Tea Parties in Boston

8 - Oh, Brother

January 25th, 2017, Kensington, London / Scarsdale

It was late and Logan should've been fast asleep. He had an early morning flight to catch - a business trip to Munich with a day full of meetings ahead of him. Yet after he'd gotten home an hour ago, eaten some take-away sushi Odette had left for him from the fridge and gulped down a small light beer to extinguish his thirst, he wasn't really feeling like climbing into bed with her.

Now that they'd actually decided to give this a try, after a year of keeping things casual, it did feel like cheating to climb into bed with her when his mind was somewhere else completely.

Before he'd left his office he'd been on the phone with Rory for almost an hour and just like at Christmas when he'd been to the States, she'd enforced her opinion that she didn't want him turning his life around for her, her self-esteem not exactly being at her highest either, and that doing that for the baby was something he needed to think about carefully. She'd never once said he couldn't be a part of the baby's life - but she had a number of valid concerns already then and he didn't blame her. Her concerns were valid. And her bringing these things up was not trying to convince him to stay away, but simply looking for assurance.

They'd both taken a month to think about things and then talk again. And now, as expected Ror mind had thought out tens of further concerns. Among other things she was concerned about him being there but being absent - geographically mostly, about the influence of the Huntzberger clan on the baby's well-being and the possible shame the child, would feel once their circumstances would become clear to him or her. Rory knew first hand what something like that felt like and no matter how much Logan had tried to convince both of them that times were different, in the high society circles reputations and scandals like this still mattered. So much, in fact, that they could destroy careers, companies and reputations if handled the wrong way.

Logan now sat at his desk, having just stared at the ultrasound photograph in front of him, thinking over one particular train of thought Rory had shared with him tonight.

"What if something happens to you and your family contests my share of the custody? They could take her away from me, all the way across the ocean. They're the ones with the good lawyers and resources to care for her. What if they just have my background checked or even forge evicendence and make me look like an unfit mother. Here I am, jobless and homeless and... depressed...," Rory had listed, sounding very upset. Naturally she wasn't really jobless nor homeless - it was just her definition of her situation, which was more than a little self-critical. "They might even present you with such evidence and convince you that you're filing for full custody to protect the baby," she'd added, inhaling sharply, barely holding it together.

Logan would've loved to just reply that she was being ridiculous - that she was overreacting or paranoid, but he knew she wasn't. He had himself told her stories how his family had dealt with a number of scandalous situations if they needed to clean things up or get their way. Even if they didn't do things like that, threats of those things would be always hanging above her head. Threats of shame and someone continuing to tell her time and time again, when she did become into contact with them, how she wasn't good enough would always be within grasp if his family became aware of this.

So here Logan was, indeed considering doing the thing most people would've blamed him for heartlessness and irresponsible behavior. But it was far from something he wanted to do... He couldn't even say it.

He had no doubts Rory would be an incredible mother, and sure - he knew that if it came to it he would insist she get help she needed to climb out of her low point. It was just rough out there and one was allowed to stumble before finding her way again. He was actually seeing this as a negotiation tactic if he were to be honest about it - ensure he stayed out of it if she promised to take his money and get all the help she needed - therapy, college, a job - whatever she needed. But this was a result of desperately pushing his own feelings aside and trying to think about this rationally. He couldn't allow himself to feel all the emotions associated with this, it would hurt too much if they were then moments later just taken away. It was easier to not think about something that didn't look like it was meant to be.