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I COME FROM THE BOWELS OF DARKNESS! TO SMASH!!!
This last period I have taken the time to read the next smasher in the queue, Ominously Unpropitious by SevenDeadliersins.
The first thing to understand is that this story is short, running at only four chapters so far. It seems like it has a long way to go. How long? Hard to say.
TLDR; Felt like an odd combination of Alien, The Rain, and "No Time to Explain" the game.
Overall I would rate this story 2 smashing out of 5! Its weaknesses outweigh its strengths.
Main Character - Meh - The MC is a nice person, cares about others more than himself, is full of fears, and yet pushes through them. He also seems to have some very interesting mysteries surrounding him and his family. Yet, for all of this, the MC is almost non-existent because no characterization exists. There are multiple reasons for this. The biggest being the pacing, which I will explain later. The second reason is the MC is, by nature, extremely reactionary. Reactionary characters are not always bad, but this proves to the bad kind. The story simply happens to him. From one event to the next the MC is always on the receiving end of fate flapping in the wind. He never has character-defining moments where he makes decisions because he has no power to make them. Combine a character who doesn't have character-defining moments or decisions with a story that moves at breakneck speed and ultimately you have a shadow of potential.
Side Characters - Meh - The SCs are many and are similar to the MC. The SCs also are very reactionary and are influenced by a story that moves at a mind-boggling pace. What makes it even worse is that each of them lasts for what feels like seconds. You cannot relate to or grasp characters that are removed just as quickly as they are introduced. There is no relationship, no connection, no relation between character and reader or character and character provided or given. The story tries, it really does, but it is shallow at best when there is no room to breathe or engage or just be characters. This carries on to the MC as the shallow engagements keep him from being able to portray character.
Grammar and word usage - First Draft - The story doesn't have glaring grammar issues that held me back, but the way the sentences and paragraphs are structured looks like a well done first draft. Sentences that don't give much, multiple verb tenses at the same time, and a funny tendency to use multiple parts of the sentence to say the same thing inherently multiple times at once through adjectives, verbs, and so on.
World Building - Semi-Smashing - The Worldbuilding is easily the best part of the story. There is a dose of information dumping early on where some of the information given was... contradictory. But then it goes on with a combination of information dumping, which was to its detriment, but also wonderful atmosphere and characterization of the environment. It brings the horror and fears out greatly and this works well with the story's pace. It makes you ask questions but at the same time, it is done in such a way that makes answers unnecessary or will be a long time coming. The world is juicy and full of dramatic, horrific promises. This is only amplified by the stories pacing. There seems to be more effort put into the world building around the characters than the characters or events themselves.
Plot - Semi-Smashing or meh, depending - The plot is, right now, seemingly non-existant. Its just reacting to the situations as they come, and the situations are expressed in such a way as to feel random. If anything it feels like the author doesn't know what the plot is that she wants to write to begin with and is going by the seat of her pants making it up as she goes along. This can make the story dynamic and character-driven if done right, reactionary if done poorly, and this story leans towards being reactionary because there is no character driving it. As said before, stuff just happens to the characters, whether death or trauma, removing their viability from ever bearing any kind of fruit.
Yet at the same time the plot can be considered quite good if you turn your brain off. This is where the horror and action truly shine. The action is intense, well paced, pure eye-candy with just enough horror behind it to make it all that more gripping. The horror is visually shown excellently and the MC ends up in a lot of situations that clearly are inspired from several horror films/series/tropes.
The problem at the core of everything is that the pacing never slows down. When the scene is action-oriented, then the pacing is perfect. When it isn't action-oriented, it shoots itself in the foot because it doesn't adapt to this need for different pacing. It is not that things aren't expressed relevant to the MCs emotions, but this story covers the same overall amount of material of a full season tv show with 24 episodes in four chapters. This pacing sacrifices everything that gives meaning and purpose and character to reach the next episode as soon as humanly possible, which is basically the next paragraph. No character lasts long enough to provide a foundation to the story. The MC is purely reactionary. There is no character, whether villain or hero, driving the story. Its just a series of unfortunate events that happen because reasons, plot convenience, or just a constant need to rush rush rush to the next rush.
So while I like the action and horror aspects on which it leans on, the action and horror lacks character depth because none is built from those slower moments where the story can breath. Action needs stakes and stakes is on the backs of characters to relate to and value as people we don't want to lose. As it is, there hasn't been a single tear for a single person for me. I haven't felt a thing for anyone that has walked away or died and I expect more to die and I expect I still won't care. I couldn't even care less if the MC died. It'd be a cool death, but there is no value in anything. Its eye candy. All sugar, no substance.
For the story to improve would be to restructure the paragraphs and expand on the scenes heavily to allow proper transition from such a break-neck speed to a pace where characters are allowed to just BE characters, there would need to be an actual protagonist because there isn't one, characters would need to live to create a foundation in the story to act upon. Also the characterization would need to be redone from scratch to be more natural and characterizing. I didn't mention it before, but no one acts like a human being. They all act like robots or something. There is no reaction to things, despite being reactionary characters. Your daughter died? Oh well, lets make pancakes! :D Its... quite weird. I don't know if it is a result of the author trying to rush things as much as possible or just how their actions/dialogue/mannerisms are expressed. I don't think the author should change the action or horror, but continue to lean on that heavily because DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN those parts are good; but the author needs to figure out when to adapt the story to different pacing and different needs.
I'm out with a smashing!
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If you are interested in learning to write, mastering the craft, want some really good reads, or just to chat and hang out with a mature group of adults, feel free to hit me up for a smashing discord book club that has lasted years.
