Ancient's Smashing Reviews

{Z-OM} by @Spinel243

This is a short story. Apparently a prologue to something bigger that I know nothing about. I will be analyzing this accordingly as both a short story and a prologue to something bigger.

I tried but I couldn't even finish this short story. I will explain.

TLDR; Teenage drama.

Plot - What am I reading? - So the story starts with a prologue to the prologue. It was an okay prologue-prologue at best because it gave a small sense of tone. However every time I see a prologue I am left wondering if it was actually an educated decision, where the author knows she doesn't HAVE to do a prologue just because its popular. This was among those. Is it really necessary? A brain surgeon doesn't only use scalpels just because its popular in surgery. There are other tools.

Then we immediately go from a dark tone to a tone where I can't describe it in chapter 1, because all it is would be a conversation. It just had me rolling my eyes. Girl sits and is depressed (but at the same time not depressed???) because apparently anghst and teenage drama is the first (and ONLY) thing we need. Long story short a guy asks about sex and accepts it when told no. Guy has a problem with her depression because she has been using him as an outlet for years. From the conversation it sounds like at least 3+ years. Her depression is making him depressed and he can't take it anymore. Finally Guy walks away. Then all of girl's friends come along and say he is the best thing for her, and the second she says they broke up, they say he is the devil incarnate.

The amount of sheer stupidity here left me almost as numb as the girl. 1. Why is it being made out to be evil that he had an interest in having sex with his girlfriend he had been in a relationship in for years? So she has no interest in it. So what? There were no higher values portrayed as a reason not to so I dont know what to make of it. As a Christian I am against it but I would never expect someone who isn't a christian to have the same values. So what motivation is there beyond she has no attraction in him? 2. She was using him as an emotional punching bag for years and wonders why he is bruised and needs to consider his own health? Seriously? Then is so stupid as to think it has no effect on him. There are many kinds of depression. Just because her depression is different in nature to the one she is giving him doesn't make it any less depression. If she was in any way remotely intelligent she would be seeking professional help. He made the intelligent decision in recognizing the cause of his depression and doing something about it when she made it abundantly clear after 3+ years she had no intention of doing anything about herself, because he was her outlet, and she had no interest in him outside of that abuse. Now, to be fair, teenagers aren't smart enough to know that refusing to get help and using others as an outlet is abusive, but doesn't make his decision any less valid. 3. The friends are mindnumbingly stupid and cement the idea for the audience whose side we should be taking. They are not allowed to disagree with her. They agree with her in thinking he is nice and then not two quotes later swap opinions so hard, just because its her, that they almost gave me whiplash and I had to re-read to be sure I hadn't lost my mind. I hadn't. They are incapable of independent thought and the MC is using an emotional handicap as a tool to control people.

Honestly chapter 1 felt more like a prologue than the prologue because nothing substantial happened outside setup and letting us know who the characters are.

I dont have a problem with chapter 1 in establishing teenagers as stupid and their anghst as even more so. I have a problem with chapter 1 in establishing a mary sue because no one is allowed to have an opinion that doesn't perfectly match up to hers. Side characters exist to push/pull the MC out of her comfort zone to, at the very least, show different sides of her, if not provide healthy conflict. They not only fail at that, they validate her stupidity, ensuring she is a failure of a character and is giving off mary sue red flags. Not confirmed mary sue, but has traits.

Chapter 2 we got some touring of a lab while the MC thinks and has brief flashbacks. . The flashbacks are also of the boyfriend asking a very valid question of 'when?', giving me a sense that he can tell she had no attraction in him which is only validated as her response to him wasn't 'when we are older' or any moral reason or anything like that, but instead she goes 'drop it'.  The lab itself was interesting, but the only conversation occurring resolves around sex, boyfriends, and aphrodisiacs. To which every MC's reaction is disgust. We get it. She doesn't like sex. She doesn't even have normal teenage curiosity. Move on. 

Thankfully it moved on as boyfriend  suggest the aphrodisiac idea and then force her into the gas chamber to try it. She gives a half-assed attempt at fighting back. No. Not even half-assed. More like fourth-assed. Even after he managed to get her into the chamber. If you want to make him out to be a raper out of nowhere at least try and work with that because outside of three words "I wasn't asking" then we have very little to work with. Also hadn't he broken up with her?! What kind of convoluted timeline is this?? Is this a non-flashback-prologue to the prologue-prologue to the prologue-prologue-chapter 1-prologue flashback all while having even further back flashback chapter2-flashback prologues within the prologue where we have non-flashback prologues of a prologue???

Not to mention this is a stark-character difference is so polarizingly opposite in how he is portrayed that I'm pretty sure its two different people.

And she apparently has the strength from aphrodisiac gas to break down walls and jump out of a seven-story building like She-Hulk only where She-Hulk goes "You won't like me when I'm horny!"

What am I reading?

Chapter 3 starts off with apparently she survives the 7 story fall, has an itchy arm, had inhaled experimental gas, and the doctors let her go... Because. Um. Stupidity? And she thinks the itching is due to sunburn... when she is only portrayed as an indoor person... after inhaling experimental gas. Then naturally the Allen guy is accused of stuff, fair, but conveniently this company that has the wealth for a 7-story building has no cameras and the police are too stupid to think they could ever find a teenager. Here's a hint: Try his home and credit card? Then as soon as the MC leaves the complex she starts having unusual hair and skin complexion and no one cares to take her back to doctors that let her go. the chapter pretty much ends on "I guess nobody knows anything." Which has nothing to do with anything that has been directly said or done this entire chapter but might be true without realizing it because everyone is incompetent. Every story beat has occurred because of stupidity.

Main Characters - So about all we know about the main character is that she doesnt like sex. And she is depressed. Why? Don't know! Don't think about it. Why does she not get professional help? Because stupid. Because she has more than enough people she can take it out on instead behind the scenes. Because everyone validates her. We don't even get interactions to explain what everyone is talking about! Every character/relationship trait is told. This is as effective as hearing the laugh instead of the joke. Its awkward, empty nonsense.

Side Characters - They offer nothing of remote interest and only seem to exist to validate her ideas, opinions, and world view. Why are they even here? Why not replace them with a dog? A dog would offer more at this point.

Grammar and Word Usage - Reasonably easy to read. Nothing exceptional but not bad either. It seems aimed at kids from the low-level words used and how things are phrased.

World Building - Nothing given nothing offered. If the 'plot' is meant to be understood without actually reading it, but gleaned from outside sources, then you have failed from the start.

Overall I would rate this One smashing out of Five. I see no potential. Burn it and start over.

I know there are a few more chapters, but even in the remaining 5 chapters + epilogue, I don't see how this can possibly improve. I can't even say the story was a bad idea because there were no ideas given, and what lack of ideas given that were offered were executed based on incompetency and stupidity, only succeeding in validating opinions based on nothing. If the characters were to at least validate a bad idea with the slightest reason or intelligence behind it beyond that of a houseplant, then at least they could offer something, but no one can even do that much. Every action beat has been "because stupid". and there isn't even much narrative beats as 90% of the chapters is hot air while the time framing is an incoherent, convoluted mess.

If you are interested in learning to write, mastering the craft, want some really good reads, or just to chat and hang out with a mature group of adults, feel free to hit me up for a smashing discord book club that has lasted years.