You're My Shrink For The Hour

Go The Distance

As I sat across from Carter so many things ran through my mind.

I do this thing where I try to breathe for everyone around me. I take in a breath for myself and then whoever I am with so that they know I make space for them. Once they leave it is like losing my breath. I tend to think loving myself is a burden. What if I do not do the heavy lifting eventually, they will get tired of me?

Kasen use to tell me that love is an action, and we all make the choice to perform that action for ourselves and whoever else we decide. Kasen stepped in for me; even though my mind drifts often to think of my parents and I never felt like I was missing anything. Yet the thoughts of being a burden creep into my mind.

Carter held my hand in his warm ones and told me that if his being with me was too much he would understand. It snapped me out of my daze, which I was thankful for because my thoughts would have run away with me.

"I think I am umm liking you ..." I blurted out and he looked at me confused.

So much for thinking things through, instead of this beautiful speech. I word vomited, how poetic of me.

"Wait..." He said and I giggled.

"What I mean is I want to be with you however I need to adjust. Create a routine with you that establishes a rhythm for me that won't cause me panic, stress, or anxiety." I explained.

"Oh! That is understandable. I have an idea if you don't mind me sharing..." He said and I nodded yes.

"We can arrange some kind of a daily phone appointment around 11:00 pm, because we both work late." He explained.

"Every Tuesday, we can have movie night since that's when we both have an off day. Then the rest we let be slow and natural." I finished.

He smiled at me and kissed my fingertips.

At this moment I felt like I did not have to breathe for anyone but myself. He took a sip of his tea and moaned which made me bite my lip.

"You look like you have clarity. Is that because of the appointment with Dr. Reese?"

"She was everything I could want from a therapist. She made it easy to be free and open. She provided a path for me to walk and a space to do it at an appropriate time." I explained.

"I am glad you enjoyed Dr. Reese." He said and stared at me.

"Do I have something on my face doctor?" I asked.

"No, I am just admiring your beauty and grace. Appreciate the fact that I get to be in it with you." Carter said and I swooned like a teenager in love.

Love... It keeps our hearts beating and keeps us wanting more. It is what fuels our creativity, passions, thoughts, and power. My heart beat out of my chest at that moment, and I felt it...

Dr. Reese said to take things slow, so I decided against the confession because it could just be excitement...

Right?

"Serenity!" Carter said and I snapped out of my haze.

"Yes..." I hummed and he chuckled.

"I have to go back to work." He said and stood up.

"Yes!" I stood up and he pulled me in for a kiss.

"Have a wonderful day." He said and I smiled.

"Go save lives and I'll call you later," I said and he left.

..................

"I'll see you at the studio around 5 pm." – Alex.

I was taken out of my euphoria with Carter back to the harsh reality of Alex and I's relationship.

I grabbed my tea and thought about what I was going to say to him and how I would feel about seeing him.

I got to the studio at 4:45 pm and when I walked in Alex was leaning against my desk. The studio was empty, and it was only us.

"Mamacita..." He said with a pathetic sad look on his face. Which usually would have made my heart swell, but now it made me sick.

"I was in the hospital... I had two panic attacks and you were not there! You lied to me. You said you would always be there, especially if you knew." I spat out at him.

"Serenity! It is hard for me okay! I see you like that and it's hard." He said and tried to hold my hand.

I snatched my hand away. "You don't love me... You think I am never going to find someone else to deal with my disorder and me. Someone does... Thank you for the years of service Alex, however, I think you and I have run out of time." I sighed.

"Serenity... Don't do this..." He pled.

"Can you see yourself marrying me and having children with me? I can't fuck you for the rest of my life." I said bluntly and we stood quietly.

I never thought my love for Alex would fade. The longer we stood there with no words between us, my love shredded away into the night. I wanted him to say something to make it stop however the words failed him as he had failed me.

"I can't love you the way... the way you should be loved and when that guy sent the Thompson that's when I knew. It broke me because I want to love you... I just can't in the way you should be loved." Alex finally said and tears started to pour out of his eyes.

I stood still and my tears kissed my cheeks and the pain in my chest pounded.

"I know... I always knew... I waited for you to and there were moments where it seemed like you could. I fell in love with those moments more than I fell in love with you... I wish I could hold onto those moments for the rest of our lives. I wish those moments would create marriage and children however those moments have already happened, and you can't create anymore..." I said and continued to cry.

"I tried so hard..." He expressed desperately.

I nodded. "You did and I love you. I just cannot be in love with you. It's like being in love with nothing because it will never move forward, and I will never get anything."

"What now?" He asked simply.

"You can still work at the studio... If you want however it's up to you."

"I can't work here anymore. I am thankful for everything you have done for me. Loving me when I did not love you how you deserved. I cherish you however, I think I am going to take that offer in New York..." He said and I chuckled.

"You have always been a great runner... Goodbye Alex."

Alex left me there and I cried until my eyes were inflamed red.

There is something that happens to a person when they lose someone. The first thing is denial. You run through everything that even got you to this one moment. I watched Alex walk away from me many times. Most times I knew he would walk back, and I always wanted him to.

This time I knew he was not and something about that felt like it was always going to end up that way. I sat in my office for two more hours before I could walk out myself.

When I walked out, Alex was standing staring at the studio sign.

He walked over to me, and I stared at him. "I need to kiss you goodbye..." He said and I kissed him.

He held me tight, and tears ran down our faces. I finally pulled away.

"Goodbye..." Alex said and walked away from me once again.

I wanted to call out his name and I wanted to run after him. It was as if my body knew it was over and I stood there. The distance between us grew so large and he disappeared.