My Lieutenant (Pt2)

Chapter Eleven

"Here you go - milk and two sugars."

Connie stood before me smiling as she gratefully accepted the cup of coffee taking a seat in the open plan living room. I took a seat opposite as I moved some of Bodhis football gear and toys to the side. 

"You have a beautiful home my dear." Connie looks around taking in the glistening clean house with Bodhis toys scattered around. I follow her eyes that have landed on the pictures on the sideboard. 

A silence ensues as she watches from her seat before finally speaking. "You also have a beautiful family."

I nod and smile before lifting my cup of coffee to my lips. The guilty feeling surfaces again and I can see that Connie's watching me closely and intently. It's like she can see beyond the bullshit and facade that I emulate. She knows.

"Talk to me sweetheart. I came by to see you and make sure you're still on track."

I put my cup down and sag down into the couch feeling that emptiness and regret again.

"I have all this beautiful stuff" I gesture around to everything in the house. "But that beautiful family has been ruined by my actions and for some reason I can't seem to stop myself anymore. I am addicted to being destructive now god dammit. What's wrong with me Connie?"

Tears fall instinctly and I begin to feel the physical pain of what has happened. I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest. Connie moves to my side and hands me a tissue holding me close to her and gently soothing my hair.

"Sweetheart, listen to me now. You're a gorgeous, successful woman who is a wonderful mother and from what I heard an incredible partner."

I pull back slightly looking at Connie in disbelief.

"What do you mean heard? Who - who did you talk to? When?"

Connie smiles reassuringly, putting me at ease that what she had heard is positive.

"Samantha. After you passed out during visiting hours, she argued with everyone refusing to leave your side. She was determined to stay and make sure that you woke up with her and Bodhi by your side. That woman is madly in love with you Dani. She told me that herself. She was honest, raw and vulnerable Dani and told me that she would love you unconditionally for the rest of her life. She wants to marry you sweetie however, she needs to know you choose her as she feels second choice now."

Tears stream down my face as each word delivers a blow to the stomach. Why am I like this? Why did I feel like my heart would be safe with Sloane?!

Connie helps me pull myself togegher and I feel enternally grateful. She has become a real mother figure in my life. Taking care of me and looking out for my best interests. Over the time in rehab, she became more than a sponsor and house calls were definitely not part of the duty.

I hate lying to her but I know I cannot reveal what's happened with Sloane. Even though Connie is a beautiful, non judgmental soul I can't help but judge myself for what I have done. I begin to reflect on everything Connie has revealed long after she leaves that afternoon and I being to feel like I am getting some clarity on the situation. For so long I've felt like my vision has been blurred and nothing has been very clear for me between the decision I had to make between Sloane and Sam. Sam. Gosh I wish she would just get angry. Show me she wants me. Not practically push me into Sloane's arms! Who does that?!

*******

I hear the vibrations of my phone and see messages from Sloane as I apply my lip gloss. I look in the mirror at my wavy curls, light touch of makeup that gives me confidence and my all black jeans, top and denim jacket with my doc martens. I smile into the mirror preparing myself for tonight before heading out to the taxi and replying to the consistent messages that are non stop. I huff as my phone continues to bing before putting it on silent and shoving it in my bag.

As the car moves through the city traffic and I can't help but focus on the beauty of this city. I reflect on the memories here and how much I've changed from being a lonely, single mother struggling to get a degree and then throwing it all away because of a stupid, irrational and immature decision.

I catch glimpses of memories passing the university where I met Sam, the hospital I had Bodhi, my first flat with my son and finally the flower shop Sam got me flowers from every single week we've been together. Those flowers were no longer given to me but the vase in the hallway near the door had a weekly change which made me think she still kept up our little tradition. She always treated me like a queen.

The car stops outside a tall, golden building and I look at the time. I'm late. Nothing new there. Some things never change. I rush to the ticket booth to grab a ticket and head into the towering building with flashing fluorescent lights enticing me into my potential future inside.

I walk down the neverending steps to the front my heart pounding out of my chest as I think about how natural this feels. I glance around for a familar face and finally my eyes find an overexcited little boy pointing to the screen in front of him. Popcorn clearly and confidentially finding it's way to the floor as he talked frantically to Sam about the movie before it started as she nodded and smiled at his excitement.

As I approach them, I feel confident this is where I want to be tonight. This is WHO I want to be with. I catch Sam's deep blue eyes and the brightest smile I've ever seen breaks out and I instantly know I've made the right decision as she gives me a genuine look before she redirects Bodhi's attention to me.

He barrels towards me and give him a cuddle and kiss before taking my seat with Bodhi between us. Bodhi munches on his Popcorn as the lights go down and I hear a faint whisper from Sam.

"I'm really happy you're here D. We've missed you."

Happy? That I'm here? What could that mean? Does she still want me? 'We've' missed you? Will she want to get back together. No matter what I know I will fight for her.

******

The whole afternoon Connie's words replayed in my head but I knew that  Sam was the only woman that stayed and refused to leave my side. That's what I needed and what my son needs. Not someone that disappears when things get tough.

Sam catches my eyes and I give her a smirk hoping it indicates to her that I chose her. I wanted her. I couldn't break the eye contact and either did she it seems so I said the three words I couldn't say in about a month now as I didn't want to hurt anyone.

"I love you Sam."