One Hour Switch

Chapter 36: Weak

Y/N's Point of View

"Wh-What... the h-hell?"
Everything was black, I couldn't see. I tried to lift my arm but it was too heavy and I was too weak. No. I can't. Please. I don't want this. I don't want to be here. Why didn't it work?
I stopped trying for a minute and eventually mustered up the strength to open my eyes. Everything was bright white and blinding. Tears starting streaming down my eyes. I can't bear it. I moved my eyes to look around the room. My vision was limited because I couldn't move my head or body. I was too weak. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him. The one man I had selfishly hurt. Broken sobs came out of my mouth. They sounded inhumane. My throat was hoarse and burning.
"Y/N."
That was all it took. The sobs became uncontrollable.
"Why?"
I couldn't stop crying. NamJoon handed me a glass of water and helped me to sit up on the hospital bed. We just sat in silence until I managed to control my crying.
"NamJoon. I am weak. You asked me why. It's a simple answer. I couldn't take it because I am weak. I can't do this because I am weak. I couldn't stay because I am weak. I couldn't continue because I am weak. I am weak. And that scares me. And I couldn't fight it because I'm too weak. I don't know what to do anymore. I thought I was making the right decision. I thought I was giving you a better chance at happiness. I thought that as long as you were happy I would be fine. I thought that as long as your dreams came true mine didn't matter. But I was wrong. I couldn't bear it. Because I am weak. NamJoon I'm so scared. I don't know what to do because nothing is working and it is only getting worse. All I wanted was a life with you. The only thing I ever wanted. And it all got taken away in one night. Our future NamJoon, You're future. Can you understand why I did it? I thought I was doing the right thing. How did the right thing turn into this? I'm scared of what happened. I'm scared of what my body has become. I couldn't fight through the toughness. I am weak. And it's really tiring. I wanted to be ok. And that wasn't happening. It just wasn't happening. I couldn't take it anymore. So I did what I knew would make it all go away. To bring me to still life. Peace. And look where that got me. No where. And now I'm worse than before and I don't know what to do."
I started crying again. Snot running down my nose. I was breathing through my mouth and snorting to catch my breath. I feel helpless.
NamJoon stepped forward and grabbed tissues to wipe my nose. I drank more water to try to calm down and he stepped back to the foot of the bed. I could tell he was hurt. I could tell he was trying his hardest to not cry. I could tell it was taking everything in him not to break.
"You never asked what I thought."
He spoke with his head fixed on his feet.
"W-what?"
"You never asked me what I thought. About anything. Y/N, I don't care. I don't. I don't care about the future. I don't care about the past. I don't care about others. I care about you. And only you. When I got back to Korea I locked myself in my room. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. You were all I could think about. I had lost you. That was it. That was what occupied my mind. Nothing else. I didn't care about anything else. All I cared about was you. I don't care about my what my dream was before you because you are my dream now. You being happy and healthy is my dream. Not having kids. Screw having kids Y/N. You are my priority. Not something that hasn't even happened. You are my soulmate Y/N. And the fact that I just left you here haunts me. I should have fought more. I am sorry. It will never happen again. But Y/N, you are not weak. You have never been weak. You have always been strong. You have had to be more strong than most people. And because of that, the weight on your shoulders kept increasing. And eventually it was too much. And all of that weight came crashing down. You made mistakes. I am not going to sugarcoat it. We all do. That's life. That's normal. And I forgive you for everything. The point is, you are not weak. If you were weak you wouldn't be here. You are so strong. I don't know how you do it. Y/N I don't care about anything that has happened before this moment. All I care about is that you are safe and here with me. I am not going to leave you again. No matter what. I love you Y/N L/N."
NamJoon was crying too now. I struggled to lift my arms up but he got the hint. He walked over and gave me a gentle hug so as to not hurt me, but he held on tight. He held on tight so I knew that he wasn't going anywhere. And we stayed like that. And it was nice.