January

Twenty eight

Sawyer

I collapse into her. A scream escaping my chest. "NO!" I roar. The machines go off around us but my cries drown them out. "Come back!" Nurses and my brother charge into the room. They turn off the machines and leave me. Except Bryan he stands at the edge of her bed looking pale and lost. "Help her." I beg. He just stares at us. "Help her!" I shout louder. He meets my eyes and falters. "I can't. She's gone." Another scream tears through me. I hold my heart in my arms, but it's not beating anymore. I her more cries and my head snaps to my mother, who is now standing by my brother. "No." She cries. She didn't know she was sick. She must've found out today. When Bryan called her. "Mama." I sound like a little boy again.

She comes to the bed and wipes some of my tears away but she can't wipe away the pain in my chest. "Baby." She looks down at January in my arms, but quickly looks away again. "I'm sorry baby." This isn't real, please. "Come on." She tugs on my hand but I pull away. "I'm not leaving her!" She backs away from my words. "Sawyer." Bryan calls. "I can't let her go!" They leave the room. I cry and cry, until I feel like I'm running out of air. My vision goes dark. She's in my arms. This was a bad dream.

........

The sound of rain hits the windows. Tap...tap...tap. January loved the rain. January. A soft know sounds at my door. "Sawyer?" My mothers voice drowns out the rain and makes me annoyed. I let out a frustrated grunt and turn over. The door clicks shut and I'm alone again. I'll always be alone.

........

I hear the shuffling of foot steps and muffled voices. They haven't left me alone. I just want to be alone. "He can't stay there forever." My brother says. "He needs time." My mother counters. "This is hurting him more then it's helping." More shuffling. "How would you feel!?" The voices grow quiet. I close my eyes and let darkness take me, because when it takes me. I see her.

........

"Sawyer?" Elains voice fills the room. I'm sitting up today and I can tell that I startled her. She has a sandwich in her hand and the other one smooths her shirt over her bump. January would've looked so beautiful pregnant. "Get out." I whisper. "What?" She moves closer to me. "Get out!" Her eyes widen but she doesn't leave. She walks to my end table and places the plate down. I don't look at her. But she still speaks. "Her funeral is Friday. You will be there. She really has no one else." My eyes snap to hers. If looks could kill she would be joining her Friday. She takes the hint and leaves.

........
No one bugged me for two days. But tomorrow is Friday, so they'll be back. Last nights I listened to all her voice memos. It almost felt like she didn't leave. But the left side of my bed is cold and I remember she was in fact gone.

........

Rain hits the window again. Perfect day for her to be remembered. I hate that. Like I'd ever forget her. The blanket is ripped off my body and I'm brought to my feet. I push on my brothers chest until he hits my dresser. "Stop it!" I shout at him. He doesn't let up. I try to sit but down but he pulls me back up. "Fuck off." I head to the bathroom instead but he follows. I shove him he doesn't budge. "You are really going to let her be put to rest alone?" His tone is harsh. "I can't." I grip the sink. He looks disgusted with me."No, you won't." Why is he pretending like he cares. I turn on the shower. It's going to be my first one in a week. Hopefully he takes the hint. "If I go, then she is really gone." And I can't believe she's actually gone. He sighs and places a hand on my shoulder. His tone softer. "If you stay she is just as gone. You will regret it. I'll be downstairs, we leave in an hour." He leaves me and I look up at my reflection. Over grown stubble, purple under eyes, and messy hair.

She would be disappointed in you. A voice says in the back of my head. I get into the shower. An hour later my hand freezes on the door knob. I'm not going to open it until I hear very loud sniffing and clawing on the other side. Linda. She didn't leave me. I open the door and the chocolate lab jumps up into my arms. She looks bigger then I remember. It's only been a week. My mom stands at the end of my staircase. "She wanted to say goodbye." I squeeze my eyes shut. Oh right she has another home waiting for her. I make my way down the steps. I'm met with Bryan, Elain, and my mother. We pile into the cars and make it to the cemetery. A big tent is set up in the middle and my legs almost give out at the site of her casket.

My brother grips my arm and walks side by side with me until we take our seats. I tune out the priest speech. My eyes stay glued on the box that holds my love. My moms holds my hand and people pat my back in apology. When the priest asks if anyone would like to say or leave something with her. I stand. I won't speak, I want to do that when we're alone. I spot Alice standing in the back holding a bag. She walks over to me, tears threaten to fall from her eyes. I take the bag and pull out the ingredients. After I'm finished I plop four cherries into the drink and walk over to her lowering casket. My hand shakes spilling liquid on the ground.

I tip the drink into the hole. "One last one Snow White." After everyone leaves and they bury her I stay. They remove the tent and the cool drops of water run down my neck. "You were the best thing to ever walk into my life. You will own part of my heart for as long as I live, but I want you to know that I'll try to be happy again. I'll try to find love again. But they will never replace you." I bend down and kiss her headstone. It reads. "She was the fairest of them all." I turn. "Goodbye Snow White."