Ancient's Smashing Reviews

Magpie Black by @copyedit

Magpie Black is a very short story so far, but promises to continue.

TLDR; Couple of Harry Potter delinquents kidnap ET.

So the plot is basically as follows. A couple of kids from a magic school of different fantasy races goes to a ruins and they find a monster. Rather than kill it, they spare it, and basically kidnap it. The monster is important for reasons that the story will probably get into later, but one big deal about the monster is that it remembers its birth and it had a vision of its death. Don't know how or why that is important but whatever.

Positive:

Its a very simple story idea so far that I like a lot. The idea is promising.

This is their first true outing as Slayers, which is cute. And they seem to be children. I'm guessing 12 from their behavior. If they are disobeying regulations and rules doing Slayer stuff or archaeology at their age or in private/dangerous places then that needs to be leaned into more, but has really interesting potential for character.

They have cultural tidbits that are interesting.

The descriptions of the environment are good. Could be improved, but is good.

World building in regards to races and nations is nice. It gives information, just enough for the context of what is relevant, and uses a hint of imagination and originality that is refreshing instead of "yeah this is elf from elfville and that is dwarf from dwarfvahn and their names are elf and dwarf and they dont like each other because stupid". It seems to take into mind relations between different groups and perspectives as a part of their history. Most of it is left to the imagination and you mostly just get a sense the world is a large one but this hint never becomes so large as to override the rest of the story.

Neural:

Idea of Slayer sorcery is interesting, but I am not clear what the difference is between Slayer sorcery and normal sorcery. It supposedly feeds on their own stamina or adrenaline but it also draws on on outside auras from the forest and ruins. So um... what makes it special? It just seems to contradict itself with every new bit of information. Its not bad, yet, but the contradictions keep the world building concept of their magic from actually being a positive thing.

The action sequences are juicy but could use a faster pace. So much time is spent on non-action words, descriptions, thinking, and behind-the-scenes details that it feels very much like playing a turn-based RPG. Like Pokemon.

Bad:

Decision making seems random. Information that leads to their decisions is not given clearly enough to follow their train of thought. There is no sense of tone shift nor transition that gives a clear "decision is made and now we go this direction". Despite them making a clear choice to explore a ruins, the story has a tone that screams "story is happening to the characters" instead of the characters happening to the story. In addition there are no values given and no flaws to bring future conflict. It is basically "people are at the wrong place at the wrong time because no reason and something happens." The end result is that they have little agency and there is nothing to support as readers or cheer for.

The characters all feel the same. Can't tell the difference between them. Not much personality. I think they like to explore and are adventurous, and I think one of them is supposed to be the clear leader that brings them into trouble the most, but none of this personality is shown nor utilized or has results outside of Johanna dragging them into trouble-that-never-brings-trouble and never takes advantage of what differences they are supposed to be having. The characterization is basically "here is main character and a lot of sheep that go BAAAAAAAAAAAAAH".

You refer to the monsters picked up in the plural and singular sense repeatedly and sometimes at the same time, while also having no context and having 70-700 'they' in a single chapter. This is very confusing. The worst of it was chapter 3, though every chapter does it. I was more confused after the chapter then before. Actually that applies to all of them, I was generally just more confused the more I read. I had no idea what a single sentence actually said, even after reading chapter three 3x. This constant shifting keeps me from knowing if our merry band is referring to the group of monsters that might be hunting them in the whole ruins or the forest or the single/group monster they pulled out of some puddle or it could be themselves or her arms after she was exposed or their belongings or their grades or whatever the hell we are referring to because frankly I can't tell, ever. This keeps any conversation from ever making even a lick of sense because there are 15-17 "they" you could apply any sentence to, at the same time. There is no context, and we apparently are making a choice of mixing singular and plural as well. Please keep it straight. Either their (the merry band) newly acquired friend is a single entity or it is multiple. If the idea is 'this thing has no biological sex because it has no genitalia' then use a word that isn't purposefully confusing. And for pete's sake offer a HINT of context to the conversation and not go jumping from Andaaron to Narnia with each quote.

For some reason the group decides to do something about their newly acquired friend and this decision completely disappears, along with the monster, as they go to school and a whole new plotline starts. This gave me whiplash and was quite confusing. There was no follow up. No transition. No explanation. The plotline evaporated in mid-air like smoke. Then, out of nowhere, with no explanation, we have the monster in her arms again. I was just... what?!!?!? Had they left that thing there this whole time and decided to go back for it as if expecting a newborn something-whatever to survive a week exposed to the elements? Can this monster teleport in and out of dimensions in her arms at will? What is happening?!!?!? What decision making, what motivation, what value, or ANYTHING even went into sparing it?!

The paragraphs combine a lot of different thoughts, ideas, actions, and descriptions all in the same paragraph, at the same time. This is a whole new level of confusion on its own.

Overall I'd rate it, at its current standing as a beginning arc, 2 smashing out of 5. There is enough promise to show a lot of potential and a really cool story with imagination, but its confusing to read, half the decisions have no context or thought process to follow and the other half are not followed up on, the pacing is slow as hell, and when all of this is combined, and then how much of an impact this has on the characters, my only thought is "meh".

If you are interested in learning to write, mastering the craft, want some really good reads, or just to chat and hang out with a mature group of adults, feel free to hit me up for a smashing discord book club that has lasted years.