Reviews and recommendation

Click play

By ShortyWolf20

Would you fall in love with your playmate?

After meeting in multiplayer games, Vik and Jazz, two gamers, develop a tender companionship, between fireball shooting, goblin slaying, and manslaughter. Online.

How close can video games bring two people?

As a gamer myself, and a lover of Sword Art Online, I loved your blurb.

Fantasy, without being fantasy (it's videogames), bromance... while actually romance.

Let's get to work.

POSITIVE NOTES

1. Habitat

I'm a little sucker for love stories. Lgbt love stories? Oh, god.

But if it was just a love story between two classmates, it would have lost most of its charm. If it was a gay love story in a fantasy land in the middle age... it might have been a little too much.

Thanks to video games, you get a natural setting (current era, a city) and a fantasy setting, getting the best out of both.

2. Target audience study

Who will read your story?

As a reviewer, I tend to understand who my writer is. Because I know they will read the review. As a writer, you have to understand who will be your reader.
You have it in front of your eyes.

If I may, let me guess your main target audience: girls, between 14 – 18, gamers, and maybe part of the LGBTQ community. Side audience: boys, around 14 – 20, gamers, unsure of their future life, spending a lot of time on the internet which might include Wattpad.

Side side audience: older readers, around 25 – 35, on Wattpad for fun, still "young" in the mind, remembering their era of video games.

If I guessed right, your book is a perfect example of writing for an audience.

Details about video games are perfect. The speed at which the narration flows is quite fast, indicating a young audience. Your character's worries reflect at least in part, those of your readers. At the same time, video games aren't always easy to understand. Especially if you're not playing. You keep the games easily explainable and enjoyable for everyone.

NEUTRAL NOTES

1. Cover

I am writing this on a bus.

Having quite a sociable seatmate, I showed her the book I reviewed.

The first thing she said was that in no way would she have ever guessed it was a romance.

Reflecting on it, she's right.

I love the freshness and brightness of your cover, but looking at it, I only get the "games and friendship" part. If that was your intention, writing a coming-of-age book rather than a romance, no problem.

On the other hand, if you're looking forward to attracting a romance reader, I might suggest including a little "love" on your cover. Maybe the joystick's cables could form a heart? Maybe not.

I'm not a cover artist.

But you get the point.

NEGATIVE NOTES

1. Dialogues

As a writer, I hate having to insert "he said" "he shouted" "she joked" etcetera.
A quick, fast, fun, dialogue made only out of "", where readers feel the voices of the characters through their way of speaking is always appreciated.

But I have to say, in those parts, I often got confused about who was which.

I might be a bit dumb.

I understand both the characters are excited to be playing, but at the moment their voices are too similar.

2. Syntax

Your syntax sometimes seems incorrect.

It's fine in the dialogue since we're talking about teenage boys, but not in the description and actions. It feels like you get a bit too fast, losing pieces there and then.

Maybe try getting a friend to read it or to read it out yourself.

In general:

What a refreshing, entertaining book this was! I can't really add much, forgive me for the short review. 

(and for waiting two months...)