Light Up The Sky

Chapter 31

"I realized it too late. I acted too late. I didn't save him, Vivienne. I was fucking too late."

He was.

He was really late.

He already had a hint about what was going on with Kuya Hans yet he didn't do anything. 

While I was listening to him earlier, I couldn't help but feel mad. Because how... why did my Kuya go through that? The physical damage, the emotional destruction, the trauma he had... he never deserved all of that.

Ano ba'ng ginawa niya sa kanila para abusuhin nila ang Kuya ko? Bakit nila ginawa 'yon? Ano ang karapatan nila para gawin 'yon? Kuya Hans just wanted to be friends with them! He just wanted to feel seen and heard! Kung ayaw nilang kaibiganin ang Kuya ko, e 'di sana kinompronta nila! Not bully him! Not to hurt him!

I feel infuriated. But who am I to feel that? I also managed to hurt Kuya Hans. I gave him pain the moment I told him to die! So what makes me different from them? What right do I have to be angry with them? What right do I have to feel mad at Liam? What right do I have to question what he did?

I averted my gaze as I saw Liam stealthily wipe his tears. He looks so vulnerable. He looks so fragile. And it breaks me. It makes me weak to see him and watch him like this, right now, in front of me. I couldn't help but cry, too.

"I'm sorry," he whispered as he clasped my hand to him and kissed the back of it. "I'm sorry, love."

"Your sorrys cannot bring him back, Liam."

I sound so cold and heartless that it made him stop for a little while. Tumitig siya sa kaliwang mata ko, tapos ay sa kanan. It took forever before he bowed his head and looked at our intertwined hands. He didn't talk after that. He was silent while pinching our hands.

"Even if you say sorry to me every day, it still wouldn't be enough."

When he looks my way again, I can see he's one more blow away from breaking down. Masasakit 'yung mga salitang binibitawan ko pero 'yon ang totoo. Kahit ano'ng pagpapaumanhin ang gawin niya, hindi kailanman maibabalik no'n ang kuya ko. And it's the same thing for me. Kahit ilang beses akong umiyak, kahit ilang beses akong ma-guilty, kahit ilang beses kong sisihin ang sarili ko, hinding-hindi ko maibabalik 'yung mom niya.

Ramdam ko ang pagtulo ng luha mula sa mga mata ko nang pinilit ko ang sarili kong tumitig sa asul niyang mga mata kahit nasasaktan ako. Nasasaktan ako kasi nasasaktan siya. Nasasaktan ako kasi sinasaktan ko siya.

"We both did something that can never be mended by apologies. You are... You are hurting me right now, Liam..." I whispered as I felt how he tightened his hold on my hand. "And I know that I am also always hurting you..."

"Vivienne..."

"I feel guilty all the time because it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel right that I am here and your mom is not. But no matter what I feel, regardless of how painful it is, it still wouldn't be enough, Liam. My apologies... my tears... they can't bring your mother back..."

The way he looks at me right now makes my heart break. The way he tightened his hold on my hand made me weak. But all of that was true. As soon as I learned that he knew about Kuya Hans situation and did nothing, I felt mad at him. I am angry. That's why I know, even if he wouldn't say it to me, that he feels mad at me, too. For doing nothing to help his mom who was fighting for her life that night. I know that he's angry at me but he's not showing it because he loves me.

And I do love him, too.

I really do love him.

Kaya ayokong masira kami ng galit na nararamdaman namin. I don't want to reach the point where what we only feel for each other is pure hatred because we neglected to solve the anger we feel now. Kasi itong galit na 'to, posibleng lumaki at lumalim. Kasi hindi naman kung sino lang ang nawala sa amin. They're the most valued persons in our lives. They're the ones who we treasured the most.