Hold You Down

Chapter Thirty Three | What is Love

Chapter Thirty Three x What is Love?

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What is love if you're not here with me?

What is love if it's not guaranteed?

What is love if it just ups and leaves?

What is love if you're not here no more?

What is love if you're not really sure?

What is love?

What is love? - Veronica Bozeman

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1 Month Later

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Essence

I dusted the dirt off of both my mother and my baby's grave with the small brush I'd bought before coming here. It's been an entire month since my child was buried and I haven't been out here since then, it hurt too much to do it. The day that my child was placed deep in dirt was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever been through, but I overcame that obstacle and continued to push forward. With Money by my side, God giving me strength, and the support from family and friends, I made it through that stage and I'm fine now. I don't go a day without thinking of my angel, but I know the Lord had a better purpose for them.

I still have my what if moments where I think about what could've been if the baby was still inside of me, but I try my best not to do so. If it was meant for me, it would be mine right  about now. I guess I wasn't ready for a child and God knew that, so he called his angel home before their arrival. He does everything for a reason and he makes no mistake. I've accepted that and I can finally go without crying every hour of every day. It took me a while, but I came through it. Just like Money had said to me a month ago, we would get this it together, and that we did.

I took the old flowers out of the vase that sat on my mom's grave and replaced them with a dozen of red roses. I then went on to take the others out from my child's grave and put white roses inside of the vase that was made onto the headstone. Once I had cleaned everything up around their space, I stood up and looked at my work. I smiled weakly at the neat little arrangement I'd made with balloons and flowers for my two loves. Their graves were the only ones that seemed to be cared about around here. Everyone else's were so dull and dead.

"I love you mom and my little angel." I whispered into the air and blew a kiss to their graves before walking back over to my car. I was content with talking to them this way, because deep down I knew they could hear me somewhere way up in heaven. They weren't here with me physically, but I felt them wrapped around me in spirit and I was fine with that. Some day, hopefully we'll be able to meet at the gates of heaven and I'll be able to reunite with my mother and finally be able to meet my daughter or son.

I started my car and pulled off from the gravesite and back onto the road. I was already late enough as it is, so I stepped on the gas a little more, raising the meter. I was supposed to be at Ms. Nyla's birthday dinner almost 20 minutes ago, but I had to come here and see the two of them first. It has been a while, and today was the perfect day to visit them. I was in a great mood, so why not?

I picked up my phone and seen all of the missed calls and texts that I'd gotten from Money. I sighed as I pressed call on my phone and decided to hit him back to tell him that I was on the way to where he was. He has been keeping tabs with my every move and constantly checking on me since I lost the baby a month ago. When I do the most simpliest frown, he atomatically thinks something is wrong with me. I've been enjoying the treatment though, so I wasn't complaining about it.