AGS 4: The Best Man's Wedding

Chapter 30: Unexpected Proposal

Ten going eleven years old ako noong ginawa ko ang kagagahan kong 'yon kay Clark. It was just a kiss—kisses—and I was stupid to hope for something between us.

But then again, I was expecting Clark to return my feelings, but my expectations failed me big time.

He ghosted me. Ni wala man lang assurance na, "Bata ka pa, hindi pa tayo puwede. Paglaki mo na lang saka natin ituloy 'to." Basta umiwas na lang siya.

Isang araw, okay pa kami. he promised na hindi siya galit, then all of a sudden . . . he was . . . avoiding me. Ten years old, and you wondered why the guy you spent your childhood with avoided you without any valid reason. Though, I didn't see that kiss—those kisses—as a destructive path towards our separation kasi hindi naman abuse, hindi harmful, hindi deadly—you know? It was just a freaking kiss. And everything . . . everything messed up.

That was the reason why hindi ako umasa sa kanya kahit pa noong nakabalik na 'ko sa Pilipinas.

He broke my heart and he wasn't sorry for leaving me behind. At kung balikan man niya 'yon, uulitin pa raw niya ang ginawa niya. Hindi ko na paplastikin ang sarili ko na hindi ko dinamdam 'yon kahit malalaki na kami.

Even noong graduation ni Leo. Alam kong natatandaan niya 'ko. I could see that look in his eyes that he remembered me, but he said, "Hindi ko siya matandaan." Saka siya umiwas.

But he couldn't fake it that long. Well, he faked it longer than expected. I was thinking before na baka after a week, maging ka-close na ulit niya 'ko, but it took us half a decade to go back to where we were before. And it took me a literal decade to, at least, be civil with him.

One of those saddest moments in my life when the boy who once made me feel special became a stranger to me.

Madaling sabihin na nakalimutan niya 'ko, pero siya rin ang nagbibigay ng dahilan para maramdaman kong hindi. O siguro nahihirapan din siyang itago kasi may attempts ng paglapit pero parang takot siyang hawakan ako hindi gaya noon.

"Alam mo, Sab, maninigas ka lang sa lamig dito."

Nasa living room slash library niya 'ko kasi nga pinagtatawanan niya ang reaction ko sa inamin niya.

He's my first kiss kasi maharot akong bata. But it was a surprise that I'm his first kiss too. Although, that time, wala naman siyang girlfriend and focused siya sa studies. Pero hindi ko akalaing noong mga time na akala ko tulog siya, alam pala niya ang ginagawa ko. And he considered that his first.

Lalo kong niyakap ang bath towel na pangkumot ko sana saka umismid sa kanya. Sumiksik pa ako sa sulok ng sofa para umiwas.

"Sab."

"Matulog ka na nga sa kuwarto mo," naiiritang utos ko.

"Paano ako makakatulog, nandito ka."

"Nakakatulog ka naman before nang wala ako, di ba?"

"Oo nga. Pero ikaw, hindi ka makakatulog nang maayos nang wala ako."

Fuck.

Hindi ako nakasagot. I just glared at him as he walked near me. I rolled my eyes and stared at the kitchen across my seat.

"Sab, late na. Gagawa pa 'ko ng contract mo paggising."

I glanced at him when he kneeled in front of me.

"Just sleep. Kaya kong matulog mag-isa—ah!" I yelled out of shock when he grabbed my legs and pulled me near him. "Clark, what the fuck!"

My hands landed on his bare shoulders at muntik pang magtama ang mga mukha namin. Napandilatan ko tuloy siya, at hindi ko alam kung ipagpapasalamat kong patay ang ilaw at street lights lang after ng bakod ang liwanag namin, kasi dodoble lang ang kahihiyan ko mula pa kanina. Ang lamig pero ang init ng pisngi ko.