DUSK TILL DAWN , MILEVEN AU

21

i wish i could get a pair of scissors and cut away the fat on my body.

ava asks me why i don't eat lollipops anymore.

how do i break it to her that i can only drink water. i keep fainting in the bathroom.

my marks have dropped but i can't find it in me to cry or breakdown over it either. i'm just disappointed.

el flipped to the next page.

i got rejected from harvard. i'm a failure. they didn't want me.

i'm too fucking stupid for them. i cant do anything right in their eyes. i don't have a fucking purpose.

i'm not worth anything.

what's the point in working so hard for my whole life just to be rejected? why did i put up with all that pain just to be rejected?

why am i still here if i'm so fucking worthless.

i've lost my only purpose. my academic purpose.

i don't mean anything.

i hope they know i just couldn't take it anymore. i cant smile and pretend.

will they mourn me? or mourn over the fact there's no one to cheat off in tests anymore?

let's see. i think it's the second option anyways.

el flipped the page again and gasped inaudibly when she saw the practically empty page.

will blood scatter on the concrete ground when i jump or will they only see my bones?

will i make a sound when i jump? or would i be too light?

would leo see? i want him to know it was him.

i couldn't take the mental pressure but i couldn't take his hits either.

the only thing i'll thank him for is making me realise what i'm worth.

and that's nothing.

♬

"you're leaving?" el asked sadly as she walked downstairs and found mike by the door, about to leave.

mike smiled at her appearance. messy hair with a blanket wrapped around herself tiredly.

"yeah.. i'll be back by 5, i promise you," he told her as she nodded sadly and went to hug him.

"i'm gonna miss you," she whispered as he wrapped his arms around her. "don't cry, el. fuck, you're gonna make me cry. now i don't wanna go," he chuckled as she sniffled and shook her head.

pulling back, she looked up at him. "i'm sorry. it's just.. you've been with me everyday and i'm gonna miss you.. sorry,"

he cupped her face and gently caressed her cheeks. "i'll be back so soon, you'll barely realise i'm gone."

"but i will," her voice cracked as her bottom lip trembled. "what am i gonna do without you," she admitted honestly as all sorts of thoughts ran through her head.

"you're my memory source," she chocked out and leaned back into him with a sob. "i'm sorry, i just.. i'll miss you,"

"fuck," he breathed out and hugged her tightly as he felt tears form in his own eyes.