can't guarantee that I'll talk to her a whole bunch.

"Have you ever been to someone else's house?" She asked.

Again a question I wasn't expecting. I shook my head still not looking up from my rings. I hate when people try and work out part of my life story, I understand that they want to help but I dislike my life story up to now and I don't want anyone to know about my past. My past stays in the past and my future is my future.

"You know that's ok right? It doesn't matter that you haven't. There's no need to be anxious, you trust me right?" Billie asked.

I nodded.

"Then trust me when I say that my parents love you. They don't care about your background, they'll just love you for you. If anything they'll love you like your their own." She told me.

I can admit that Billie did calm my nerves surrounding meeting her parents a little more than I thought she would. I mean they must love Billie otherwise I assume she wouldn't be so kind hearted and generous towards strangers so I hope they like me.

"Can I ask you a question? You don't have to answer me in an way if you feel uncomfortable with my question." She asked me.

I just nodded, I wasn't sure what question she was going to ask but I knew for sure she wouldn't get a spoken answer although a nod or shake of my head might happen.

"Is there a reason you stopped talking, like you were verbally responding for a while but now you just gesture your answer instead of speaking and I just wondered why. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." Billie questioned.

I mean she was bound to be curious at some point about why I wasn't speaking but I just didn't think it would be so soon. I mean I don't really understand why I shut down either usually it's a trauma response but Billie been nothing but kind to me and she certainly hasn't said anything that relates to my trauma so I'm not sure what's happening really.

I'm going to try and speak, at the moment just around Billie but now I need an excuse as to why I'm not talking because I don't know what to tell her, the truth or a lie.

"I- I. It's a trauma response." I told her.

This time I looked her straight in the eyes almost to show her that I wasn't lying and that she could trust me but also do that I could study the changes in her expressions. To my surprise there was no change in her expression, her face stayed calm and still. Maybe she was thinking or maybe she was just staying calm for my sake.

"I missed that voice." I heard Billie say.

I was almost with her but not, the picture infront of my eyes was frozen but Billie was still talking so was I zoned out or was I dying. Either way is good for me because bother of them give me an escape from reality.

I heard a door open, that completely sent me into a full blown panic attack except I was silent, most of my panic attack are internal so you'd never know something was going on. I think I've only ever had one panic attack that was visible to anyone and that was with my parents, that day I learnt to never show that I was having a panic attack or there would be consequences.

I was completely in my head and hearing voices didn't help, I heard Billie but I also heard another woman's voice. Yet again another angelic voice, so calming that almost sends you to sleep but I also heard a male voice, it was much deeper than the female but still I couldn't detect any anger or anything in his voice.

I wasn't coming back into reality and eventually I was clearly not paying enough attention because I couldn't hear what anyone was saying. I was just completely silent and sat on the couch, quietly sat waiting to calm down enough to come back to reality.

See this is why I'm so confused about why I stopped talking, this is what a usual trauma response was like for me but I'd be back after a few minutes. I've never just suddenly shut up and stopped talking on it's on especial with no trigger at all.