The Beginning

Lucid Dreams

Lilith held me in her arms tightly, "I won't allow you to visit Nathaniel after this, meeting again should be forbidden as there is no other reason you should be meeting and you know why." Even though I was barely a month old my memories were still intact, I remember the pitiful look she expressed. "I understand. I've been away from Lucifer for too long now, he probably won't let me visit the humans any time soon." Tridarian nodded, "Give him to the angel that you have chosen to guide his path, when you have finished, Mattews will guide you home." Her eyes were soft, big and rounded. When she made her exit, her kind face was all I could think about. "Mother has to leave you with an angel, I picked her out myself so I know she'll look after you well. God has also forbidden me to come see you again, but he has said nothing about coming to see me when you are of age. When you are able to walk, when you are able to talk, I want you to go to hell with an alliance with Lucifer. I will be awaiting your presence, I love you." She pushed open the door of another room, and she handed me to another, all I wanted to do was grab her back but it was too late. "Take care of him for me, I will now take my leave as I need to hurry back now." The memory that had been stuck to me like glue, was taken away with something so impure as blood.

The vile things that other angels used to say about me were flooding back to me, 'Rhain will have to step down from her position.' 'She'll die before nightfall-' 'Baby Nathaniel isn't pure good...' 'He's a troublemaker!' 'Have you heard of what Nathaniel did to Alina?' 'I heard that Nathaniel was formed by an angel and a demon, how disgusting.' They were angels, and yet all these foul words spread out of their mouths naturally, they gossiped. I remember hating being so powerless against them, being forced to act a certain way as I was to rule beside Rhain. Who said I wanted to rule beside her, why on earth would I want to be forced upon that treatment when they kicked mother out from heaven... They kicked her out. I often sat in the library and heard the latest thing between them, the look they gave me as they passed by me. I once said, "If I was so disgusting, why am I God's favourite." The response was harsh, "He felt sorry for you, it's out of pity not love. The position you're in isn't anything special, even though I don't get why they would put such a violent angel to rule beside her, it's beyond me. But keep talking and you end up in 'Nowhere.' It is a second home to you." It was the smile, I wanted to wipe that smug smile off her face, I wanted to rip him apart, tear him limb from limb and watch as he struggled to get up. These thoughts were riling me up and they needed to slow down or at least calm down, I am an angel after all. "Being beside the Goddess I'll be in her ear remember, be kind to me now or you'll surely regret it. I wouldn't want something bad to happen to you, I really like having you up in heaven." Of course, the angels didn't let that slide. They also embarrassed me in front of him by pulling me by the ear and taking me straight to 'Nowhere.' I think my blood still boils when I see him, we'll test it out when I get back to heaven and turn his world upside down. It felt a little unhealthy going in there, they saw it as getting me back on the angelic path. They made me worse and I wasn't grateful for what they had put me through. I was angry, they didn't understand that placing me in there as a young child stirred an anger in me that was slowly falling apart and I was going to ruin them one way or another.

I can recall the day the words from my mother swept back in my mind, I couldn't wait to finally see who she was, as my faint image was nothing more than a blur but, I recollect her voice. On that day I had to slip past the woman who was watching me on that day, Angel Abayomi. I asked to play hide and seek, and when I came back she had been sitting on a chair rocking back and forth, the tears that flooded from my eyes were unbelievable. When I got away I used my wings and went through the door, I was greeted by two large demons, they smiled but they were still abominable creatures in my eyes. "What did you come here for, small angel?" I was overjoyed and he surprisingly wasn't. "I have some information you might like." He took the scroll from my hand and started smiling and nodding repeatedly. I didn't understand it but I'm glad he could. "This was good for today, next time you come to see me I expect you to bow, it was very impolite for you to come in here unannounced and not even bow before me. Understood?" I was scared just looking at him and before I knew it I was down on my knees begging for forgiveness. "Tell me, young angel, what do you intend to get by giving me this?" I recite the words of my mother, "This is not a betrayal but a symbol of our unity, if I am to give you this and slowly win you over, both Heaven and Hell will no longer fight but see eye to eye with one another one day." He looked at me and nodded, "Okay. Then I'll look through this and when you find something else, do not hesitate to come back, you are welcomed in hell." I got up from the floor, bowed my head and stood until I was excused. "You may leave now." I nod towards him and I exit the room rushing to find some sort of clue to where my mother would be. I wandered the grounds for at least two hours, and when I heard her voice, I just knew it was her. "H-... Hello." I bowed as I greeted the beautiful lady, "Ah, an angel... am I right?" I nodded and I asked, "What is your name may I ask?" She giggled and her arms opened out, "I am Lilith, you may call me mother as I am she." I ran into her open arms without delay, "Mother, please come back to heaven with me." She patted my head and shook her head, "I can only come back when you become God, you'll do that for mummy won't you? Will you do that for me, become a God?" I released her and nodded happily, "Yes I will!" It was manipulation at its finest, "Then be a good boy, come and visit me again in one year but remember-" I spoke before she could finish. "Don't tell anyone I was here." I smiled as I looked into her eyes, "I won't! I don't want my mother to get in trouble, and I have also thrown away the letters, so please write to me." I could feel the bliss of my younger self, the pain started to grow, and my anxiety grew larger. "Mother, I don't want to leave you so soon." She placed her cold hands on my face, "I know, I wish I could relive this moment over and over again." I held my tears in, "I wish that too, I was so happy to find you today!" My excitement grew larger, she was taking my innocence, she was taking my pride. "Mother loves you so much, but we cannot be caught today." She kissed me on my forehead and another on my cheek which reverberated with me until our next meeting, sorrows fell within me as I left her, my heart was no longer whole.

Next, I was in a dark space, I knew where this was, but it was nowhere. Angel Tiana used to leave me there for hours on end, I'd cry but nobody could hear, I'd shout, and still no response. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I could hear it in my younger self's voice, the shaky, croaky, high-pitched voice. I often had nightmares about 'Nowhere' it created this diabolical feeling that would overtake your whole body, and scared you to even wake up. I was scared to be awake. I was also afraid to dream, it was as though I was trapped in a never-ending loop. "Please, I'll be good, I'll be good." The first time I ended up in the 'Nowhere' I did something extreme, I broke into the soul room, I tainted them and bothered them. "Please..." That was my first time, but I had read this book on souls and how they were interacting by pushing their souls together, and it fascinated me. "I didn't mean to do it. I didn't mean to, I'm sorry!" I did nothing that serious after that, but it became a constant punishment for small things. I think they liked the reaction they received. "I didn't know. I didn't know!" Hearing it burned my very soul, it rippled my core. "I-... I didn't-... I didn't mean to!" I knew I was curled up in a ball, begging to be let out. Being isolated was the worst thing to happen in heaven, it wasn't like there was light, it was devastatingly dark and I had never seen anyone else get this treatment.

I don't remember this... "Nathaniel practises general knowledge." Holding the book close to his chest, "Okay." He placed the book down and stared down at the pages, not paying attention to the words. "Reading something I've read already..." He sighed aloud, a note was given to him. 'Read the book if you want to rule beside the Goddess, you have to have better knowledge than her.' He pushes it away and skims over the book pretending to look interested. He moves his chair back, "You should keep reading if you don't want to go into that room." He taps the table twice, "Thanks, but I'm not afraid of it anymore." He walks out without another word. "I will get my mother to live with me, I will! I will do as she says, I will do it! Even if it means killing Lucifer and his son, or betraying the heavens." The persistence was sinking in, he resonated with those words as a vowel.

I'm stuck in this dream-like state, it's like reliving the parts of your life you wish you could erase. You can't interact or change it, so you're watching intensely knowing the outcome will bring you to tears once again. I knew I could do nothing, I couldn't even close my eyes, as they were already tightly shut. I often thought I was better than everyone else, watching it all back I feel the same way still, I knew that Rhain shouldn't become a goddess as she wasn't good enough. I was ready to wake up, I had recharged with all my memories, they were recovered with the leftover pain. I had no reason to be here, questioning everything in this moment of time, I needed to take action. I didn't know why I hated Tristan when the real villain was our mother, pinning me to hate Lucifer for her being held captive... She was his wife, I had no reason to resent him... Maybe I was upset because he got to have her and I was stuck with the suffering in Heaven no less, I had so much anger just raging in me, so much pain. I needed to get out, I needed to wake up!