Shifted

22. Josalena

Sebastián was a chatter box but unfortunately most of what he talked about had no true purpose to what I wanted to hear. And the dinner felt more of a brag of "look at my house and all my nice things" and "look at how many halfbreeds I have who work for me and who behave" type of thing. I barely choked down my rage and contempt all throughout the whole event.
And now, days later, I felt I hadn't gotten anywhere at all.
So at breakfast I made an announcement to my father. "I'm thinking it's about time I keep an eye out for a potential husband," I managed to force the words out before taking a bit of toast as the General raised his head to look at me, his thick eyebrow raised. He stared at me for a moment and then gave me a knowing look.
"Did you hit it off that well with Sebastian?" He smirked as my stomach churned and I silently begged it to not go weak on me now.
"Oh no, not him," I shrugged. "I was just thinking it's about that time, I know what I want out of life now and feel Im an adult and as such, shouldn't live with my daddy forever."
He nodded, "good, I'm glad." He stood up and rounded the table and my heart nearly beat out of my chest in fear that he was about to slap me out of my chair. I even flinched a little when he raised his arms, but he didn't notice as he pulled me up into an embrace.
"You are all grown up now, aren't you?" He kissed the top of my head as he squeezed me to him.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you!
I smiled tightly up at him as he released me. "Very well," he said. "I'll put out the word and plan a few get togethers and dinners. Maybe outings with others. I know Councilman Victor's twin sons were looking-"
"Great!" I interrupted his excited chatter. Of course he was going to try to push me off on to the wealthiest and any and every council member with a son or not, any way to gain power. And that's exactly what I wanted. Those in the inner circle were the only ones I wanted to go on dates with and have dinner parties with and figure out once and for all how to help the shifted become actual members of society. It was all because of the council that they weren't. The Council ran everything and made the main laws. They were the law. So either they would change or I'd figure a way to kill them and their whole families if I must.
If that made me the bad guy, if that made me evil; then so be it. I was tired of sitting around with my head in the clouds. With high morals and a sense of right and wrong.
Meanwhile a group of people were responsible for treating a mass amount of people like slaves and livestock simply because they looked different.
"Also, can I tag along with you again on patrol today? I need to stretch my legs and keep a reminder of what filthy animals those halfbreeds are. Can you believe they allow their young to fend for themselves and will risk death to rut among trash?" I threw out lines I've heard around others and hoped I wasn't being obvious. Picking up the knife beside my plate, I started to cut into and push around the fried steak around in the gravy. Pretending to eat it. Making it look touched by cutting it into small pieces. Ever since what happened to Lilac. What I couldn't stop, I felt repulsed by meat. Maybe Kalaya was into something back when she disgustingly threw that piece of fish away from her.
It made me wonder if it was wrong too, to own and eat animals. After all, they breathed, felt pain, had families. The only difference was in intelligence and the ability to communicate properly with us. And they didn't give us humans the right to enslave and slaughter them as we pleased.
The general looked pleased and he agreed with a snort. "Im glad you see that now. They shouldn't have ever been able to learn our language, they use it to poison our youth into believing they are humans with extra parts," he chuckled and I saw red for a moment and had to take a few deep breaths to calm down.
Something in my lap felt wet and as I looked down I realized I had clenched my hand around the knife I had been holding in the other hand. I hadn't even realized.
"Eat up, you need to be healthy and strong," the general noticed I had stopped eating. Or well I had stopped pretending.
Shutting down my thoughts and emotions, I smiled at him, tucked the knife under a cloth and kept my bleeding hand in my lap as I put on my show of pretending to take a bit and of pushing around my food while eating bites of the sides and talking to distract my father from peering too carefully at me.
"You eat like a bird," the general commented when the new maid came and took away our plates.
I felt a twang of guilt as I knew she would scrap the remaining food in the trash. Food that could have went to my old friends in the basement. I hadn't seen any new shifted brought in and wondered if my Father simply forgot about those in the basement.
And then I started to sweat. I hadn't checked on them in a long time. They could all be dead, for all I knew. I mean the usual guards came and went throughout the day, which meant they had to be throwing water and bread down and patrolling, right?
Maybe I'll peek later tonight: but I couldn't risk it during the day. I couldn't risk being caught down there, at all, or my father would suspect me.
He used to always suspect me and see right through me. But he truly believes he has gotten thru to me after Lilac. And I didn't want her death to be in vain.
So even though I promised myself to check on the shifted in the basement, I knew I wouldn't if I felt I would get caught.
As much as I cared for their well-being. I could no longer think small. I could no longer help anyone at all. Until I was in a position to.
Unless it was Kalaya. She was always the exception in my mind. Anytime I thought of not helping her or her in trouble, it choked me. I felt dead inside ever since I got Lilac killed and Kalaya was the only one who made me feel alive again.
My heart raced as we set off toward the gate separating my people from hers.