Tea Parties in Boston

54 - Things Left Undone

Chapter 54

December 8th, 2022, Boston

"And now I have the life that I've always wanted. I have a daughter that I actually have a relationship with. I am seeing Rory and I can just tell already that I am falling for her hard... with her it's like there's never been an alternative to falling for her even, it's just the natural course of things," Logan explained, finishing telling his therapist for the better part of an hour all the twists and turns that he had felt he needed to understand about his situation.

He was paying this man 250 dollars an hour, and so far all he'd done was talk - his story being decades long and complicated, getting just a few 'Uh-huh'-s and directing questions from the man in return. It was nothing he hadn't been through before and none of the questions he'd been asked had been something he hadn't anticipated. He was honestly beginning to think this was a complete waste of time.

"May I be so bold as to inquire why you think you're here today?" the therapist asked after a moment's pause.

"Well... obviously I don't think I'm conflicted. I have this incredible chance at a do-over basically and all things considered I don't feel like I deserve it," Logan replied, his elbows leaning onto his knees, while continuing to speak with his hands like he'd developed a tendency in his business circles over the years.

"Could you elaborate on that? Why don't you think you deserve - let's put it boldly - happiness?" he asked. Logan liked the man for his no-bullshit kind of attitude, it oozed off of him even though he did search for words just like any therapist did.

"Why did Odette have to get sick and die for me to have this chance? How is it possible that I can just absorb back into my daughter's life without her resenting me? Everything is too easy... I keep expecting obstacles to arise - I expect everything to be ripped from my hands. After all the mistakes I've made I don't deserve easy," Logan spit out, being obviously angry at himself.

"Sounds to me like you blame a lot of the things that happened on yourself," the therapist commented.

Logan shrugged.

Logan could guess where the therapist was headed with this. That he hadn't been alone in his relationships, that the mistakes were not just his alone - and how several things, such as Odette getting sick, had been completely out of his control. He knew that the relationship could've deteriorated in those past two years even without the disease. Maybe in theory he could've been back in the same place he was now regardless? But thinking rationally wasn't working for him right now, mostly he just wanted to stop anticipating everything to crash and burn because of some ominous superstition. He was not a religious man nor one to believe in faith or karma - at least so he'd thought. He knew how ridiculous his thoughts sounded out loud, but he just couldn't shake them.

"There are no guarantees in life. Perfect relationship can be turned upside down just like the poor ones. And with children - all I can say at this moment is that a lot of what they feel is just not expressed and can come up later in life. Their ability to express what they feel is just very limited in this age. So she may very well accuse you of your absence when she's slamming a door to your face when she's 15 and you've told her she can't go out wearing something inappropriate," the therapist continued.

"Yes, but how can I stop myself from overthinking this? Self-sabotaging this? How can stop feeling guilty?" he added, the latter in connection to memories of Odette.

"There's no magic cure. But one thing you can do is not think of the obstacles to come as something uncertain - they will arise, big and small - they rise in any relationship. So instead of worrying about them you take them as granted and focus on the methods to deal with them. Communication - as usual is the key here. For some people it may mean taking every precaution with life insurance, for some wise cautious investments. And when it comes to feeling unfairness concerning your past, your wife... What in my experience sometimes helps people is honoring their memory somehow. One of my clients made a sizable donation, both time and money to their spouses favorite charity, started a fellowship, or in some cases it can be something as simple as taking a moment every year to remember them by listening to their favorite song. Just because the marriage wasn't traditional, not that all-consuming love like you yourself put it, doesn't mean she wasn't important. So what I can suggest, not that it's a cure-all, is to try to think of what was the one thing she wanted most in life? Maybe this way even if she can't be a part of it, her dream will still have a chance to come true?" the therapist suggested, making Logan frown.