January

Fifteen

January

A knock sounds at me door and I place my plate in the sink before answering. I just finished dinner, and I wasn't expecting anybody. I only ever get one visitor anyways. I walk over to the door and peak out. My heart skips a beat at the sight. Sawyer is standing on my step holding a basket filled with things. "It's not my birthday." I joke and take the basket of goodies out of his grasp. "How am I supposed to know, you won't tell me." He follows me into the kitchen and I look through all the goodies. I pull out ingredients to make a Shirley temple, and a picture of me Linda and him at the park. I insisted on taking a couple of us doing things, so he could have them for when I'm gone. A selfish part of me doesn't want him to forget me. I pull out snacks, peach rings and sour patch kids. Our favourites. "What's all this for?" He leans against the counter and opens the package of peach rings.

"You said you didn't feel well, I thought I'd bring you stuff that will make you happy." He gives me a goofy smile. I walk over and kiss him. "February first." I whisper. A gorgeous sound breaks through his chest, the most beautiful laugh ever. "January, born February first. You're perfect." He stares at me so intensely my legs almost turn to jelly. Where was he years ago, when I was okay. I kiss him again and walk away. Needed to create distance, we're only friends after all. He looks down at his hands. "I needed this. I needed you." God. "Is everything alright?" He looks sad now. I wait for him to answer me. It takes him a minute, I wait. "I saw my family tonight." I take a seat, this is going to be a lot.

We've talked a little about what happened on thanksgiving, but not much. He said he was use to it and that made me more sad. "My mom finally stood up for me, she gave my father shit for how I was treated. I found out he wasn't even at my birth." He laughs, but there is not humour in it. I want to go to his house and punch his father right in his doctor face. How could you not love this man. He is too good for anyone, even me. Especially me. He deserves happiness. Guilt heats the back of my neck. "They fought for awhile and when that didn't change his views, she asked for a divorce." My mouth parts. Normally you would say you're sorry if someone tells you this. But in this case it's a good thing. Well at least for Sawyer. "How do you feel?" I choose to say, because that will help me comfort him in the way he needs it.

He looks at me and smiles. "I finally feel loved." The smile turns into a small cry. It hurts my heart. I walk over to him and wrap my small arms around him. He lies his head on my shoulder. He doesn't cry anymore. I think it was just hard for him to admit. He sniffles and pulls back. "Thank you." I stare into his whiskey eyes. He is thanking me for being here, but I won't be for much longer. He'll be alone again. "Don't thank me, not ever." He holds my face. He looks so far into my eyes I swear he can see my brain. Something passes in his face and he goes to say something. I know what it is and I panic. I take his lips in mine. Willing the confession away. One more night. I promise myself.

He lifts me on the counter and I escape in him. His tastes, his sounds, his touch. All him. He consumes me. We end up back in my room, twisted in the sheets. "You make me feel wanted." He snuggles into me and within the next few minutes he's snoring. Only then do I let the tears out. Our last night. I kiss his head and stare at him for as long as I can before sleep takes over. The next morning I head to the pharmacy to pick up my refill. I left him a note saying his mom called and wanted him to pick her up. Which is true. I just didn't want to be there when he got up. I can't face him again. Last night was my goodbye. I keep telling myself it's the right thing to do. He shouldn't see me when I'm too weak and fragile to do anything. I can already feel that part coming fast and I'm scared. I take the long way home, making sure he is gone. When I get back and his truck is gone, my throat feels dry and my heart hurts, but again. It's for the best.

I walk straight to my room and lie there. I lie for so long, sleep takes me again.