Author's POV:
The dinner was done. Soon everyone left to their respective rooms. After making sure, that there was no one, Noor came out of her room. She went to the study. The study belonged to her father. He was a teacher and also he had a huge collection of books. After him, the study belonged to Noor. Nikhat was never fascinated with it but Noor loved it to death. That was the place where she could find solace every time. And nobody other than Noor was allowed there.
She slowly opened the door and got inside after closing the door behind her. She didn't switch on the lights. She went to the cupboard and took out a cloth. That was her father's shirt. She put it on and sat down near the window. The only source of light in the room was the moonlight.
"Maine sahi kiya na Abba.."
She asked looking at nowhere to be precise.
"Main unhe kabhi nahin batana chahti thi.. Par pata nahin kaise, I just lost my control over my mind aur sab boldia unhe.. It wasn't meant to be said to them."
She continued.
"Mujhe khud nahin pata main kab yahan se chali jaungi, aise main unhe aise guilt main rakh ke jaana is not good, right?"
She took a pause.
"Iss liye maine wohi kiya jo mujhe sahi laga. I faked some more. Unhe ye yakin karwaya ki sab thik ho gaya hain ya phir ho sakta hain. I gave them the hope and I am sure woh issi ke saath bahut khush honge.."
Taking some deep breaths she continued,
"I tried to behave like the old Noor. Par nahin, sab kuch itni jaldi, ek hi din mein thik nahin ho sakta. Barson ka ghav hain bharne ke liye waqt lagega, bahut waqt."
"Akele rehne ki aadat hain mujhe, ab logo ke beech ghutan si mehsus hoti hain. Loneliness is my best friend. Yeh jo walls hain, guarding my heart, aaj inhi ke wajah se main zinda hoon. Main inhe aise hi tootne nahin de sakti. Yeh anxieties meri hain, main kisi aur ko inhe nahin saunp sakti."
She took the photo frame from the side table which had the four of them.
"Aap dono se bahut kuch kehna chahti hoon par yeh bhi janti hoon ki aap samajh nahin paoge, kaisa lagta hain har waqt jor jor se apni dhadkanein sunna, kabhi bhi breathless ho jana, khali jagah par bhi ghutan mehsoos hona, sab kuch dhoondhla nazar aana, anxious feel karna."
"Ab yahin sab to meri duniya hain. Aap ko lagta hain yeh bohat easy hain, it's just as simple as stress. Iss liye aap kehte hain, chinta mat kar, stop taking stress, don't worry. But you know what, it doesn't calm down my anxieties, it increases it more. Please stop making me feel that I make an issue out of nothing as it's this simple. That my anxieties are barely anything, stop making that. Aap ko nahin pata ki mujhe kaisa lagta hain and also I never want you to go through that. It's not something you want to feel."
"So just stop. Stop pitying me. Stop making it seem so simple when it's not. Just tell me it's okay. It's okay to feel this way. I will come out of this more stronger."
The facade of being strong did make her feel angry and helpless sometimes. She wanted someone to hold her but she didn't knew who that could be.
She felt as if she had no one. No one who could understand her. No one to hold her. No one to call her own.
Noor clutched the shirt tight. She could still feel the warmth in the shirt. She took a sniff of it. It gave her the feeling she craved. A feeling like home. She closed her eyes and kept her head on her knees trying to infuse the feeling in every pore of her being. This was her personal heaven. A place to find solace. A place to feel belonged.
And it did come. Slowly, it did.
