murky waters | carl grimes¹

26. shelter

"you like him"

The wooden plank shook against my hands as Carl pounded another nail in with a candlestick holder. The golden tin pinged each time as Carl beat it against the side of the church. Preparing for most of the group to go off to save Beth took nearly a whole day. We had to dismantle the church's insides to create protection for the outside. 

This was the only way we could make sure the alive and the dead would stay out while we had some of our strongest group members heading into the city. 

 I wasn't allowed to go:

"I want you to stay back," Rick had pulled me aside, he watched as the rest of the group checked Noah out, "I know Carl can protect them but I know you can," he ran his hand through his growing hair. Both Rick and Carl had allowed their hair to grow out since the prison, the more wild their hair was the more they fit into this world. 

"I can help out there, I want Beth back just as much, I know Talia wants her back too. I can help," I fought back but I kept my voice down. I didn't want anyone else's opinion. This matter was between me and Rick. 

Rick shook his head as his hand went from his hair to his face. He was frustrated with me. Not only did he have to deal with his own son going against most of his orders but he also had to deal with me. "If you stay here, I know you would do anything to keep them safe," Rick hinted at the memory of me killing Martin. Shivers ran down my spin at the thought of me snapping like that again. 

I was triggered so easily. This group meant the world to me and I wasn't going to allow anyone to take it. Someone suggesting they would hurt Talia sent me into a spiral. I became someone I didn't know. Luckily, I was able to come back to humanity but I didn't know how long that would last. What if one day I don't come back? 

"She can't see me like that again," my voice was now a whisper, I looked up at Rick, "she can't," I repeated. Talia was still acting off, I didn't know if it was because Glenn left with Abraham or if it was the fact that those people had Carol and Beth. She just got Daryl back and he was leaving again. Or maybe it was me. I was pretty sure it was me despite Carl's constant reassurance that it wasn't. 

Rick's face said it all, he understood. Carl has seen Rick turn into a whole other person multiple times now, while Carl could understand his father's actions more clearly because he was older, the thought that his son viewed him as a monster still hit hard. "That's why you can't go out there with us, say things don't go smoothly, you come back in the same state as that night," Rick was convincing but my gut told me staying here was the same thing as doing nothing. No matter what argument I had for Rick, he found some way to counter it. 

 And that's how I ended up staying at the church with Carl, Gabriel, Judith, Talia, and Michonne. 

Though as soon as I found out Michonne was staying I tried to fight with Rick again but I was quickly shut down. 

Noah came up from behind me, "here let me help you with that," he grinned as helped raise the next board to the window. As soon as Noah had it steady he nodded at me to let it go, he was about Carl's height and he didn't have to stand on his tippy-toes to hold it in place. 

"Thank you, I did not want to be taken out by a board in this life. That would be kind of a boring way to go," I entertained him as he took over my job. 

"That would be devasting. Although it'd be a lot better if you didn't get taken out of this world at all," he looked back at me and smile. 

I smiled back before turning on my heels and went to go find Tyreese and Talia.