After Death (Season 2)

Chapter 19 (If Only)

Chapter 19: If Only

Leah Souixer

October 2023

17 months after outbreak

Nevada

Season 2

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I had no idea what we were doing anymore. I thought I wouldn't mind his silence but now I was yearning for him to say something. Anything, just so we weren't walking around with our heads cut off.

He wasn't the one responsible for what happened to Loveland so I didn't hold it against him.

I can't say that I was going to forgive him for everything but I knew if I continued to hate him like this it wouldn't make any improvements for the group. It would just make us more disorganized, more vulnerable.

So I tried to forgive him. I tried not to hate him. I tried to trust him.

I really miss Amy. I think about her every second of the day. I can't sleep because she's all I see when I close my eyes. I failed her. She wasn't ready to die, it wasn't her time to. It took me a while to realize that she was even gone and that it wasn't just some sick bad dream.

I miss her sweet smile, her voice, her favorite pink dress that she always wore. Her favorite food was watermelon. She had a hard time coming to accept reality. I guess we were kinda similar in that way. I never brought up what most likely happened to our mom because I hated seeing her cry. I hope she's somewhere with Mom now. Making cookies and singing songs that Grandpa always sang.

I feel like I should be dead by now. It's been over a year, I think that's at least somewhat impressive. Most people probably didn't make it longer than a few weeks unless they were in a community, but we've been on the road for the most part. I would risk my life if it meant someone else could live. I'd let the dead consume me if it meant someone like Airianna could live because I've been too much of an asshole to deserve anything good.

What if Amy was still here? Would that really change anything? Would it make us less weak because I would feel stronger? If only I would have protected her, if only I would have never let her think she was more powerful then she really was. If there was a way I could get her back, I promise I would do everything to keep her alive because she was the only ray of sunshine left in this world.

I needed her back, I needed her to tell me that what I'm doing is right. That I'm not being insensible. I would sacrifice everything just for a sign. Something that would tell me what to do or what to stop doing.