Love and Food

xvi: the cold and the wind

The next few days were when the weather was colder than usual, and Cecilia suddenly felt cold and hollow now. It was hard for her to really take care of herself now, she would end up crying and distancing herself from others.

Her grades started to take a toll around this time and she was struggling so much.

All she could think about now was Evan.

He texted her to check up on her, but she constantly felt like a failure to him. Yet, he was still somewhat nice to her.

It was one night when he texted her.

"Cosmo, you up?"

Cecelia looked over at the clock. It was two in the morning.

Evan started calling her Cosmo about a few days after they start texting. She thought it was Cosmo from the Fairly OddParents. But, it was Cosmo from chainsaw man.

She felt her heart pitter patter and her eyes seemed so numb.

"What's up?"

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine."

No she wasn't.

"Doesn't seem like it. You're normally sleeping by now."

She sighed.

"There's just a lot on my mind."

"About?"

"What happened."

"Nothing happened."

There he is again.

"You didn't do anything."

"I just..."

"Nevermind, if you say it's nothing, it's nothing."

She started to cry again.

Why did she feel this way? She never felt like this at all for anybody before. One things for sure, she is sick in the head. This must be a case of Stockholm Syndrome or something like that.

It was going to be hard to ever see him again like this. It feels like she's a crazy person.

Yet, it's always him that reaches out, always him that wants to talk, but Celia just knows that every time they talk that the conversation is going to go another way, and then awkward. She was so scared to say the wrong thing, and would scare him away.

But, at least she get to see Joseph tomorrow.

Suddenly, it felt like none of the dreams that she would fall asleep to, for Joseph worked anymore. She felt the feeling above slowly drift away from him.

It was harder than usual to sleep. She grabbed a notebook and started to write a poem.

my mind knows that it's wrong
but my heart has a want
a want for something that grows with love
and somebody that i can trust

When she wrote those words, she originally thought of Joseph, but the thought of Evan started to slowly seep into her mind.

Get him out of your head. He doesn't want you for that. He doesn't want you for you.

Yes, the signals seems so mixed with both of them.

But, who is the one that her heart is really craving for?

Cecilia woke up the next morning, her tears were dried up in her eyes. That hollow feeling still lingered though.

And of course it has to happen as finals near.

Studying didn't seem to be the same.

It was like she lived on autopilot now, and everyday seemed less and less fun like it used to be.

"I feel bad." Cecilia admitted to Evan over text.

"What do you mean?"

"It's just about... you know. You actually caught me off guard."

"With what?"

"I fully expected you to take advantage of me."

"Why?"

"You seemed like you would. But, you didn't. Why?"

"Cosmo."

The phone went dead for a bit.

"Why would I do that? You obviously weren't ready. You should've looked at yourself. If I didn't know, then I would think you were a crazy person. Do you expect people to take advantage of you? And you let them?"

Cecilia just wanted to throw herself off of a cliff. He was right, because he was the first guy that did not take advantage of her. And, it was shocking.

"It's not that I let myself, they just can't accept no."

"But still, cosmo. That's not good for you."

I know, damnit. Cecilia thought.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Ok."

Damn, that hurt.

Cecilia just laid there, full of many emotions. It felt so bad but yet so good.

The next day, both Joseph and Evan were at her beckoning call.

Joseph asked her if he could study with her late at night and do the homework together.

While Evan was telling her that she is doing well. Despite her health not in the best condition.

It was a toxic trait of Cecilia to have her self esteem based off of the way a male treated her. If they treated her like shit, then she felt like shit, always wondering where things went wrong and at times, even doing actions that are not the best to admit out loud.

If guys treated her good, then she felt like a princess. She felt loved, respected, deserved. It would all end though, as they only wanted her for attention or for homework. She knew the drill.

But, two guys for her at the same time felt like she was in a movie. Like, all was going well, just like Evan said to her.

She just tried to push through. Evan was making sure that she was still ok. It all started as a "what are you doing?" And after that, it would all turn south. Cecilia was scared to admit what she was actually doing, and would just say the most out of pocket thing that she could think of. Sometimes, basic.

Evan would get mad at her and see that she didn't wanna talk, but she really did. She was just scared of the fact that she would scare him away.

One thing that he said to her rang through her mind constantly.

"There will be a day where I will say I love you to you."

It doesn't seem like that would happen, not with him.

But, maybe it could be.

It's like he claimed her as his.

Her heart is complicated and distracted.

Yet beneath all the cold and the wind...

There is warmth lying around somewhere.