The Big Book of Bad Advice

Bathroom Talk

Bad advice #31:

It's time we have a little talk about... bathrooms. And how to make them as sanitary, convenient, and cost-effective as possible!

Just kidding!!! In this guide you will learn a few simple tricks to make people's lives in the first world a little less clean and convenient.

Trick #1: Door handles

Make sure that you are able to push the door open with your foot or elbow to enter the bathroom. But when you have done your business and washed your hands, make sure everyone has to grab the dirty handle to pull the door open to leave. That way, the germs of people who didn't wash their hands gets all over your hands. Of course, this problem could be completely avoided by switching the door around, but that would be too practical and we can't have that.

Trick #2: Stall doors

When setting up a bathroom stall, make sure the door goes into the small space so you have to wedge yourself into the tiny cubicle, rubbing against the graffiti-ed walls and the toilet before you can wrench the door shut past your leg. This problem can be avoided by once again switching the door around. But that wouldn't be a challenge. And what's life without challenge?

Trick #3: Annoying faucets

Make sure to install those faucets that you have to constantly press down to allow water to come out. These faucets will ensure your hands are even more gross after you washed them than before. Additionally, when they get broken from many frustrated people slamming them down in futile hopes of the water coming out for more than three seconds, they will continuously spew water, ensuring a waste of a precious resource.

Trick #3: Touch that trash can

Be sure to provide your bathroom with the kind of trashcan that requires you to touch the outside of it to throw away your paper towel. This will encourage people to use the hot air dryers, even if they sound like jet engines.

Trick #4: Super loud hand driers

The moment you turn these on, everyone in the bathroom shrieks and covers their ears in pain. Maybe that's an exaggeration, but it's pretty close to what I do. I keep my hands soaking wet rather than use these abominations. Make sure others have to suffer like this by installing the loudest possible machine in the bathroom.

Trick #5: Female sanitary cans

Make female sanitary cans as unsanitary as they possibly can! First, make sure you have to touch the disgusting thing with your fingers. Make sure the lid keeps falling on your hand. And make sure the brown bag inside is always closed so you have to dump your pad or tampon between the bag and the side of the can.

Now that you are armed with these many tips, next time you design a bathroom, keep in mind that we are AMERICANS! (At least I am). We made it to the MOON! We surely can engineer the most annoying pooping experience ever devised in the new year!