January

Twenty two

Sawyer

I sit in my usual spot. Across from my brother. He keeps glancing at everyone around the table, waiting for the first words to be spoken. After a civil dinner. Like so promised my mom I'd have when I arrived. I wait patiently for my father to speak. I don't have much patience for him, but I promised January I'd try. After we had our..talk this morning I told her I would promise her I'd try to be okay when she dies. Okay was all I could muster, because we both know I'll never be happy without her. "Dale." My mom urges my father to speak. He looks up at her, an annoyed look on his face. I push my chair back and go to stand but my father finally speaks. "Sit." A laugh makes it way past my lips, but there is nothing amused about it. "Oh that note, no I think I'll go."

"Son, please." I lower myself onto the chair. I made a promise to the one person who matters. I wait until he speaks again. "I'm sorry for how I treated you." The words feel forced, but I allow them. "And I'm sorry you felt alone." He looks at my mom, almost to get the approval of his words. "But I get help the love I don't feel towards you." The words ring through my ears. Flashes of being in the background, invisible to my father coming crashing towards me all at once. "I understand." My voice is crushed and raspy from all the sobs I've had the past few days. My emotions have been out of wack since I found out about Januarys seven months. "Dale." My mom looks horrified from my fathers confessing. Bryan looks at him than back at me. "Dad." He sounds as hurt as I feel. "Now don't make me feel like a villain."

I keep my gaze down. "I don't want you to be alone when I leave." Well I'm sorry baby, I just might be. I tried. My eyes burn again and I curse myself for being so emotional. "You know." I hear everyone shift to face me, but I don't look up. "I have known January for two and a half months." I will only know her for eight. The reality of it never sinks in. "And she has treated, and loved me better than everyone in this room." Including my mom. I love that woman so much, but I can't forgive her for letting me be treated the way I was. She loved me, but not enough. She saw how sad I was growing up and thought by throwing money at me , and coming to all my events as a child would make it better. It never did. I was always praying she would stand up for me.

She just pretended her family was perfect. I wanna scream "He wasn't even at my birth!" In her face over and over, but I know it wouldn't change a thing. I lift my eyes so I can see their faces. Bryan looks guilty, my mom is a mess, and my father looks. He looks, I'm not even really sure. Bored? Pained? "I loved you. I still love you so much." My mom cries. I grab her hand. "I know. But you never changed it." She squeezes my hand in an apology, because she is crying to hard to speak. "I'm sorry." She manages to say. I'll forgive my mom. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. "Now I think I'll leave." I stand and make my way out. "Ill see you for dinner every Friday at Mo's." I tell my mom. I can't leave this dinner without having someone, and she it kills me to see her in pain."

Bryan studies me, before looking away. "Goodnight." When I get in my truck and drive back towards my home, I take a minute and pull over. I park the car but leave it running. I search for a specific song. When I found by Amber Run plays through the speakers. I stay out into the empty road. A scream rips through my chest. I scream and scream, until my throat burns. I scream until nothing will come out. No tears this time, just angrier. If God is real he must really hate me. First my family, now January. My I've calmed down enough I drive home and practically sprint up the stairs. She lays under the covers. Her lips parted as she takes in audible breaths in between her pink lips. I bend down and kiss her. Then I crawl into bed and lay never to her. "Goodnight Snow White."