murky waters | carl grimes¹

25. blood

The ice-cold water rushed over my hands as I scooped up more to throw on my face, Martin's blood clung to my skin reminding me that I was a monster. The blood refused to come off no matter how hard I scrubbed at it. It was taunting me.

I frantically threw water on my face, over and over again, and the blood wasn't coming off. "Len, hey," Carl noticed my outburst and came running over to me. My shaking hands reached back down into the water but Carl grabbed them, I watched as water flung into the air and sprinkled over the two of us. "What's wrong," he asked as he pulled me away from the water.

"It's not coming off," I shivered, the mix of the cold weather and  water chilled me to my bone. My fingers flew to my face and I felt the sticky blood still on my cheek, I dug my fingernails into my skin as I attempted to scrape it off. 

Carl once again grabbed my hands, this time he didn't release them, he kept them captive crossed against my chest. "Len, there isn't anything there" Carl grunted as I tried to free my hands from him. 

I tried to pull my hands from him but he was too strong, "please, I can feel it, I want it off, I can feel it," I repeated. Not matter how hard I pulled Carl didn't let go of my hands. He didn't see what I did to Martin, he didn't watch as I slammed a person's head into the side of a table over and over again until his blood made his head slip from my grip. I didn't even kill him before I did it, he felt every single blow to the head. 

This was his way of getting back at me, he left his mark on me, he permanently cursed me with his blood. "Stop fighting me, just stop moving, Len, listen to me. There is nothing on your face, you have to trust me," Carl released one of his hands and reached into his pocket. He opened the knife to relieve a freshly cleaned and polished blade. 

With all of his strength and pulled me between his legs and pushed his knees in to try to keep my still, then he held up the knife and moved is close to my face. My eyes narrowed as I tired to focus on what he was showing me, in the blade there was a very small blurry reflection of me. "Look, there isn't anything on your face," Carl said between heavy breaths. I finally stopped flaring my arms around and took the knife from his hands. 

Slowly I brought the blade closer to my face, I studied the reflection, slowly moving it to see every inch of my face. Carl was right, there was nothing there. There wasn't even any blood left in my hair. After I was satisficed with my search I shut the knife and handed it back to Carl. 

I didn't move, I don't think my arm would have supported me if I used to lift myself onto my feet. Carl didn't try to move me either, he relaxed his knees and moved my hair to one side of my shoulder. Once he cleared the one side he rested his chin on my shoulder and wrapped his arms around my torso. It felt secure. 

"What was that?" He asked me, I felt every word he spoke as his jaw bounced off of me. 

"I don't know, a panic attack maybe," I replied, I didn't want to think about it. The whole time I felt that I couldn't breath, I don't remember half of the things I said nor do I want to. I haven't felt that way in a long time. 

Carl was silent as he waited for me to try to explain. "I wanted to kill him," I confessed, "Gareth at first, back at Terminus but when I saw how he- Martin, was holding onto Talia something snapped," I recalled the moment. Martin knew what he was doing, he was going to kill her to get a reaction out of us. He didn't care that she was a little girl, he didn't care that she meant so much to me. 

"You didn't see me do it, Carl," I exhaled, "I didn't stop, I just kept beating his head into.. into," I felt my voice crack as a tear ran down my face. I felt Carl squeeze his arms around me to remind me that he was still there. "I wanted him to suffer and he did. I'mma monster," I finished, I shut my eyes tightly to stop the tears from falling down my face. 

Carl's silence scared me, he could agree with me. I am a monster and the only reason Talia didn't run away from me was because she had no where to go. When I woke up this morning she was already gone with Glenn as they were preparing to leave. She didn't want to see me. And I didn't blame her. 

He didn't say anything but he stayed put, his arms wrapped strongly around me, his head stayed resting on my shoulder. He didn't make any effort to continue the conversation as we sat there in silence. 

I wouldn't want to talk to me either.