The Love That Destroyed Us

CHAPTER 25

Hindi ako makasabay.

Hindi ako makasabay sa pagtakbo ng oras. Hindi ito tumitigil para kanino.

Sinusubukan kong makahabol pero palagi akong nabibigo. Palagi akong naiiwan. Na para bang wala akong karapatang umusad.

Hindi ako makausad.

Kapag iniisip kong maayos na ako, babalik na naman siya sa aking alalaala. And I would be back to zero again.

Na para bang pinapamukha sa aking hindi ko dapat siya kalimutan.

What did I do wrong to deserve this?

"How are you feeling?" panimula ng psychiatrist sa harapan ko.

I was just staring blankly at the pillow I'm holding. One week after Maura talked to me about geeting a psychiatrist,  I finally agreed.

I wanted to heal. Gusto kong makalimot.

"Hell," I answered. "I feel like hell."

Uminom ako ng tubig na nakapatong sa kaniyang lamesa.

"Do you want to talk about yourself?" mahinahon niyang tanong.

"No," I said.

"Then, do you want to talk about him?" she asked. Marahil ay sinabi na nila Maura sa kaniya ang aking kondisyon.

I slowly nodded.

She smiled. She handed me the stress balls and I accepted it.

"How was he? How would you describe him?" panimula niya.

I bit my lower lip as I remembered him and it f-cking hurts. Just remembering him hurts.

"He's good. He's persistent.  Kung anong gusto niya, ginagawa niya ang lahat para makuha niya. He loved and cared me a lot."

He was both good and bad. His love for me was both good and bad, Yohand and his love were complicated. 

Ang sakit naman niyang magmahal.

Huminga ako nang malalim habang inaalala ang mag pinagdaanan namin ni Yohan.

"Noong una, wala akong interes sa kaniya. Asar na asar ako sa kaniya pero palagi pa rin siyang lumalapit sa akin. Kahit sinusungitan ko siya, kinakausap niya pa rin ako."

Dr. Luna started taking down notes.

"Sa kaniya ko ipinakita ang kahinaan ko. Palagi siyang nandiyan kapag umiiyak ako...kapag may problema ako. He was always there for me. When I cried, he was there to comfort me. When I lost an imprortant case, he was there for me. He was always there."

Nakakapanibago.

Nakakapanibagong wala na siya sa tabi ko.

Wala nang gigising sa akin tuwing umaga upang ipaalala na may kaso ako. Wala nang magpapaalala na kumain na ako. Wala nang magluluto ng pagkain ko.

Wala nang yayakap sa akin kapag nahihirapan na ako. Wala nang papasok sa opisina ko at kukulitin ako.

Wala na siya.

"Naging mabilis ang lahat. Naging kami sa maikling panahon. Maybe because I knew how good he was? He loved me the most. He cared for me. Palagi niya akong inaaalala. Palagi niya akong inaalagaan na hindi ko namamalayang dumedepende na ako sa kaniya.."

"What about your feelings for him?" she asked.

"I've learned to love him back. Hindi naman siya mahirap mahalin, eh," I asnwered. "It was so good to love him and it hurts. "

Dr. Luna smiled. "Seemed like you really did love each other."

I sighed. "We really do. I thought we were a match made in heaven. Pareho kami ng sitwasyon. Pareho kaming lumaki sa mapang-abusong ama. He told me how he suffered and I told him to. We opened up to each other. He clearly knew that I'm afraid to experience that again.."

Dr. Luna waited for me to continue.

"Until one day, he did it. He did what I hated the most. Noong una, natulak lang niya ako nang hindi sinasadya. I forgave him, pero nasundan na naman. Until he slapped me," I sobbed. "It was almost everyday."

"I even lost our baby."

"He.." I cried. "He sexually assaulted me. That was what broke me the most. Kasi paano niya nagawa iyon? He clearly told me that he loves me, he promised me but still, in the end..he hurt me."

I cried harder. Hinayaan niya lang akong umiyak nang umiyak hanggang sa mapagod ako.

"Paulit-ulit ķo syang pinapatawad pero paulit-ulit niya rin iyong ginagawa."

"But do you regret meeting him?" she asked.

I shook my head.

"Kahit gaano kasakit, hindi ko pinagsisihan na nakilala ko siya. Kasi..kasi siya lang ang nagpasaya sa akin,eh. Sa kaniya ko natutunan kung paano magmahal, kung paano magtiwala, kung paano masaktan."

"I want to move on becuase it f–cking hurts. Pero hindi ko kaya. Natatakot ako. Ayoko siyang kalimutan. He was still the best that ever happened to me."

Dr. Luna smiled. "But moving on doesn't mean forgetting someone."

In our next session, Dr. Luna asked me to name the things and persons that I love.

"Yohan," he was the one who entered my mind first.

"Maura," I said.

Katahimikan ang bumalot sa paligid.

She smiled.

"How long would it take for you to name yourself?" nagulat ako sa tanong niya.

Itinuro niya ako.

"You were once a fierce woman. I saw your interviews and how you fought in the court. And now, you're destroyed. Hahayaan mo lang bang maging gan'yan ka?" she asked.

"I believe in you, Maureen. Ang katotohanang ipinakulong mo siya ang nagpapatunay kung gaano ka katapang."

She smiled. "I'm so proud of you. I hope that you'll start moving on. Remember, moving on doesn't mean you have to forget him," she reminded.

Yohan..He was between good and bad. He loved me. He took care of me. But he also destroyed me. I knew that he love me, but his love was complicated.

He loved me but he didn't love me the right way.