Hold You Down

Chapter Thirty Two | Heaven

Chapter Thirty Two x Heaven

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I fought for you

The hardest, it made me the strongest

So tell me your secrets

I just can't stand to see you leaving

But heaven couldn't wait for you

No heaven couldn't wait for you

Heaven couldn't wait for you

No heaven couldn't wait for you

So go on, go home - Beyonce

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Money

I just sat here, in this hospital room with my head in my hands. I hadn't said shit since I got here because I didn't have shit to say. I was fucked up right about now. My mind was all over the place, my emotions were stirred, and I was mentally out of it. Losing a child is something big, and it being both our first made it an even bigger deal to the both of us. I always said that I wasn't ready for a kid, but it's different when you're in the position to have one. I can tell you, this shit hurt worst than all these bullets I've ever taken.

I sat off to the side of the room, in a corner, while Essence laid on the bed. She was curled up into a ball with a pillow covering her face. It was now noon and neither of us had said anything to each other. I knew she was up by all the sniffling she had been doing over on the bed. When she first woke up, I was there to hold her, but she pushed me away. She wanted everyone to leave, including me, but I wouldn't dare leave her up her by herself to deal with this. It was my child just as well as hers and I'll be damned if I leave her side.

I wanted to be there for her the best way I could, but she pushed me away. I didn't want her beating herself up about it, but I knew she was. I didn't blame her entirely, but I did to a certain point. She shouldn't have went over to fight Danielle, but then again it still wasn't her fault. She didn't know she was pregnant, so it wasn't intentional for her to have a miscarriage. A part of me really wanted to kill Danielle ass just for the hell of it. She was apart of the reason too, even though Essence took it there and went to her house. This shit was just a lot on me, especially after just getting back together.

I opened my eyes and looked up at the all white room. I ran a hand down over my face and averted my gaze over to the bed where Essence laid. She was snuggled underneathe all of the hospital blankets with a pillow covering up her face, preventing me from seeing her. I'm almost positive that she's still crying and I can't blame her. I feel like I won't to cry too, but I refuse to let a fucking tear fall. That would be the death of me right now. It's been over 15 years since I last cried and I wasn't about to start now.

Essence was hurt bad. I didn't know if it was actually losing the baby or the thought of her being the reason she lost the baby that made her feel even worst. Essence fought Danielle and somehow Danielle got her and triggered this shit to happen. If I didn't care about Delila, Danielle would have been dead already. I was heartless true enough, but I didn't want my niece to grow up knowing that her uncle killed her mom. Even if we hid the fact, she was bound to find out, kids always do.

I got up from my chair and finally walked over to Essence. I decided to give it yet another try. I've been trying over and over, but she won't budge and I don't expect her to do so. This is harder on her than it is on me, and I understand that. Nah, actually I don't, but I'm trying to understand for her sake.