January

Fourteen

Sawyer

  "So where is he?" I push around some carrots while my mom glances at the clock on the wall for the hundredth time. She practically had to beg me to come. I haven't been to our weekly brunches since thanksgiving, and I wasn't planning on coming back in awhile, but my mom was persistent. It's hard to say no to her. I chose not to bring January, for obvious reason. But mainly because he insulted her last time, and I don't know what he is going to say tonight. If he even shows up that is. "He said he was running late." That was her answer for eating without him and now that's her reason for prolonging dessert. "He said he was running late an hour ago." I sink back into my chair. I fucking hate this. It feels like when he didn't show up for my soccer game when I was eight, because he and Bryan were watching a surgery from the viewing window. My dad wasn't supposed to have Bryan there but he pulled a few strings. He always made time for him.

If Bryan was in my chair right now, dad would've been here for the starter salads. "I'm a big boy now mom, I know when I'm being stood up. I should go." I want to see Snow White. She hasn't been feeling too good she said, so I want to bring her over a thing I put together. Platonically of course. "Sawyer," she places a hand on my wrist and shakes her head. She looks so angry. "I'm sorry. I'm so genuinely sorry that he is like this. It's not fair to you." My whole life she's apologized for him. I never accepted any of them. They didn't even come from him, so how could I? "But I'm mostly sorry for myself. That I stood by and watched him choose Bryan over you, I watched as he put you down every chance he got. I tried my hardest to make sure you were loved, but I failed. You didn't deserve his love. He missed out." Tears stream down her face and I just stare at her. For the first time she is telling me what I've prayed to hear, and I feel nothing.

Im grateful that's she's apologized, but it pisses me off that it took twenty plus years to do. I love my mom, but I don't think I can forgive her, and that's what throws me off. I think January has made me realize my worth. "Sawyer?" She wants to me to say something, but I have nothing to say. She is my mother, and I know she loved me and I was loved by her. I am loved by her. But this hurts. She never stopped it, she never left him. They never fought about it. She just started to defend me. I'm thirty two years old and she is just now backing me up. Screw that. The door opens and I hear talking in the foyer. Great. I close my eyes and wait for them to come in. They are laughing. As usual. "And then she said I don't want the surgery, could you imagine?" How are they not sick and tired of hearing about the damn hospital.

  I love my bar, but I don't talk about it twenty four seven. The footsteps grow louder. "What is going on?" Bryan asks. I look up at him, and he is staring at me. Genuine concern passes in his eyes, before turning to my mom. "Is everything alright?" My dad asks my mom. The room is quiet, except for my moms sniffles. I'm waiting for her to make the move. For her to stand up for me. Bryan is looking at me again with pity. What the fuck is up with that? I go to tell him to screw off, but my fathers hands on my shirt cutting me off from speaking. I let out a grunt when my back hits the wall. "What did you do to her!?" He shouts in my face. "Dale!" The look in my fathers eyes is the only other emotion I've gotten. Anger. "Dad!" Bryan places a hand on my fathers shoulder but he shrugs it off.

  He pulls me away so he can slam me back into the wall again. I stay silent. My mom needs to defend me. "Dale! Stop!" I look over his shoulder at her. Her cheeks are wet with tears and Bryan is hugging her shoulders in comfort. "Dad, it's not what you think." My eyes narrow at my brother. He doesn't know what happened. "I was apologizing to him. I was apologizing for being a horrible mother." My moms pained voice causing my father to loosen his grip on me. Bryan's eyebrows pull together in confusing. "What do you mean Mary?" The offence in my fathers voice is strong. "You were, are an amazing mom." He shoots daggers at me, like I told her she was a horrible mom. Like always I don't say a word. "No. I wasn't." This has been long awaited. Bryan takes a step back, giving my mom some space to talk. I need to remember to ask him what he thought was going on here. "Neither were you. You were a shitty father." My fathers head jerks back like he's just been sucker punched.

  "Excuse me. I have been a great father. I raised a successful son, I provided for my family with a high paying job. They get anything they've ever wanted or needed. So don't patronize me Mary." My mom lets out a laugh that's laced with venom. "Exactly my point. You raised A! Son. He gets anything he's ever needed! But because our other son didn't become a fucking doctor! He is less then Bryan. Hell before Bryan was a doctor you treated him differently. You know I pushed another one out after him. You wouldn't know would you because you weren't at the hospital that day. Oh wait, you were. Just not with your wife, but with a patient on another floor." My eyes widen and I step back but I'm already standing against the wall. Bryan looks around our faces. His jaw is practically on the floor.

  He wasn't even at my birth? My father falters with his words. His face is flushed and his hands are shaking with rage. "It's not my fault I didn't bond with him, and anyways he had you." The impact of those words could kill. He didn't care. He never did. I was something he didn't want. I never will be. My moms eyes close and when she opens them again, she looks different. Like she is seeing something, or someone for the first time. "I want a divorce." Bryan lets out an audible gasp. I just stare wide eyed at my dad. Waiting for his reaction. "No you don't." The smallness of his voice is foreign to my ears. "I do." Me and Bryan lock eyes. I don't know what to do, should we leave? He's giving me the same look I'm sure I'm giving him. The look makes him appear younger. Like he's sixteen again being caught with a joint in his room. He doesn't know what to do, or say.

  The room is so loud with unsaid words being passed, a loud silence. "Boys. Leave." I look over at my mom, making sure that's what she wants. "I'll be by later tonight." I nod, understanding even if they work this out, she doesn't want to be here tonight. Bryan is already out of the room. He stands in the driveway, white puffs of air coming from his mouth in fast spurts. It's still cold enough to see your breath at night, but warm enough during the day for just a sweater. He bends down and places his hands on his knees like he's going to puke. I unlocked my car and he jumps back, startled from the sound. "Fuck." He stares at me. I keep walking to my truck, ignoring him. "Can I get a ride?" He must've came with dad. I don't say anything as I hop in and wait. I wait until he realizes I will give him one. He gets in eventually. "You could've just said yes." I look at him. "Yes."

  He curses at me under his breath while he buckles up. The drive back is quiet, not only do we not know what to say to each other on a good day, I just don't think we can process what happened tonight. I pull into his driveway and park. He turns to me and opens his mouth to say something, but "Thanks." Is all he says. I watch until he gets inside and I drive to her. The one thing I've wanted all day, and everyday since I've met her.