Innocence in Lust ✔

XXII. LISTENING HEART

"Allow us to start over, Baby. Let us make everything right." – Jeon Jungkook

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Silence engulfs the two of you as Jungkook walks with you on his back. Your heart is peaceful in contrast with his erratic drumming. His is nervous, perhaps still with the guilt of their doing, but yours is like the retreating waves at the shore. Maybe because you had dozed off for a bit and is still so sleepy. You feel so tired and defeated, beaten up once again with the unfairness of life.

One thing just comes into mind. Is this really unfair? Isn't it life has finally given you what you have been wanting?

You want to think more of that... but again... you are tired. So, you allow yourself to close your mind and look at your past. Like an old movie reeling, you painstakingly watch on the shadows of your closed lids. Static lines crack through the scenes, but it is still clear, like a memory that persistently peeks through your waking dreams.

Once there was a time when you were physically and mentally hurt by your first adopted parents, but you had quickly considered it as them loving you differently. Being too young, you didn't consider it wrong. You thought that it was okay as long as they want you in their home. It took you time to realize that they were abusive when a concerned social worker pointed it out and took you out from their place. You can remember the little you, thrashing, not wanting to be apart from that cruel couple, afraid that no one would want you anymore. You were right though. No one had ever considered adopting you after that. They were your first and your last. After all, no one wants a girl that was older than the rest of the orphans.

It was not the only time when you were treated unfair and different. The scholarship you worked on fell out of your hands and was given to another, only because the other had a connection in the administration. It felt wrong but you still congratulated the person with sincerity. You easily gave in and tried to finish your study with working in different jobs on different shifts. Not sleeping enough and not eating enough were difficult but you accepted it. You only thought that it was necessary for you to thrive harder. That life was just unfair, and you couldn't do anything about it.

You easily swayed to the words of apologies. You easily forgive yet you never forget. All those failures only pile up inside the box in your heart's core. It only opens when another thing is yet to be tucked underneath it. It always reminds you that in this life, there is nothing that you can do but keep them. You only thought that they would only slow you down to chase to something you think you deserve if you let it freely afloat on your thoughts.

The constant chasing has been exhausting. Knowing that you would eventually fall has been heartbreaking. You knew that life would always find ways to fuck you up. You wanted to give up. You considered ending everything with a rope or with cuts on your wrists. But it would mean a surrender. It would mean that whatever you had been doing were just meaningless endeavors. So, you still continue.

This. The thing that is happening right now is another thing to tuck inside the box. Are you quick to forgive? No. Who says about forgiving? You just accept what had been happening. Besides, what to do with all of this? Escape and continue running to an exhausting tomorrow? To chase what? There is nothing more to do but to be with your soulmates. If proven they are wrong, maybe it's time to truly give up, waste all the moments of courage and diminish everything. There is nothing more worthwhile anyway. You are so over trying alone... again.

"We're here." Jungkook's hush whisper fishes you back to the present. You almost dozed off again. Slowly, you open your eyes. Your lashes flutter with confusion. You expect that Jungkook would bring you to the same room of the same hotel, however, you are in different place. It's a mansion, a few blocks away from the resort that you were staying. You noticed it yesterday, when you were walking with Jimin by the beach, but you never mind too much about it, thinking that it was a private property, the same with the rest of the few mansions along the shores.