The Love That Destroyed Us

CHAPTER 21

On that night, where and what was wrong? Why did I have to experience the same pain with him?

Was my love for him not enough?

Or was it my faith?

Nagising ako sa sinag ng araw na tumata sa aking balat. Amoy na amoy ko ang adobo. I woke up with no one beside me. I yawned as I stood up. I took a hot shower and after that, I walked naked towards the mirror.

Mapupula ang aking labi dahil sa mainit na tubig. I stared at my own relfection.

This is not me.

This is not the woman I wanted to be.

I started putting concealer on my wounds. Ang sakit pa rin ng pisngi kong nasampal kagabi.

I chuckled.

This isn't how it's supposed to be.  I never wanted to experience what my mother experienced from my father. I promised myself that I'd leave a man if he hurt me even once.

But I didn't leave. I stayed and defended him, justifying what happened. I keep reminding myself that he's not going to be like my father.

And now here I am, with wounds and bruises at the hands of the man who promised to love me.

I should leave him.

Kasi ako si Iris eh.

Kilala ko ang sarili ko.

Alam kong aalis na aalis ako kung sakaling nangyari 'to.

Pero hindi.

Kabaligtaran ang ginawa ko.

At pakiramdam ko ibang iba na ako.

Hindi na ako ang dating ako.

I plastered a smile before I went to the kitchen.

I saw him preparing the foods. He was wearing a plain white tshirt and a boxers. Kakatapos lang niyang magluto.

He walked towards me and planted a kiss on my forehead.

Like nothing happened.

Like he didn't hurt me.

"Morning," paos niyang sabi.

I smiled and greeted him to. Inangat niya ako sa stool at nagsimula kaming kumain.He keeps glancing at me from time to time but I didn't pay attention to me. I just focused in eating.

After we ate, I left him to do the dishes.

Naupo ako sa sofa at binuksan ang television. I browse, deciding what movie should I watch.

I heard the sound of his footsteps. Tumabi siya sa akin at umakbay. Hinayaan ko lamang siya at sinimulang manood.

He's just playing with my hair the whole time. Kung minsan naman ay paglalaruan niya ang aking kamay. Pansin kong gusto niyang magsalita pero pinipigilan niya ang kaniyang sarili.

"Iris," he called me as soon as the movie ended.

"Hmm?" I yawned.

"Are..we good?" he asked worriedly.

He was holding my hand, drawing small circles on my palm.

"Of course.." I said.

He smiled. "I love you.."

But you don't hurt the one you love.

I wanted to tell him that.

Yohan left after that because of some emergency. Naiwan lang akong nakatulala.

Nagtatalo ang isip ko kung ano ba ang kailangan kong gawin. Bumukas ang pintuan at iniluwa nito ang kapatid ko. She's smiling widely, ready to tell a good news.

Lumingon ako sa kaniya, agad niyang napansin ang pamumula ng aking pinsgi.

Her smiled faded.

Patakbo siya pumunta sa akin. She sat beside me and scanned my whole face. I just smiled weakly.

"Did he do this?" she gritted her teeth with anger.

"Hindi naman niya sinasadya. Nadala lang siya. Kasalanan ko rin naman."

I don't know why I suddenly sounded so defensive.

"Ate, where's the strong Maureen Iris that I knew?" a tear fell from her eyes.

I shook my head.

"Ayos lang talaga ako. Hindi niya sinasadyang mang–"

"T–ngina naman!" I was startled when she shouted. "Bakit mo ba patuloy na ipinagtatanggol ang lalakeng iyan?" she asked angrily.

"Leave him, ate. Get medical records and sue him–"

Paulit-ulit akong umiiling.

"Huwag. P-please? Wala siyang kasalanan. Please don't tell anyone. Just turn a blind eye, okay?" I sounded so desperate that I suddenly remembered a person in me.

My mother.

My mother used to be like this.

She would always ask me to turn a blind eye and keep my mouth shut. And I would look at her with disgust.

But now, I am slowly turning to be the person I am disgusted with.

She cried in my arms. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang sakit at galit niya.

But I couldn't do anything.

Saktong umalis siya ay saka bumalik si Yohan.Niyaya niya akong lumabas.

Pansin kong palagi niya akong yayayaing lumabas kapag sinasaktan niya ako.Sumakay kami sa sasakyan niya at nagpunta sa Tagaytay. Ang sabi niya, masarap daw doon ang bulalo.

Nagsasabi nga siya ng totoo. Ang dami naming kinain doon.

Yohan was telling me his future plans after we got married. I tried my best to respond and smile.

"Then, gagawa ulit ako ng bagong bahay para may kwarto 'yung mga anak natin," he added.

I smiled as I stared at his happy face. Nasa loob kami ng sasakyan.

"Ilan ba ang gusto mong anak?" I asked, remembering my baby. I unconsciously held it.

He wiggled his eyebrow. "Gusto ko sana isang babae tapos isang lalake. 'Yung mga anak natin, kamukha mo pero dapat kaugali ko," he chuckled.

Mahina rin akong tumawa.

He even suggested to get us married the next month but I refused. I told him we should stick in the plan. Wala rin siyang nagawa kundi tumango.

He was so excited to build a family with me. BUt he didn't consider how I felt.

Days passed, he became worse. 

"You whore!" Sinabunutan niya ang buhok ko. Sobrang lakas niya, sumasakit na ang anit ko.

Then, he pushed me harshly, causing me to fall on the floor.

Kapag na lilate ako pag-uwi, aakusahin niya akong may kasamang lalake. And it would end us fighthing. And at the end, he'll hurt me. Not only physically but verbally.

And after he realized what happened, he'd apologized and I'd forgive him again. It was like a cycle.

He knew what he was doing and he knew it would hurt me, but somehow, that didn't stop him.