Alina

Dmitri

These past 3 days have been awful. I'm honestly so lost. It's like I've been on autopilot since Alina's death. What's happening to me?

I get sad whenever I think of her, which is actually a lot.
I've started to smash things and yell at everyone who talks to me in an attempt to stop this, this, pain? Is that what this is? Pain? Mourning? I've never cared about this girl in my life. Why now? How, even in death, is this girl still bothering me? I swear to god, if we weren't working to gain control in Canada, I'd be going crazy over this.

Things with Alexei are fine. Our relationship, I've come to realize, was better when our sister was alive. Whenever we're together, there's an undeniable feeling of awkwardness in the atmosphere. We both know what we want to talk about but don't want to say it. And if I told him how I'm feeling, he'd be like "I told you so" or whatever, and I really don't need or want his stupidity and arrogance right now.

Just the other day, I saw a little girl laughing with 2 boys who I assumed to be her brothers. They drank hot chocolate in a cafe and she sat on one of their laps. I wondered if that could've been me and my siblings.

That's something I envy about the Lombardis. Everyone knows they care for each other deeply. You can literally search the family up and you could see paparazzi pictures of them laughing and smiling with one another. The public loves them yet fears them the same. They have a golden reputation they continue to uphold with not a speck of dirt to their name. I want more than their power and influence, I want the happiness they have as well, or at least I think I do.

I really need to stop having thoughts like this. I've been thinking about why getting rid of Alina was good for me and Alexei. But it's getting harder and harder to ignore the voice that's telling me that it wasn't. That it was somehow a mistake that Alexei got rid of her.

If the Lombardis lost someone they love, the entire world would feel their wrath. Their pain turns to anger, everyone knows that. Behind their smiles are true psychos.

With Alina's death, it feels like I lost a part of myself. Maybe the part that could feel things other than anger and frustration.

I've thrown myself into my work. It's been 3 days but it feels like it's been months. I hate sleeping now too. Whenever I close my eyes, I see her face. She's smiling and laughing then. It's just a figment of my imagination though. I wish I could've given her that.
I took my anger out and pain on something so rare in this world, something so pure and innocent. I justified the pain we gave her with the excuse that we were making her stronger. I convinced myself of that every single time we hurt our sister.

I realize now that an angel was born into a family of devils. Alina brought light to our dark world and we put out that light because my brother and I didn't want to feel what we were. What we were was afraid.

When I try to convince myself that her death was for the best, that she was put out of her misery, that my brother and I got rid of our weakness, I think of those times when I'd hold her trembling body in my arms on the cold concrete floor of her room.

I look back on those times and realize that they were some of my fondest memories. When I ignored the mafia and focused on the little girl in my arms. My sister. I could never feel the warmth of another's body outside that little room. Sometimes, when I felt so alone, I'd go down to her in the middle of the night. She'd always be asleep while I held her against my chest, taking in the comfort her presence gave me. I was so ashamed of it, I'd delete the security camera footage and the next day beat her harder. I wanted her to feel just as alone as I did.

When I have children one day, I will have a daughter and name her after my sister. It's so childish and immature. God, I feel like a teenage girl making a note of what she'll name her kids.
I will treat my daughter like the princess she'll be. I want to be better. That's a good thing I suppose. Wanting to be better in the future.

I watched this woman's video on the internet that literally explained my feelings so well that I smashed the computer screen and chucked it at the wall.

Alexei made me tell father of his daughter's death earlier today. He hates him with a burning passion and tries to speak with him as little as possible. My brother will happily dance on his grave when he dies.

When I told my father, his reaction truly surprised me. He said,
"And? I thought this was something important." Then he hung up.

I at least thought that he'd have some sort of reaction. Maybe even defend Alexei's actions. I know my father is a heartless, psychotic asshole, but I didn't realize the extent of his cruelty that he wouldn't even mourn his own child.

I hate Alina more every hour that passes. The feelings that I've pushed away for years are all completely coming out now all at once. I've never spoken how I did on the plane and since then, all of my feelings have just appeared with a big "f you Dmitri Ivanov." Why can't I kill these feelings just like how Alexei killed her?

My thoughts are clashing with each other. I think of the "good" memories I had with her. Thinking of wanting to be better. Thinking of naming my goddamn child after her. I feel these things, then think of the pure hatred I have for my sister.

I wish we had just forgotten her in that basement and let the Italians do their thing.

The Lombardis burned the estate to the ground after they got everything they needed. Alina's room was so hidden that no one could find it without us leading the way. Maybe she would've burned in that house. Maybe her cold prison would finally fill with warmth and she'd pass knowing what the sun felt like.