Ancient's Smashing Reviews

They Think He's Dead by @CyberLoveza

This story is extremely short. Not only are there only 11 chapters plus an author's note, but each chapter is extremely short ranging anywhere between 200 words and 500 words seemingly. This is not a lot to go on. While it is ongoing, it hasn't been updated in over 5 months, so is the author actually working on it? I can't tell. Between how short it is in word count and how long it has been since anything was put into it, tells me there hasn't been put really any time into it, makes me think this isn't a serious story by any stretch of the imagination, and I'm left wondering why the author actually wants a review.

Whatever. People want a review. If it helps, great. If it doesn't, I'm choosing to waste my time on that chance it might.

TLDR; A couple of um... (Friends? Lovers?) guys scam people into thinking someone else is dead so they can get money out of it.

Plot - What! The! Hell?! - The plot immediately has red flags both in its idea and its execution. The idea on a basic level is "lets commit fraud", which isn't a bad idea. However the problem come in all the details to follow that as commiting fraud is an intellectual exercise that would force the story to be analytical similar to Oceans 11 but in regards to legal processes and general deception. Or it could ignore that and focus on comedic elements as the deception fools people in less analytical court proceedings and more tomfoolery. However, from the very start when the idea is presented you have two characters that are lazy, not exactly what I would call prodegies at any skill or ability except poetry and cooking eggs, and are completely ignorant of who they would have to fool and how to go about doing it. And they proceed anyway. Making of a comedy? Not really, there is nothing comedic. Ever. There is no time spent planning it out, or figuring out what they would have to do or who they would have to do it to.  Then to make it even more lazy of an approach, they can't even be bothered to commit to it, neither when they start, nor when they discuss whether to begin or not. The dialogue is so ambigious I was asking myself "are they joking or going through with it? I can't tell. They are both so damn lazy about it and uncommitted." Then five seconds after I finally realize they are actually going through with it, they spend every paragraph second-guessing themselves and their commitment to the cause of frauding people. Then to make it go from lazy to straight up absurd, here is how it is done as an outline:

1. they are living with daddy. 2. they openly love daddy. 3. daddy goes off on cruise. 4. someone tells them daddy is dead. 5. they are openly upset that daddy they love is dead and there is much sad and its genuine. 6. daddy calls and reports he is okay. 7. they decide to fraud daddy of his wealth by commiting fraud and claiming he died.

The number of ways this is rediculas is mind boggling. 1. why fraud someone you just spent half the day mourning? I can't tell if the main characters are psychopaths, sociopaths, bipolar, or 12 year old girls. Where are they getting the balls to do this?? This is more rediculas than when Ben killed Han in star wars, much to my own amazement because I didn't think that was possible. 2. The plan is to fraud people by taking your inheritance. However this is Grade-A Stupid. You aren't taking their money. You aren't taking money from the insurance company because you are still using that on the funeral! You aren't taking money from the business. You aren't even taking Dads money. You are taking YOUR OWN money. Thats how inheritance works when you can't be bothered to update Daddy's will to send all of it to you but leave it as is. The only possible and conceivable way this idea could turn into anything that isn't mindnumbingly dumb is if the inheritance is to become president of the company, but even that is just stupid, as I will explain shortly.  3. You could have just gone to Dad without any of this nonsense and said "yo dad, we want to start a business/get a home. Can we have our inheritance early to jumpstart things?" Which is a legal thing that can be done. 4. If the inheritance is a position in the company, like being president, then yes it would be bad to do early and so a story can be built from that. However, daddy is gone for only two weeks, on vacation, and is super rich as leading a business. He would be using the business credit card. He hasn't changed his phone number. He is still at the hotel or cruise line or whatever it is. So any lawyer or legal team with intelligence higher than a sea cucumber would be calling the cruise line or hotel to verify his death as soon as the news appeared. Then even in the rediculas case that he has gone completely off the grid he is still returning in only two weeks. The position of president would instantly be shifted back to him by lawyers and government supervisory angencies and the board of directors and investors. That isn't enough time to solidify your position, that isn't enough time to have the funeral, that isn't even enough time to book an appointment with the lawyers to meet the lawyers to begin the process of claiming your own inheritance, much less claiming it. Esspecially when the main characters spend the first 3-4 days doing absolutely nothing but laying in a bed talking abuot the weather.

I'm not done yet. Oh no. The story had its appeal. It started off as a cute slice-of-life. Then it continued as a slice-of-life while at the same time trying to make an idea of high-stakes, fast-paced intellectual thriller... from the comfort of their bed talking about nothing of value. For chapter after chapter. It tries to get a bit 'thrill'ish by having people show up to mourn Daddy after they heard the initial news (because apparently someone, whether daddy or his company, is too stupid to let more people know because the main character) but this only goes so far as to say 'yeah this person exists.'

If it was trying to go for slice-of-life then it doesnt need much, but it still needed them to do more than lay in bed talking about eggs or "yeah dad really liked books" for 11 chapters. And it would also need to get rid of its actual plot that diverts away from slice-of-life.

If it was trying to be an intellectual thriller than it kinda requires characters capable of intellegence or thrill.

I'm sorry but this is a bad idea told poorly.

World Building - Supposedly Steampunk? - The world is supposed to be steampunk-ish. There are a few pictures ripped off google in the authors notes to get a general vibe, and some guys wear tophats. Beyond that there is nothing. I'm not sure what I am supposed to work with here. The story is very short so if the author ever gets around to working on it again, hopefully we can have the world building fleshed out?

Grammar and Word Usage - semi-Smashing! - The grammar and word usage was very nice. It was easy to read. You have a real sense that the author is having fun with it and playing around because words are invented that are cute and add flavor while having good clarity as to what the author means.

Main Characters - Sigh... - They are basically dumb and dumber. I learned nothing about them beyond how lazy they are, one likes to write poetry (though we dont get any of it nor him actively writing any), one likes to cook extremely basic things, they have a bit of a shock on hearing dad died, their lazy in commiting to anything after learning dad was alive, um... yeah.  One likes to call the other 'Honey' far too much despite the internal monolgue calling each other friend at every chance and they want to move in together and move out of daddy's house. I am all for the idea of them wanting to move out of daddy's house and start a life together, that would be an interesting story. However they are too uncommited to be a romance, too lazy to be a slice-of-life, too unintelligent to be an intellectual story and too uncommited to be a thriller... Basically they exist in the background of their own story.

I am not joking when I say I am sitting here laughing even as I write this because I don't know what I just read. What even is this?

Side Characters - ??? - There were side characters? Oh right there was daddy. For all of one scene. It was a nice scene with good chemistry. Half-way decent start scene. Then later you got two random people who... um. Exist? Yeah thats about all I can say about them. They exist.

Overall I'd rate it as 1 smashing out of 5. I don't see any potential. I'm sure the author can write well, if the writing style itself is any clue, but not this story. Burn it. Start over. There is nothing I can think of that can fix this without basically just starting over.

If you are interested in learning to write, mastering the craft, want some really good reads, or just to chat and hang out with a mature group of adults, feel free to hit me up for a smashing discord book club that has lasted years.