baby on board ❧ am au

eleven

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     | b e n t l e y |

     "He was fucking drooling over you in that dress and you didn't end up going home with him? Really?" Carla pesters as we walk to the mall. We as in Alex, Jackie, Devin, and Nancy. They wanted to take me out just to lecture me about not going home with Austin.

     "He never asked," I shrug and it was true. After he put Madison to sleep, he started acting all weird when I caught him singing to her and I don't know why. Nor did I decide to continue to ask. I don't want to annoy him.

     But it was so weird just making Austin react like that so I had to furrow my eyebrows at the thought. He must've done something embarrassing that he didn't want me to see.

     "He was through his eyes! It's all about the eyes!" Nancy says as I look over her way. She's just nodding her head in agreement to herself. All I do at her actions in laugh.

These girls are so set on Austin and I.

     "I was talking to Austin last night," Devin soon spoke up, and I quickly look her way. 

     The look on her face looked like sympathy towards someone. Like Austin had something that would effect one of us which was probably me. 

     "He said he'd want more kids," she states in a whisper and I swear my heart dropped. Every part of my body went numb and I felt like I needed to sit down.

     We arrived at the mall and the girls immediately helped me sit down on a bench. I could tell now they all held the same look as Devin and it killed me. It killed me to know they felt like that because of his words.

His words killed me.

"Then I guess I'm not the girl for him," I soon whisper and everyone was silent. I did too.

❦

     "Listen, Austin, I have stuff to do. I can't," I say into the phone before hanging it up with a hint of hesitation. Once again I turned him down all because of his one comment about wanting to have more kids.

But I just couldn't do that.

     Who wants to be with a girl who can't help you have a future as well as more generations of you? I can't give him what he wants, maybe even what he needs. I know I'm freaking out over this tiny thing, but he wants more kids.

If Austin and I worked out, I'd have to break the harsh reality to him.

"I can't have kids."

     I wince every time I think about it, and god it hurts so much. It hurts to know I can't have a family. I can't get pregnant. I can't have a kid who will grow up to look like me even the slightest bit. And it sucks. It sucks to think about.

     "You can't just keep turning him down, Bentley..." I hear Alex say from over on the couch. I look over to find her eyes with so much sympathy I almost strangled her. The girls always looked at me like that and I hated it.

     "This is none of your business so keep it to yourself," I spat, getting up from the counter and making my way up to my room. And yes I did slam the door behind me to get out my frustration.

     I was so upset by all of this. I couldn't get him one of the things he desired. I know he's into me, and I'm into him too, but it wouldn't work. He'd dump me once he finds out I can't give him what he wants.

I wish I could.

I have to sigh a bit before flopping down on my bed.

     I feel so hopeless and conflicted about this whole thing. But all I know is that in the end he won't want me. We'd try and we'd fail. I can't let my heart get broken again. The last guy I dated did a pretty good job of breaking it and every since Austin it's been putting itself back together. 

It needs to stop.

     Everything feels right with Austin though. We don't even have to be doing much, but it just feels good. It feels like this moment should be happening and it's so special. It's special to not only me but him.

I don't know, but I'm getting all sappy as I stare up at the ceiling.

But I know that even as good as it feels it's going to come to an end. And I choose now rather then later.

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Super short but well needed to show you that Bentley isn't perfect and she's holding back herself to Austin because of this reason.