Ancient's Smashing Reviews

My Digital Romance - @TruDevine

AncientDoom back with another smashing review! 

This time on the chopping block: My Digital Romance by @TruDevine 

TLDR; A hilariously lovable story of friendship and crushes, that is massively held back.

Main Characters: Awww <3 - The main character is a girl who likes to push boundaries, is addicted to video games, has problems with jerks and loves her friends. Rather than being told this, you are shown it, which turns this characterization from boring and unoriginal to a LOT of fun! There is only one thing that is told, her condition and phobias, and from there you are shown it further as these provided facts are reinforced by what is shown and portrayed, as opposed to being told. So the main character is a very strong start. There is however, one major problem. I can't tell if there are any other main characters. Considering the theme is romance, then there is a lack of main characters so far. "So Far" being the keywords, as there is good enough characterization of one other character to MAYBE make him a main character, but it's hard to tell, and you kinda need multiple main characters in a romance story to have both sides of the romance. Otherwise, it's a one-sided romance and... while that would make a painfully good story, it isn't the goal of what her story is so far as I can tell. A second problem is that the main character, though great and lovable and fun, lacks something. Does she have flaws? Yes. But does she have goals or desires? ... I can't find it. This leaves her with limited potential currently.

Side Characters: Most of the side characters are easy to grasp and they contribute brilliantly. Their roles are clear. Their personas are clear. They are shown rather than told. For the most part. I don't know where they are going as the story is still very young, but the side characters show promise.

Kelly: This character I have to talk about briefly on his own as he can make or break the entire characterization on his own. This guy is a character that comes across too weak to be a main character and too strong to be a side character. He is a middle ground that is more like a side-kick. He has only been shown a short time, but it is very important the writer figure out how strong of a role this guy has as he can easily be a main character and add to it brilliantly, or leave the main cast with one just one person. His primary flaw is that he commits a huge story-sin. He information dumps up his entire back story the **moment** you meet him. This single moment almost destroys his potential as a main character, leaving him to the side. There is no mystery. You can easily have a character come across so strongly that they destroy their own potential for people to be intrigued. He has no future desires or flaws or hopes to grow towards, which is required for a main character. Like the Main Character there needs to be something they strive for, a goal to work towards, a philosophy to believe and have in conflict with others. 

The characters are fun. I laughed when she got hugged to death and (I think) lifted out of her chair cuz the guy is fun and outgoing. but the characters need that extra attention, that moment where you understand what they want in life and where the story is going to make them more well rounded, bring people in and invested into their future. Right now there is no future because I don't know what they want out of the future. Does the main character want to be an IT person? Does she want to one day have surgery to fix her condition? Does she want to be a guitarist or the worlds greatest adventurer? There is no answer and no question offered.

Okay, that was a lot of time on characters, but that is because its complicated. The author is on the edge of the knife between huge potential for a lot of fun and drama and very little potential confined to a short story.

World Building: I'm divided on it - The world building is clear. There is some telling and some showing. Not a bad balance. You don't get too much because there isn't much that is necessary for what is provided so far. So you know what? It's dynamic and grows a bit. Good. But I am also left many times wondering 'why is this relevant'? And then I find myself returning to the problem I brought up before: The characters have no goals. They have no purpose in their choices and actions. They never take control. The characters are all reactive, which means to react to things that happen to them. Without the agency of having a goal and taking control of the narrative, then anything outside of the chain of events that has led up to the current state leaves me wondering 'why is this relevant?' There are multiple moments where there is a scene, it has seemingly nothing to do with the plot the characters are reacting with, and the reason those scenes exist is not given as there is no goal to explain their purpose. Why is the main character hunting a chest? What purpose is there in it? What does it have to do with being punished by mommy, punished by a teacher, meeting your best friend, and not-meeting some legendary gamer? If the main characters goal is a chest in the game, then what relevance does this have to any of the events provided? The world building is good but it doesn't support the narrative as it lacks purpose and agency.

And when you have scenes that don't support the narrative, it just makes the story longer. The story, so far as I see it, can easily be cut down by 1/3 and put into two larger chapters, and it wouldn't be hurt at all.

Grammar: I can read your mind! - I didn't see any spelling errors and the punctuation issues doesn't hold it back. It is technically correct. Technically. Many of the funniest moments purposefully break expected grammar rules so you really feel ike you are inside the character's head. This is good, I have done it, it makes the story a lot of fun both for the readers and author, and I don't want her to stop. Ever. This is what gives the main character flavor. However there is also a problem with delivery and clarity that leaves me sometimes confused what is going on at times. This is a weak problem, but worth watching out for.

Plot: Mentioned already but worth stressing out - "You can't be lost if you don't know where you are going." That is the best way to describe it. I don't know what the plot is. I can't say if there is a good plot or bad plot, as quite simply I see no plot so far, and the lack of a plot is bad. Every event that unfolds seems like it is a reaction to the previous event. Every action is reactive, not proactive. Every scene lives in the moment, and while this is good, it cant be the only thing the story does. Without a goal, without an idea of where the character is going or what the character is working towards, then we have no idea where we are relative to that goal. Is it already resolved? Is it only started? Is there anything we want or are we just 'dealing with the situation as it transpires'? This. One. Single. Problem is the biggest problem for the entire story. Without it, the world building has no purpose. Without it, the character's potential is limited at best to the present and not the future where it belongs. Without it, we cannot figure out the value of the side characters and how their roles correspond to the narrative. Without purpose there is no value.

Overall I would give it 2 smashing out of five *in its current state.*

I want to give it 3 out of five. I really do. The story is short and fun and the interactions are cute and sweet and I want the character to succeed. But succeed in what? This is the problem. I hope and imagine there will be plot, goals, and necessary ingredients given soon to bring it to what I would say its an average, balanced state. And it has potential for 4 out of 5 with more development from there.

I'm out with a smashing!!

If you are interested in learning to write, mastering the craft, want some really good reads, or just to chat and hang out with a mature group of adults, feel free to hit me up for a smashing discord book club that has lasted years.